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The top 5 apt sporting names

5th June, 2008
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5th June, 2008
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Each week Andrew Jones will select a list of sports people united by some feature other than competence.

This week it is the correlation of their name with their talents. As always (well, since this column started last week) Jonesy welcomes your alternative line-ups.

My Top 5 Apt Sporting Names

1. Usain Bolt (c) – inspired this week’s list with his blistering world record in the 100m sprint. 9.72s makes him the quickest Jamaican since Michael Holding, and makes Merlene Ottey look like a mid-80s Kiwi medium pacer (naturally Ewen Chatfield springs to mind).

2. SCG MacGill (vc) – seizes the vice-captaincy this week by retiring unexpectedly. His 49 Test wickets at the SCG were a triumph of skill, perseverance and nominative determinism: while his father and grandfather played for WA, Australian selectors did not find much merit in their claims to be specialists at the “TMD” and “CWT”.

3. David Hookes – another cricketer with early claims to a self-fulfilling surname, his ambitions were revised after a bouncer from Andy Roberts, whose surname is apparently an Anglicised version of the old Antiguan handle IfyouhookmeIllbreakyourjaw.

4. Christian Cullen – named for the explosive All Black fullback, this 1998 NZ Horse of the Year showed blistering speed over a mile, collected 14 Group 1 and II races and is now the most expensive pacing stallion in the world. He also remains on Mr Ed-style speaking terms with John Mitchell.

5. George Best – he only polled 16th in 1999’s World Player of the Century, so should probably be called George XVI to make this list. On the other hand he did say “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars … the rest I just squandered.”

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If that’s not the best ever sporting quote, I don’t know what is.

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