PQ’s Grand Final review: as it happened

With Channel 7 running the show, sadly there is no Robert Walls. Off the bat the sight of an ageing Ian Moss tells you what to expect from the pre-game entertainment: loosely defined ‘rockers’ past their prime. Are you hyped yet? Me neither.

For some reason retired umpires are getting paraded. Do they parade retiring stewards at the Melbourne Cup?

Shaun McManus retired apparently. The AFL average for loose ball seagulling immediately drops by 23%.

Did you know some grassroots fans didn’t get to go to the game today? Call Today Tonight. I mean, there is only 20 million Australians, and the ground has a capacity of 100,000 so everyone who wants to go should be able to, right? It’s also unbelievable that some stakeholders involved in sponsoring and supporting the multi-million dollar business that is AFL got tickets ahead of normal fans.

Powderfinger perform one song. One. They have numerous songs of varying degrees of quality, some are even good, but for this occasion they chose to perform radio-friendly unit shifter ‘Baby, I got you on my mind’. Here are some of the lyrics, as written by Bernard Fanning’s child at kindergarten one day;

Baby I’ve got you on my mind, honey you won’t ever know
How much I need you by my side, promise you won’t ever go
I won’t take no from you this time
Baby I’ve got you on my mind

Complex.

By the way, the drummer is wearing a kilt and a woman’s blouse. Fanning is wearing a leather jacket and it is 28°c. There are bending poles around the stage with lunatics on top of them wearing club guernseys and they are interpretative dancing. This is like a Dali painting gone wrong.

Fanning and company break into AC/DC’s ‘Long way to the top’ midway through their only song, playing at 38% of the normal tempo. This is dreadful. Around 47 bagpipe players have descended on the MCG. Fanning appears to have eaten Bon Scott and his remaining family and his attempt at a beard is not hiding it. Rock and Roll is a good wicket it seems.

Ian Moss, who is actually still alive, plays the Hawthorn and Geelong themes on guitar. Maybe his agent suggested this would be his Hendrix-Star Spangled Banner-Woodstock moment? It would be fair to say he sold out. Tucker’s daughter is indeed a memory.

Cut to the crowd. Having a cat face with full whiskers painted on you is OK if you are under 16 years of age. If you are male and mid-30s there are better ways to support your side.

Official ‘Cup Ambassador’ Glenn Archer escorts the premiership cup into the MCG. He is referred to, as per contract, as the shinboner of the century.

Bob Davis and some bloke Allan Arthur, who apparently is a maybloom legend, receive the cup. Davis advises Arthur he is the only Hawthorn person who will touch it today. Arthur is on stage because Dermott Brereton’s salon appointment ran overtime.

Nathan ‘Career Decisions’ Buckley is talking about Grand Finals with Bruce McAvaney and Dennis Commetti. In itself this is mirthful, however it must be said that Dennis’ hair needs a building permit.

Qantas’ new airplane flies over the MCG for promotional benefit. It’s not 1965 so it is pretty hard to get enthused by a passenger jet.

Ric Olarenshaw is down in the rooms with Alastair Clarkson and is found guilty of white collar crime. PQ actually enjoys his shirt choice in a Gordon Gecko way, but the tie should not be blue. And the hair needed to be slicked back. Clarkson suggests that now that the players are out on the ground, the coach is obsolete. Not sure how he will fill in the next three hours but I hear Wall-E is pretty good.

Some commentator on Wojo as he is now affectionately called: ‘He has handled himself well…’ What? Did you expect him to go Tonya Harding on Paul Chapman?

Jeff Kennett apparently shares Commetti’s hairdresser.

From what I can see only Cyril Rioli and Brent Guerra wear black shoes. Are people in black shoes now showboats? Geelong appear to be much more serious with Chapman, Taylor, Ottens, Corey, Blake, Bartel and Milburn in traditional garb.

As Tom Harley groups his team together in the bowels of the MCG, McAvaney comments that Harley ‘does take charge’. Given he is the captain this is certainly surprising.

McAvaney descends briefly into madness when he suggests there is a strong wind blowing and it is called Geelong.

It’s team photo time. Cameron Ling is like a handsome version of Martin Bryant.

Two witches from the musical ‘Wicked’ sing the national anthem. The memo to not sing in character wasn’t received. Just a brutal rendition.

Mrs PQ comments that Tom Harley is ripped. This now explains why she took him in Round 5 of our GF Fantasy Football draft this morning. Hope those arms are worth plenty of points! PQ manages to pick up Ablett, Selwood, Hodge, Young, Brown and Kelly in this 5 person, 6 player competition. With that lineup, I am as confident as Buddy Franklin walking into Transport.

Thankfully the game starts. Hodge lifts his arms up and lets Geelong strongman Matthew Stokes go to town on his ribs. PQ is impressed with Hodge’s work.

Bateman goals and Commetti suggests he runs like a snake in water. Let me know once you work that one out.

Playing with 1983 rules, Bateman then gives up a 50m penalty, resulting in a Geelong goal. A sign in the crowd says ‘Harley your (sic) the man’. Secondary education is optional in Geelong.

Sam Mitchell goes off for blood rule. It’s the first time we’ve seen him. That most possessions prop bet is looking very shaky. Quarter time and just a point in it. A good game in the offing.

The second quarter is a bit of a scrapfest but with 13:40 to go in the quarter all of a sudden it’s on like Donkey Kong for about 30 seconds with some huge bumps and a missed elbow that would have had Dermott Brereton lubing up if it had connected.

Is Chance Bateman the kid out of Mad Max II? The timeline sort of fits.

As we go to half time Geelong is down by a couple of points. A definite North Melbourne v Adelaide ‘98 vibe is going on here. Harley is concussed pretty badly. He suggests to the trainer he likes the new stand they built here at Kardinia Park. No need to show the cause of the jelly legs however Channel 7 - I understand you are out of practice with this Grand Final thing. Concerned, Mrs PQ arranges flowers and a get well card to be sent to Harley’s locker.

The third quarter starts and Norm Smith smokey Selwood is on the bench. Cat Thompson has forgotten this game IS for the sheep station.

First reference to the interminable ‘Premiership Quarter’. I quickly ask my hosts for a bucket.

Campbell Brown (177cm) is on Cam Mooney (195cm). Troubling, however maybe necessary with Croad off. Mooney marks, but sprays it. Geelong are at 11 consecutive behinds.

Buddy Franklin is here! Security at Crown Casino advised him the game was on and he hustled on down. Nice of you to show up.

Harry Taylor’s rookie sheen comes off abruptly in a classic deer in the headlights moment. For some reason Taylor was the only Cat who went the zinc for his face today. Surely Cameron Ling needed some as he was peeling before half-time.

Dew goals. As Selma would say, ‘Is it just me or did it just get fatter in here?’ His direct opponent throws Dew’s sports bra into the crowd to put him off his game.

Pan to Cat Thompson. No sandwiches in the coaches box this time is there? Another reference to ‘Premiership Quarter’. OK, someone is going to get hurt now…

Milburn, who just arrived with Franklin, goals and this is followed up by the worst down-field call in history. Ablett is clotheslined in the middle, as has been Hawthorn strategy all day, with Ling receiving the handball. The umpire actually says ‘down-field’ as Ling then takes a further 43 steps before pumping the ball inside 50. Geelong receive a shot from where Ling’s kick lands. This might be a turning point. If you support Hawthorn it is likely your TV now requires replacement. It’s now 3 quarter time and it couldn’t come soon enough for Hawthorn up by only 3 goals now.

Mooney heads back to the goalsquare for the last quarter carrying a broomstick putter. Harley is back on for Lazarus-style inspiration.

Joel Selwood does some more impressive work, and Tim Watson suggests he ‘doesn’t know the word give up’. Neither do I, however I know two words - ‘give’ and ‘up’, which conveniently combine to make such a phrase.

The game is now in Hawthorn’s keeping. Pan to Trent Croad on the bench on crutches. Croad’s swollen foot can be seen from the moon so credit for making it out to the bench.

Wow, the Mark Blake story got old real quick. 4 possessions will do that. Stephen King just called - he wants his selection controversy back. Matthew Stokes is now favourite to take out the Leon Davis 2002 tribute medal.

It’s over - 18.7 to 11.23. 11 rushed behinds in that total. Despite the fact it was really just 11.12, Geelong did miss some shots of moderate difficulty and did have 62 I50s to 43. A substantial variance but that’s why they play the games.

The bench and coaching staff storms the field and Croad is currently doing a stellar impersonation of ‘Jimmy’ from Southpark.

Thanks to David Wirrpanda and his ‘controversial’ non-handshake of some anonymous child in 2006, we have some PC madness - Hawthorn employed some PR person to give hats to the Hawthorn players as they approach the dias for their medals. The players then shake the hand of the child and pass this hat to them. Just wonderful PR work allround. The problem was Mark Williams didn’t get the memo and kept the hat. Classy stuff from one of football’s classiest.

Luke Hodge gets the Norm Smith, no doubt helped by the 3 ribs jutting out of his jumper. Horrendous decision. A good performance but Joel Selwood and Gary Ablett were clearly better.

Sam Mitchell contacts the police to advise what Cameron Ling did to him today was not consensual, then hops on stage and states it was an ‘unbelieveable finals series’. I’m not sure how an average margin of victory for the nine games of 39 points with no games closer than 26 points can qualify as unbelievable. Nonetheless today’s game was an impressive contest and demonstrated that these two teams are well above the other 14 sides.

Next season’s decider looks for all money like a rematch and that is a good thing given the quality of this game. Geelong were certainly unlucky and I would put my powered caravan site on them to take it all in 2009. Gary Ablett is clearly the best player in the AFL and I suspect he is about to go Bruce Lee on the league based on both his endeavours during and his reaction post game. Take what you can get for him for the 2009 Brownlow as the man is as close to a footballing machine as you can get.

Super 14 tipping now live for sign-ups. Join now and invite your mates.

Free Email updates:

• Get PQ's articles emailed to you
• Get a daily AFL email

Our daily emails are only sent if there is content for the sport or that author. You can subscribe to multiple daily emails; or get the daily Roar email with all our content in it. We value privacy. More...