Perhaps we should all just give up the booze!

 

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Roosters celebrating Setaimata Sa's try during the NRL Rugby League Round 1, South Sydney Rabbitohs V Sydney Roosters. AAP Image/Action Photographics, Jonathan Ng

After it had already been proven that some of rugby league’s stars needed to be treated like babies, did Brett Seymour really have to prove that they also need to wear nappies?

In week when all league fans should be raving about the fact that both games on Friday night where thrillers and decided by a point, that there looked to be some genuine stars unearthed in Jamal Idris, Jharal Yow Yeh and Antonio Winterstein, and that the two referees experiment, after all one week, might just pay off, we are once again talking about booze.

It’s enough to drive you to the drink.

Jake Friend and Buster Seymour have ensured that the game will have the naysayers filing the obituary columns and they are likely to be included in Peter Fitzsimmons next column (always one for the scrapbook).

Now, we have had plenty of theories thrown around about how to end the problem, end alcohol sponsorship, and bring back public floggings, but none of it seems to go far enough.

I have compiled a program which will ensure rugby league stays off the grog;

1. Ban the phrase “champagne rugby league” from the commentary box. Apart from the fact that this is meant to be the working man’s game, this phrase is no doubt leading the code down a wicked path.

Many a worker has stopped at the pub for a few orange juices only to watch some “champagne rugby league” and be forced to indulge in a twelve hour bender.

Using the phrase “the defence looks to have bundied off” should also be punishable by death.

2. All media organisations should immediately become alcohol free.

By practicing what they preach, the media will ensure that players have the healthy role models. The transformation should occur faster than you can say “leading News Ltd journalists with drink driving convictions.”

We can also do away with the constant in-jokes of the nudge nudge wink wink variety about the mass volumes of cocaine consumed at industry award nights.

3. Bars should only be open during match times. This limited opening schedule will ensure it is impossible for any rugby league player to get to a bar. Any pub within 20km of the Roosters and Sharks should also be closed. This may impact on the rest of the public, but it seems most of them are far too busy worrying about the players’ welfare.

4. Jake Friend is a military grade peanut for drink driving. Some say he should be sacked for this offence. In many ways, I agree. But let’s not let others get away with it. We need a new law: “anyone caught drink driving loses their job … News Ltd columnists who preach about player behaviour included.”

5. Nominate David Gallop for a sainthood (not the one currently being organised for Wayne Bennett). Honestly, who would want his job? It might sound easy and he probably doesn’t need to queue at Ticketek for the best seats, but that must be small beer (no pun intended) compared to constantly having to put up with these nightmares.

Also when the topic of the day is Benji Marshall moving to rugby union, everyone is saying the NRL should have no place in the agreement between player and club. However, in terms of player misbehaviour, if the agreement between player and club is deemed in the court of public opinion to be unpalatable, he must step in.

You work it out.

I even felt sorry for Brad Fittler when he was asked whether his alcohol policy in which players can only drink once a week was encouraging binge drinking.

Poor Brad.

When he was first in the game and winning matches, this idea was hailed as an end to the booze culture. Now suddenly it was better for them to drink every day.

See what happens when you lose to Souths!

These points should quickly bring rugby league into step with the rest of Australian society. A society in which one in eight people drink at dangerous levels, a society in which, on average, ten Australian die every day due to alcohol consumption. A society in which 230,000 children have a parent or carer who drinks excessively. A society in which Aboriginal Australians are twice as likely to die from the effects of drinking as their non-Aboriginal counterparts.

A recent report showed that alcohol misuse claims the life of an Aborigine every 38 hours.

In the end it will all lead to more wasted time talking about banning rugby league players from drinking. I contend that no country in the world spends more time talking about banning things than Australia.

But if we are serious about ending drinking in rugby league, why doesn’t everyone just give up booze.

If the alcohol industry is powered by NRL players alone, it can’t survive for more than five years. Then it will be gone and so will half the sports section.

I’m on the wagon, after all it never did Hazem El Masri any harm.

All time rugby league leading point scorer. Legend.

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