So, I thought that travelling to Townsville to watch my beloved Tigers take on arch rivals, the North Queensland Cowboys was a great idea. Warm sunshine, country air, friendly people, a nice hotel, questionable company (they were both Cowboys fans). What could go wrong, right?

Many people don’t understand what it is like to be a Tigers fan, and, as anyone who has supported this side for any length of time will tell you, it is a unique experience.

So I figured it might be informative, and somewhat therapeutic (considering the result, but we’ll get to that) to give a detailed analysis of my life as it was on Saturday, March 21st.

The Trip a.k.a Blindly Entering the Depths of Hell:
Things started out well, I did some exercise, got myself together, showered, dressed in my Tigers singlet, some pants and skipped off to collect my companions.

My mood? Upbeat, if a little unconvinced of the form the Tigers had displayed last week, but I convinced myself that a win was a win, we’d be better for the run.

I ate a rather healthy breakfast before boarding the plane with my book ‘Stages of Meditation’, which, it turns out, isn’t geared towards helping sports fans. Before we knew it, we had touched down in the sunny, humid metropolis of Townsville.

Killing Time a.k.a Like a Lamb to the Slaughter:
After collecting the rental car, we decided to do a spot of sightseeing. We were unaware that the time involved in seeing every landmark in Townsville is approximately 3 minutes, so we then decided it might be a good time to visit the Cowboys Leagues Club for some lunch.

I was later to realise that this would be akin to my dignity’s Last Supper (having said that, I have to admit that the bistro at the Cows’ Leagues Club is one of the most confusing venues from which to order food, there are no less than six different menus, and four different desks to place your order….does this place get THAT busy? So, I stuck with my lamb casserole, even after being made aware, after placing my order, that there were far more appetising options on Menu #6), but for the moment I remained upbeat, quietly confident, and most importantly, no longer hungry. We did have the pleasure of being seated next to Cows CEO, Peter Parr, who spent the entire time on his iPhone whilst his pork cutlets went cold. (They had pork cutlets? Must have been on Menu #8!). Once we were done with lunch, we proceeded to the hotel for check in….and a well earned afternoon kip.

Let’s Get it On! a.k.a Does my Life Insurance Cover Me for Being Bashed for My Attire?
I awoke from my slumber and sprung to life….NOW I was pumped! I showered and changed into my jersey, spritzed a bit of CK and declared myself ready for the challenge ahead (I actually had myself convinced, but I do that)….

So, with my two Cowboys-Jersey clad companions, we pranced down to explore our options for some dinner. That was, until we started walking, and realised we were all still full from lunch, and apparently, Townsville shuts down between the hours of 2.00-5.00pm.

I am not making this up, you could have fired a gun down the main street of the CBD and hit nothing, well, maybe a rogue cow wandering the street, but certainly nothing human!

So, we headed off up the street, blindly, and ended up, guess where? That’s right, the Cowboys Leagues Club (it was like a magnet drawing us there, I am sure). So, after entering the Merchandise Store, looking resplendent amongst the 85 different types of Cows jersey and other paraphernalia, waiting for my two colleagues to discuss who was the tightest (for the record, I would have sprung $30 for the big foam Cowboy hat, an iconic piece of merchandise if ever there was one, but that’s just me…needless to say, our group purchased a total of 0 big foam hats), and entered the club.

I was stared down by every man and his cow the moment I walked in there, and I loved it…bring it on, I thought.

My confidence was peaking a little early, but I was running with it while it lasted. After a couple of Coke Zeroes for me (owing to my self imposed alcohol exile, which happens to run out exactly one week after this game!!! Oh, the irony), and a couple of shandy’s for the balance of the bunch, we thought it would be a good time to head to the game.

Game Time Lead Up a.k.a Man, I Could Have Done with a Couple of Bundy’s!
We parked and walked to the bus stop where I was heckled by the retired gentleman collecting gold coin donations for the bus ride. I entered the bus, past the bus driver, who also heckled me, and sat down….before being passed by a rather hefty lass, who also took the time to heckle me, and also hiss at me (not sure if this was a mating call, or something more sinister, either way, I felt dirty).

We arrived at the game, I got a gentle ribbing from a Cows’ cheer girl upon entry to the Stadium (truth me told, she could have said whatever she wanted to me, no matter how derogatory….I was in awe of the modern wonders of lycra and gravity defying push up bras) and I made my way to my seat…where I was heckled by a boy no older than four years of age. Apparently that’s what kids learn in Townsville. From a young age they are schooled on the benefits of heckling and cow milking, and not much else apparently.

I watched the Tigers Toyota Cup squad run away with a rather convincing win, which I assured myself was a good omen, and then the First Grad Squad ran out for their warm ups (on a side note, I felt a little worried after watching the team warm up. Benji threw no less than three passes that were nowhere near their mark, and kicked over Tuiaki’s head on more than one occasion.

John Morris? Well, let’s just say that what he practised, he took onto the field. It’s a shame he practised kicking out on the full, dropping the ball and throwing passes that inevitably missed their mark). I promptly started cheering my boys on with vigour, at which point the Cowboys mascot, a blue healer, inventively named ‘Bluey’ jumped the fence, climbed into the stand behind me, and promptly pretended to piss on my head! Fun times….I wish I was making this up, but sadly, this wasn’t the most embarrassing moment of the night.

Kick off! The First Half a.k.a 40 Minutes of my Life I’ll Never Get Back
All this brings us to the moment we came here for…Game Time! I cheered the boys as they ran out, rather loudly, stood and belted out the National Anthem (I do that too) and screamed my guts out as JT kicked the ball in the general direction of 13 unsuspecting Tigers.

We had to wait a grand total of three minutes before the Cowboys struck through a try to Antonio Kaufusi. I noticed as the big fella stormed over that he had a rather unfortunate growth on his arm. Thankfully for the Cowboys, Antonio shook off said growth before planting the ball down. That growth, strangely enough, was in the shape of Benji Marshall.

Next it was the Tigers turn to hit back, with Benji throwing a pass to Tuiaki that ‘floated’ forward right in front of us. It wasn’t the floating I was surprised with, but the fact it was thrown forward and then bounced further forward after the floating, leading to Tuiaki strolling over as the Cows started packing a scrum for the forward pass indiscretion. But hey, I’ll take it….Cows 6-4.

This was as good as it got.

From there it was a procession of dropped ball (from both sides at times, but the Tigers developed a nice knack of dropping it in their own 20, or when trying to build pressure), penalties in possession of the ball, more dropped ball, some stuttering attack featuring bad passes, more dropped ball, and a couple of Cowboys tries. This whole time, I was mercilessly heckled by a guy directly behind me, to whom I gave as good as I got, but he was nothing other than drunk, had no idea of the game and was generally just nuisance value.

It didn’t bother me, I know I can be just as hard to take when the Tigers are in front, just usually to people I know. ‘Bluey’ also made a return to make a throat slitting gesture in my direction (is it THAT obvious I don’t like Blue Heelers?). The Tigers scored a nice try right on half time through Morris after good lead up and a clever kick from Farah, but the Cows led 18-8 at the break.

Half Time Entertainment a.k.a How Much is Too Much?
Just a quick observation here…The cowboys had a band, three lots of dancers, a cowgirl mascot, the aforementioned Blue Heeler, Miss Moo (a rather annoying cow), four inflatable cows, and Ergon Energy Man…each one more incessantly un-entertaining than the last, although I did have a soft spot for ‘Bluey’…Before we knew it, the fun was over and the teams were back on the field.

The Second Half a.k.a How to Age Years in Just 40 Minutes
Convincing myself at half time that the Tigers were good enough to run home with this one, provided our defence shored up in the second stanza lasted exactly 3 minutes. That was the point when Travis Burns dove over from dummy half, through three defenders to score.

Moltzen hit back with a try not long after, but from there it was another procession of errors, dropped ball, penalties, a scrum where we knocked on at the scrum base (who does that? The Tigers,that’s who), more ordinary defence, more heckling…..and three more Cowboys tries. When Ty Williams scored in the 71st minute, our goose was well and truly cooked. The highlight of my night, the final siren was marred by some stranger encouraging me to punch the guy behind me for heckling me, before he did. Not sure why he had such a problem with the guy, considering the only person copping it was me??? I laughed it off, I have copped MUCH worse from FAR better hecklers than that bloke over the years.

The Aftermath a.k.a The Aftermath
Well, what can I say….the Tigers played nowhere near their potential, but the truth is, I really don’t know if they ever will play to their potential on a regular basis.

Perhaps this is what we have become, a side that shows flashes of brilliance, promises a lot and ultimately amounts to nothing but a flick pass and a bunch of errors. I am keeping the faith with Benji at halfback (like my opinion matters) but how many halfbacks make that many errors in ratio to the solid, fundamental things a halfback is supposed to do? Truth is, as brilliant as he can be, Benji, and his halves partner Morris, seem to put more pressure on the team with poor options with the ball, in defence and with their kicking game.

Some of the mistakes were laughable, but perhaps the funniest thing is my thought on the bus on the way home, after one last heckle from a woman who waved goodbye from the line as my bus drove away telling me ‘Never Mind…Never Mind’, when I thought to myself, ‘We should get home over the Roosters next week, and things will be back on track’….

See, as a Tigers fan, reality, much like goal line defence, or a strong fifth tackle option, is not something we deal with often. Oh well, there’s always next week!

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