Forget Stellenbosch Laws. Introduce Narrabri Principles

 

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By Andrew Logan, 24 Apr 2009 Andrew Logan is a Roar Expert

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 ELVs, Rugby Union, Super Rugby

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Brumbies' Stirling Mortlock (left) and Waratahs' Lote Tuqiri take to the air in the Super 14 rugby match at Canberra Stadium, Friday, March 13, 2009. The Brumbies beat the Waratahs 21-11. AAP Image/Alan Porritt

There have been several controversial suggestions recently on how to make rugby a more spectator friendly game. Most of them have centered around the ELVs.

This assumes that there is some sort of problem with the mechanics of rugby and, as such, the issue has been approached in much the same way that a mechanic might approach an under-performing motor car.

Fiddle a bit. Measure some obscure gases and consumptions to bemuse the owner with later. Take it for a test drive round the block. Tune some more. Fabricate lengthy bill. Then present puzzled owner with a lengthy explanation of why it was all necessary and emphasise that, even if they don’t notice it, it really is running more smoothly, OK?

Unfortunately rugby’s problems are less actual and more cosmetic.

It’s like a V8 Falcon straight off the lot. Underneath it all, the donk and the drive train will do the job no worries, but it’s got that factory suspension and those dodgy mags. All it needs is a bit of a cosmetic overhaul so that it looks the part, as well as being able to pull a 10.5 for the quarter mile.

I floated this concept with a couple of simpleton rugby mates to see what they thought and when they loved it I thought there might be something in it.

The first target on the radar was the propensity for white boots these days. We took that on and wrote up some guidelines on the wearing of coloured footwear.

It grew from there.

So in answer to the Stellenbosch Laws, and with a view to recapturing the past glory of rugby whilst ensuring its progress into the future, I give you The Narrabri Principles:

1. Regarding footwear, white boots should only be worn if your name is “Serge”, “Phillippe”, “Hugo” or “Waisale”.
2. You may apply for a dispensation to wear white if your name is “Tim”, “Jason” or “Mark”.
3. If name is “Bakkies”, “Hika”, “Buck” or “Kobus”, wear whatever you want.
4. If your name is “Percy”, white boots are mandatory.
5. 18mm screw-in studs should be compulsory for all boots regardless of colour.
6. At the breakdown, the only offences will be foul play and offside.
7. Rucking is not foul play.
8. Players must enter correctly through the gate leading onto the field of play. After that, anything goes.
9. All tight forwards must have their head tape inspected pre-game by a Dan-Crowley-Accredited Tape Inspector to make sure there is 100 percent ear coverage. (Wade Dooley Accreditation will be acceptable in the Northern Hemisphere).
10. All medical staff to wear a St Johns Ambulance uniform (peaked cap included), be issued with a tin bucket and sponge, and be referred to as “Zambuck”.
11. Referees are not to be appointed on merit, but on a score calculated by the net weight of Brylcreem in their hair over the degree of contrast between their white laces and their shiny black boots.
12. Even in Test matches, one reserve from each team must run the line.
13. The referee will turn a blind eye when said reserve gives his team an extra metre.
14. All coaches must carry a clipboard and grow a moustache. Level 3 coaches course to include a mandatory unit – Facial Hair Cultivation And Grooming.
15. All matches to be conducted with a 100 percent leather “Wallaby” match ball which has been soaked in a bucket of muddy water for a minimum of two days pre-game.
16. All kickers must use sand. A kicker may use a tee but will be sin-binned for five minutes if he misses.
17. Any kicker having a kicking coach crouching behind him while he kicks is to be suspended for a minimum of eight weeks.
18. Any kicker who kicks from a mound of dirt that he has grubbed up with his heel is eligible for a bonus point for any goal he kicks.
19. A toe-poke kicker gets double.
20. All runners and medical staff entering the field of play during time-on are eligible to be tackled by any player.
21. Gatorade be immediately rated as a prohibited substance and herewith substituted for warm KB in a can. Tap water and dry sherry are other acceptable half-time refreshments.
22. At least one reserve per team must be smoking at all times during a match. (Nicotine patch substitution not permitted.)
23. Spectators to be issued with one lawn dart upon entering the ground for the purpose of skewering any stadium personnel who attempt to start a mass singing of “Waltzing Matilda”.
24. No child may leave the arena without a stamped pass to prove that they have entered the field of play after the final whistle and kicked at least one field goal.

That’s about it.

Bring on the Test season!

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