By Andrew Logan
April 24th 2009 @ 1:20am
Related coverage
Forget Stellenbosch Laws. Introduce Narrabri Principles
Brumbies' Stirling Mortlock (left) and Waratahs' Lote Tuqiri take to the air in the Super 14 rugby match at Canberra Stadium, Friday, March 13, 2009. The Brumbies beat the Waratahs 21-11. AAP Image/Alan Porritt
There have been several controversial suggestions recently on how to make rugby a more spectator friendly game. Most of them have centered around the ELVs.
This assumes that there is some sort of problem with the mechanics of rugby and, as such, the issue has been approached in much the same way that a mechanic might approach an under-performing motor car.
Fiddle a bit. Measure some obscure gases and consumptions to bemuse the owner with later. Take it for a test drive round the block. Tune some more. Fabricate lengthy bill. Then present puzzled owner with a lengthy explanation of why it was all necessary and emphasise that, even if they don’t notice it, it really is running more smoothly, OK?
Unfortunately rugby’s problems are less actual and more cosmetic.
It’s like a V8 Falcon straight off the lot. Underneath it all, the donk and the drive train will do the job no worries, but it’s got that factory suspension and those dodgy mags. All it needs is a bit of a cosmetic overhaul so that it looks the part, as well as being able to pull a 10.5 for the quarter mile.
I floated this concept with a couple of simpleton rugby mates to see what they thought and when they loved it I thought there might be something in it.
The first target on the radar was the propensity for white boots these days. We took that on and wrote up some guidelines on the wearing of coloured footwear.
It grew from there.
So in answer to the Stellenbosch Laws, and with a view to recapturing the past glory of rugby whilst ensuring its progress into the future, I give you The Narrabri Principles:
1. Regarding footwear, white boots should only be worn if your name is “Serge”, “Phillippe”, “Hugo” or “Waisale”.
2. You may apply for a dispensation to wear white if your name is “Tim”, “Jason” or “Mark”.
3. If name is “Bakkies”, “Hika”, “Buck” or “Kobus”, wear whatever you want.
4. If your name is “Percy”, white boots are mandatory.
5. 18mm screw-in studs should be compulsory for all boots regardless of colour.
6. At the breakdown, the only offences will be foul play and offside.
7. Rucking is not foul play.
8. Players must enter correctly through the gate leading onto the field of play. After that, anything goes.
9. All tight forwards must have their head tape inspected pre-game by a Dan-Crowley-Accredited Tape Inspector to make sure there is 100 percent ear coverage. (Wade Dooley Accreditation will be acceptable in the Northern Hemisphere).
10. All medical staff to wear a St Johns Ambulance uniform (peaked cap included), be issued with a tin bucket and sponge, and be referred to as “Zambuck”.
11. Referees are not to be appointed on merit, but on a score calculated by the net weight of Brylcreem in their hair over the degree of contrast between their white laces and their shiny black boots.
12. Even in Test matches, one reserve from each team must run the line.
13. The referee will turn a blind eye when said reserve gives his team an extra metre.
14. All coaches must carry a clipboard and grow a moustache. Level 3 coaches course to include a mandatory unit – Facial Hair Cultivation And Grooming.
15. All matches to be conducted with a 100 percent leather “Wallaby” match ball which has been soaked in a bucket of muddy water for a minimum of two days pre-game.
16. All kickers must use sand. A kicker may use a tee but will be sin-binned for five minutes if he misses.
17. Any kicker having a kicking coach crouching behind him while he kicks is to be suspended for a minimum of eight weeks.
18. Any kicker who kicks from a mound of dirt that he has grubbed up with his heel is eligible for a bonus point for any goal he kicks.
19. A toe-poke kicker gets double.
20. All runners and medical staff entering the field of play during time-on are eligible to be tackled by any player.
21. Gatorade be immediately rated as a prohibited substance and herewith substituted for warm KB in a can. Tap water and dry sherry are other acceptable half-time refreshments.
22. At least one reserve per team must be smoking at all times during a match. (Nicotine patch substitution not permitted.)
23. Spectators to be issued with one lawn dart upon entering the ground for the purpose of skewering any stadium personnel who attempt to start a mass singing of “Waltzing Matilda”.
24. No child may leave the arena without a stamped pass to prove that they have entered the field of play after the final whistle and kicked at least one field goal.
That’s about it.
Bring on the Test season!
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(77)
sportym said | April 24th 2009 @ 1:36am | Report comment
Could you please clarify the roles and responsibilities around supply of oranges at half-time and jersey cleaning roster. The backbone of any successful rugby season…
Knives Out said | April 24th 2009 @ 1:37am | Report comment
25. Comic adult espionage must occur pre-game. Players/coaches must try and spy on the opposition practices without being spotted. The current holder of the ‘Peter Sellers Award for Ingenuity’ is the 1992 Canterbury youth captain. Prior to the match against the Irish Schools team the Canterbury captain spent half an hour masquerading as a groundsman, cutting the same patch of grass over and over, right next to the Irish practice. Wonderful stuff.
26. Flat caps in the manner of Dean Richards are most welcome on substitutes.
27. The substitute bench must actually be pine and not reinforced, luxury seating.
Knives Out said | April 24th 2009 @ 1:38am | Report comment
Sporty, let’s not forget the magic sponge. I certainly won’t now that I have minimal use of two of my fingers on my right hand.
jools-usa said | April 24th 2009 @ 3:05am | Report comment
How about picking at least 5 starters from credited nearby pubs on a rotating pub basis.
Selected ruggers must be dressed in authentic team gear available at any stadium store & sign a medical waiver.
Jools-USA
markcxd said | April 24th 2009 @ 5:27am | Report comment
awesome article andrew.
i also would like the banning of any shorts with canterbury sports clothing co logos and to be replaced by ones with the stubbies logo. players from the same team may not necessary wear the same colour and fading of the fabric should be encouranged.
jools-usa said | April 24th 2009 @ 5:34am | Report comment
How about picking at least 5 starters from credited nearby pubs on a rotating pub basis.
Selected ruggers must be dressed in authentic team gear available at any stadium store & sign a medical waiver.
Jools-USA
Ooops, should have mentioned good post! Waiting on your next post!
Sportym said | April 24th 2009 @ 5:56am | Report comment
Also players must be chooses on their ability to swing a handbag and ability to apply eye liner in a “mean” manner….. picture Phil waugh charging at you swinging a handbag all eye lined up….. the tri-nations is as good as ours!!!! , Smith would never make the squad with his fancy skill etc…
Matt said | April 24th 2009 @ 6:40am | Report comment
Coaching staff be allowed to ‘casually intercept’ opposition wingers racing down the touchline if said winger’s team is ahead by more than 10 points.
All front rowers must kick at least three ‘up and unders’ each, per game. Failure to do this will incurr a serious penalty at post match functions. Attempted field goals will be an acceptable substitute (Dunning clause).
Andrew Logan said | April 24th 2009 @ 7:27am | Report comment
27. Half-time oranges must be supplied in a Tupperware container, or if no Tupperware is available, a pre-loved plastic shopping bag with the handles securely tied together.
28. Oranges must be cut into quarters along the core grain, not against it.
29. At least one member of each team must borrow the knife and make a set of “funny teeth” out of orange peel before the match will be allowed to resume.
Hoy said | April 24th 2009 @ 7:47am | Report comment
30. At least one player on each team must be wearing boardys.
31. And one reserve must be someone’s relation who supposedly played state, for some unknown or unheard of state.
Andrew Logan said | April 24th 2009 @ 7:57am | Report comment
32. All clubs must nominate and display at least one “All Black Triallist”.
Knives Out said | April 24th 2009 @ 8:05am | Report comment
I think we would all agree that the Simpsons Softball laws are the way to go:
“Umpire: OK, let’s go over the ground rules. You can’t leave first until you chug a beer. And then scoring, you have to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer after all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the 4th inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball! “
Brett McKay said | April 24th 2009 @ 8:25am | Report comment
33. The sock ritual: Socks will no longer be supplied as part of team kit. Players instead must supply their own socks from a schoolboy/junior/district/representative team and wear their own sock on their left foot only. The right sock is thrown into a pile in the changeroom, for distribution among team-mates. No two sock combinations can be the same.
Shocks said | April 24th 2009 @ 8:52am | Report comment
jerseys will be cleaned by the winner of the 3, 2, 1 points of each team. After the game the jerseys must be then taken home (after post game drinks) to be left in the downstairs laundry to ferment until Friday night then washed at the latest possible moment so that they are still damp by game time. If the player has no downstairs laundry then the car boot can be substituted. If the jerseys come back smelling like fabric softener and all stains have been removed the it will be accepted that the wife or Mum of the responsible player washed the kit and must be ridiculed for it.
Roger said | April 24th 2009 @ 8:54am | Report comment
34. At least one player must be soooo hungover he will vomit on field within 5 minutes of kickoff..he will then compose himself, miraculously sober up, and return to play as man of match, then hit the cans again!
Robbie said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:02am | Report comment
G’day Loges
32. All touch judges must run back after a conversion with a high knee lift action.
33. Coach has to chain smoke
34. At least one winger has to be reminded during the game that he is still wearing a watch….with somweone on the sideline saying “mate what is the time?”
See you at the Dawn Service mate.
Robbie
Andrew Logan said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:07am | Report comment
Ah yes Roberto……the high knee lift is a must. See you tomorrow for a 5am slug of Jamesons.
Farmer said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:28am | Report comment
Great stuff.
35. Manadatory that 50 % of the sucked out orange quarters to be left on the field after half time.
36. Majority of players to have mullet hair styles – except wingers who can use hair products and hookers who will have minimal hair.
37. At least once during the game, the home team must organise one of the local dogs to run on the field and resist all attempts to shoo it off the field.
39. A minimum of 3 players from each side should be backing up from a lower grade match and playing an extra game for the day.
40 Ref must be addressed with “Sir… ” at all times.
Whaler said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:37am | Report comment
41. At speeches after the game at local pub or club house, as soon as club captain from each club commences his speech he will be greeted with “heres to smithy / jonesy / burko etc he’s true blue” being sung by entire room and forced to skol a schooner. This is to be repeated for the nest 3 or 4 times each time he attempts to begin his summary of the days play.
Ben C said | April 24th 2009 @ 10:04am | Report comment
41. The game must start no earlier than 15 minutes after the designated start-time as players show up late/have to finish the lower grade match in order to make up the numbers. It is acceptable for a team to borrow an opposition player to make up their numbers or for a ring-in to get a start. The ring-in shall make one dazzling play within the opening 10 minutes prompting speculation the next Wallaby/All Black/ Springbok etc player has been discovered before fading into obscurity.
42. No after match speech is permitted until the captain has had more than four drinks. A minimum of 6 cliches (eg the boys really played their hearts out) is necessary although completely incoherent drunken rambling is acceptable and encouraged.
43. After match lamingtons supplied by the local mothers/CWA must have a density slightly greater than that of a concrete brick. Players managing to eat said lamington must still thank the cook graciously before sitting quietly in a corner for two hours to enable digestion to occur.
Brett McKay said | April 24th 2009 @ 10:27am | Report comment
Loges, you may have created a monster here…. And good onya for doing so!!
Simon said | April 24th 2009 @ 10:35am | Report comment
44. A group of 5 small boys must be behind the grandstand having a game of touch footy (3 against 2) on a very small and odd shaped piece of grass during the game.
Wilso said | April 24th 2009 @ 10:36am | Report comment
Loges,
Forget the others mate, No.1 Props are not allowed to pass. Just let ‘em run and score.
Once you mull that over, you’ll realise that all the other Narrabri principles automatically follow:
– no player will want white boots if his main man up front is getting chalk all over his face at the tryline – ah, there’s no better sight in rugby eh?
- all props know the ancient art of Hiding Ears – essentially it has nothing to do with scrummaging and everything to do with improving aerodynamics on the way to the chalk.
- any good reserve prop worth his place in the FRU will make the reserve winger run the line – whoever has scored less tries that year gets the gig….
- no one in their right mind will pass a ball to a prop (unless he’s 100km/hr, 5m from the line) so he HAS to ruck in order to get his hands on the pigskin. And if he has it from 5m out, do you really think he’s gonna pass it??
- props only toe punt. You know the rule: if the prop scores, he takes the shot a goal….
- can you imagine a prop sucking in the Gatorade electrolytes after scoring???? Nah, neither can I.
- I haven’t met a try-scoring prop yet who wasn’t an All Black triallist at some time or another
etc
It amazes me to watch how often the big men chime in at first or second receiver in these Super 14 games. Never used to be that way before the ELVs came in (think David Sole or Richard Loe). Keep that for touch footy at training I say.
Cheers
Wilso
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 10:50am | Report comment
45. No female physios
46. No Electric Bartercard Tonka toys
Sam Taulelei said | April 24th 2009 @ 10:57am | Report comment
45. All games to come to a momentary halt as players fossick around in the grass for a lost contact lens.
46. All players to use the regulation electrical insulation tape to hold up their socks, bandages and ears pinned back.
47. All dogs to perform a mandatory pitch invasion as a welcome respite for those lacking fitness.
48. All padding on goal posts to be regulation thickness but not be securely fastened.
49. All referees whistle peas to temporarily get stuck.
Robbie said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:09am | Report comment
50. The first scrum always has the comment of “ohhhh man who farted what did you do last night etc”
Andrew Logan said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:13am | Report comment
50. All line kicks from penalties to be fielded by a nominated child under the age of 8, who sets up for the big catch and at the last moment puts hands over head and runs out of the path of the ball.
51. Referees must get in the way of play at least once per match and apologise profusely to both captains after doing so. If the referee gets knocked over, all crowd members are obliged to give a sarcastic cheer and referee in return is obliged to wave to crowd as they limp to the ensuing scrum.
sheek said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:26am | Report comment
Great stuff…..am considerably amused!
Brendo said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:29am | Report comment
52. Winger wearing the tight shorts and XXXL jersey must fallen over suddenly and unexpectedly when nowhere near the ball i.e. hit by sniper fire
53. match ball must be lost for at least 2 minutes when kicked to the sh!thouse by the team winning by 1 point with 5 minutes to go
Whaler said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:41am | Report comment
54. Fijian fullback will score three length of the field trys.
Hoy said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:43am | Report comment
54. The obligatory concrete cricet pitch in the middle of the field must be covered by 20 cubic metres of sand.
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:44am | Report comment
54.Close enough is good enough to award a try when ref either unsure or unsighted
Sam Taulelei said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:46am | Report comment
Whaler shouldn’t that change that to a Fijian lock forward?
Brett McKay said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:56am | Report comment
55. Any Leaguie filling in for the day MUST present himself to the whim of the first ruck of the day, and not be allowed to run with the ball until sufficient number of stud marks are visible to all.
56. All scrum-halves must “dive-pass” at least once every half.
57. Reserves running the line must use a cap or tracksuit top in lieu of a flag, and point to the wrong team before correcting themselves after much ribbing from crowd.
58. Pies in the canteen cannot be served at a temp of any less than 400C, and can only be served in aluminium trays.
JimmyJam said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:57am | Report comment
Fantastic Stuff guys, brings back many happy memories of old style club rugby…. especially rule 34 Roger, a Saturday arvo special!!!!
52 . Wingers required to retrieve all line kicks, conversion attempts etc that finish up in adjoing canal/pond/ocean/bushland…. that was a park footy special!!
Sam Taulelei said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:00pm | Report comment
59. At least half of the jerseys to be partially missing their numbers and the other half to be ill fitting as they’ve remained unchanged from the previous season unlike the players expanding waistlines
Brett McKay said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:26pm | Report comment
Sam,
59-i. Only masking tape can be used to replicate missing numbers on jerseys, and tape must be torn with the teeth. Scissors are strictly prohibited.
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:34pm | Report comment
60+ Only feezing cold showers in the visitors dressing rooms
61. Cant hear what your coach is saying ,because the other side of a flimsy partition their coach
is finished his rant, and they are singing their song.
Sam Taulelei said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:37pm | Report comment
Onside
Man does that bring back memories of playing in freezing wintry, windy Wellington.
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:39pm | Report comment
62. Arcing up from the Deep Heat and eucalyptus fumes.
63. Being lied to about your true skills by a narly old trainer
jacko said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:39pm | Report comment
Hooray!!!
This is exactly the sort of I’ve been saying for years. Its exactly what will bring back real people to watching the game rather than a bunch of metro-sexuals in euro sunnies and pointy shoes. I applaud this new initiative 110%!
Sam Taulelei said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:46pm | Report comment
64: Warmup and stretching to only consist of a few lengths of the changing shed and a couple of bounces to touch your ankles or toes if you’re lucky.
65. Rehearsing backline moves to involve passing the ball down the line and back while running between the 22 and tryline.
66. Rehearsing lineout drills to involve mystical references to food, place names and a variety of numbers and then throw to the same player each time.
67. At least one carload of players to be late to the game following poor directions.
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:49pm | Report comment
Sam Taulelei
I never played rugby.Was weaned on Aussie rules.But this wonderful topic is universal to all codes.
It makes us look in the mirror up and say, “Hey,things today aint so shabby” But it does not resinate
with sons in the rear seat of our airconditioned four wheel drive on the way to rugby training wearing
their must have $300 boots.
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:50pm | Report comment
60 something or other; What’s a mouthguard?
Sam Taulelei said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:51pm | Report comment
I agree these very humorous memories are universal to all codes. Thanks to Andrew for gettting this all started in the first place, it makes for a pleasant distraction from most of the topics discussed this week.
Wally James said | April 24th 2009 @ 12:57pm | Report comment
64. In the first 30 seconds of the match at least one spectator yell raucously “He’s been doing it all day ref”
65. At least one touch judge hold a tinnie instead of a flag.
66. All games to start with no touch judge on the far side of the field from the clubhouse
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 1:27pm | Report comment
67.Individual leather stops with three pronged nails (not screwins) that had to be hammered into the sole of
the boot on a last.Sometimes one of the nails came right through the sole and dug into the foot during a game.
Matt said | April 24th 2009 @ 1:45pm | Report comment
68. Manditory cries of ‘get off you fu&*ing faggot’ when someone’s tackle gets grabbed at the bottom of a ruck or maul.
69. Club’s obligatory All Black triallist to lead the Karaoke at the end of the night.
Jez said | April 24th 2009 @ 1:51pm | Report comment
68. After a the ref awards a penalty, a supporter of the penalised side must yell at the ref “Which one’s your son!”
Brett McKay said | April 24th 2009 @ 2:01pm | Report comment
70. Rugby Club mascots and monikers will forever be along the obscure lines of Phantoms, Axemen, Wildfires, Platypii, or Van Goghs, and never, EVER, cross to the dark side of Fury, Spirit, Aces, Magic, or Shock. Or Force
Central North said | April 24th 2009 @ 3:23pm | Report comment
71. From Test level down, official team no.1’s should be jeans, chambray shirt (club embroidery optional), polyester tie featuring club mascot, and RMs. Extra points for those whose jeans and shirt are EXACTLY the same shade of blue denim.
72. Said RMs should be used to drink beer out of at least half a dozen times a night, accompanied by shouts of “Shoot the Boot” …
Gatesy said | April 24th 2009 @ 3:43pm | Report comment
How about – losing team must take a slab into the winners shed after the game!
Hoy said | April 24th 2009 @ 4:23pm | Report comment
I remember hearing a story about the loveable Stan Pilecki. He was on the bench for a high rep team, and he had a dart in his mouth and was stamping he feet on the concrete. Someone asked him what he was doing, and he replied warming up. True or not… to be in the simpler times…
I was playing subbies league several years ago to give it a go, and I was in a Murri team, and EVERYONE was smoking in the change rooms before a game, and I had to get out of the room or die of smoke inhalation. Truly a gifted team, admittedly the committment to training was a bit low.
AndyS said | April 24th 2009 @ 4:35pm | Report comment
Great thread.
73. All front row forwards shall not shave for a minimum two day prior to the match, unless they have come directly from or are going directly to their own wedding.
74. Front row forwards shall breakfast on raw onions and garlic, with NO exceptions.
75. All fullbacks shall carry a comb in their sock.
Spiro Zavos said | April 24th 2009 @ 4:46pm | Report comment
76. All the forwards have to wear their socks around their ankles and have boots that have never been cleaned.
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 5:15pm | Report comment
Andrew,
There is a book in this .Put together a hundred suggestions.Get a cartoonist to draw the cartoon (quite a task)
Think of a name for book. Find a sponsor .Offer the book to every rugby club in Australia through the ARU.
Cartoon book to print costs say $2 (no idea really). Book sells for say $12. Club keeps $5. Book sales say
50.000.(theres a lot of clubs) Net revenue = $250.000.Here’s the kicker.Each book has a individual number,
two or four tickets to next Rugby World Cup. is the prize.Perhaps a few sponsors prizes.After all expenses,
there has to be about $200.000 in it for a Rugby based charity.Andrew Logan Rugby Consultancy Inc. The
backing of the ARU ,and the Rugby media is important.If its for charity that should not be a problem.The Roar
might pick up a healthy injection of new bloggers.Even if the book has to cost more its still a goer if the club
get 50% of the take. You can spin a bit off this idea including a whole heap of merchandise,T Shirts cards,
calenders whatever.And I bet youre sitting around with absolutely nothing to do. Oh yeah baby thats me.
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 5:39pm | Report comment
Furthermore Andrew there are the NZ, UK and French markets,plus the rest of the rugby world..It’s a goer.
Rabbitz said | April 24th 2009 @ 6:03pm | Report comment
Andrew et al,
I want to ask two questions…
1) Where are these rules being played? Coz I will willingly spend a weeks wages at the bar while watching (and when halfway through the pay packet I would strap my boots back on…)
2) Which Dawn Service? I am up for a rum ration.
Jim Boyce said | April 24th 2009 @ 6:50pm | Report comment
Andrew – What have you started. I skipped the latter half but will go back later.
1 David Brockhoff has a trophy for longest pre-match windup. Also another prize for post match summary. The latter to be named after Che Guevara and Fidel Castro. Airport orations are not counted. for either.
2 Penalty of three bonus points against the wearing of black gloves. The wearing of day glow lime gloves will be rewarded with two bonus points per player. Considering the Waratah handling difficulties ,in their case it will be upgraded to ten bonus points.
3 The positioning of front rowers in the backline will be penalised with five bonus points. Again the Waratahs recieve a further penalty with eight. Bench players are also included.
4 Any games played in daylight recieve an automatic 20 bonus points. As a corollary to that night games recieve a collective of a penalty of ten bonus points per outbreak of alcohol fuelled fight. That is upgraded to 50 when it is and has been beside me.
5 Captains leaving the field before the end of the game automatically attach a penalty of 5 bonus points per after match interview.
Andrew I like this outside the box thinking. Regards Jim
Grandma said | April 24th 2009 @ 6:54pm | Report comment
Great reading – don’t stop now! I have washed many rugby jerseys in my day ,but am pleased to say, Shocks, they were never returned smelling enticingly of roses or jasmine! might have almost been worth doing just for the reaction (see comment 68!).
Andrew Logan said | April 24th 2009 @ 7:08pm | Report comment
Thanks Jim……terrific stuff. I should have of course got the daytime start in…..
75. All matches to kick off at 3.15pm. Night matches to attract a total media blackout by law.
76. Any captain using the phrase “Full credit” in a post match interview is automatically suspended for the subsequent match.
By the way….when you refer to alcohol fuelled fights…..is that on field, or in the crowd???
Andrew Logan said | April 24th 2009 @ 7:20pm | Report comment
Onside – you make it sound so easy!!! Since it’s your idea…..how about you get into it and call me when you need some help……
onside said | April 24th 2009 @ 7:41pm | Report comment
Ofcourse Andrew,it is easy ,but only if you have the facilities.Staff et al.So its not for me.Or you.
But it could be done by a company with access to the right resources .A great PR opportunity,that
gets to rugbys heartland for minimum cost. An advertising agency or PR company would know
where to place this idea. In the meantime ,back to wearing jock straps and freezing cold showers.
Ben C said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:14pm | Report comment
77. Hookers to spend no less than 50% of the match seagulling on the wing.
Jim Boyce said | April 24th 2009 @ 10:03pm | Report comment
Andrew – That is “in the crowd”. Fantastic stuff.
78 The side with a sponsorship group comprising local butcher, undertaker, newsagent ,delicatessen and bordello gets a commercial bonus point( new classification) and automatic seat on the selection panel
Regards Jim
gibbity said | April 24th 2009 @ 11:35pm | Report comment
i skimmed through the comments and i think everyone has missed an important one.
78. if a biff brew har har breaks out- let it happen. however, no eye gouging, squirrel gripping, Hopawate fingers or anything like that.
onside said | April 25th 2009 @ 7:27am | Report comment
End of season trip away to destinations that are now suburbs
Spiro Zavos said | April 25th 2009 @ 8:36am | Report comment
80. Backs wearing scrum caps can only shower after the game when the hot water has run out
Kath said | April 25th 2009 @ 9:02am | Report comment
81. The use of peroxide, styling products and other poofter pastes to be banned before going on the field. Unless your name’s Tarquin, then it’s compulsory.
82. Each team must field at least one sideline-sitting, heavy-smkoking, umbrella-wielding mother with strong opinions on refereeing and this particular referee’s inadequacies.
83. The referee is not a social worker. Some players fully deserve to punched.
84. Urinating on the field during pep talks is a lost art.
85. Skilled execution of the bushman’s hanky manouvre whilst running at medium pace is compulsory for all representative players.
Spiro Zavos said | April 25th 2009 @ 12:09pm | Report comment
Only clubs that sell the best meat pies at a reasonable price can have home games.
Nird99 said | April 25th 2009 @ 12:32pm | Report comment
It is nice to Reminisce on a cold Saturday Morning , and remember all of those days that started at 7:30am to get set up for the juniors, make sure the onions are cut and the bread buttered for the steak sandwiches, ref a game of U13, work in the bar for a while and then run into the sheds 10 minutes before your game to get the boots on.
86. each team must have a 60 year old trainer that wears his gumboots to make sure his jeans dont get muddy, and proceeds to slip as he runs onto the field with the magic water.
87. the only coat to be worn by spectators are driz-a-bones
88. the half time break and team meeting must be held on the field of play
89. corner posts are optional
90. there will be one forward each game who trys to get his team out of trouble by kicking and the ball will go backwards.
91. wingers on particularly cold days will be allowed to wear a long sleeve shirt under their jumper.
92. there will be one player wearing boxers under his shorts because he forgot his underwear and complains loudly all game of chafe.
Fantastic article Andrew. It reminds many of us of our rugby days and of much simpler times.
Andrew Logan said | April 25th 2009 @ 5:19pm | Report comment
Roarers…..I think we may have reached the end of this topic, but I wouldn’t bet on it!
I must say that over the last few weeks, I have been getting a little disheartened by rugby, particularly the attitude of our professional system generally, where the old values appear to be no longer important and the old ways pooh-poohed as being just a little bit too quaint altogether.
I really appreciate everyone’s responses. It has made for an entertaining couple of days and has also given me heart that the people involved in rugby (and indeed in AFL and rugby league) at the grassroots love their game(s) and want to see it succeed.
Looking forward to seeing you out at the rugby, wherever it may be, for a cold can and a quality steak sandwich with coleslaw and plenty of sauce, while the fullback combs his hair during a break in play, the ref brushes a speck of dirt off his pearly white laces, and during a lull, the dulcet tones ring out across the field….”He’s been doin’ it all DAY ref!”.
Over and out…Loges.
Dan Dooner said | April 28th 2009 @ 10:35am | Report comment
Addendum to rule 5: Tight 5 shall wear full height goat skin ‘French Caps’ circa 80-84 (the ones with the single rucking stud at the front) with 21mm sprigs, regardless of field condition. Sprigs must be diligently warn in on concreate, creating a nice jagged edge. Head gear is right out, unless your name is Percy.
Andrew MacRae said | April 29th 2009 @ 7:50am | Report comment
I just made my 1 year old cry by laughing too hard…
93. Mouthguards must be of the $7.99 variety, preferably purchased from the Club Gift Shop, and soaked in scalding water and chomped on to set. Dentist made mouthguards incur a ‘Shout the Bar’ penalty.
Kenn MacRae said | April 30th 2009 @ 9:13am | Report comment
94. If a microphone and loudspeakers are present at the venue, at leat one of the home team players – ideally still wearing the gear they just finished playing in – shall provide score updates and commentary in different ‘commentary voices’. As the game and their beer intake progresses, the commentary shall be geared more toward amusing the crowd than informing it, and become increasingly disparaging and offensive until a sober member of the Board approaches the booth and tells them to tone it down.
94(i) Every home player onfield shall be referred to in the commentary by his nickname, even if it’s created on the spot.
94(ii) No opposition scoring shall be broadcast, unless the home team is still in front.
94(iii) Greater merit shall be awarded on every occasion the opposition score of ‘nil’ is referred to as ‘yet to score’.
94(iii)(a) Instead of ‘nil’, the commentator may choose to say the opposition’s team name, then, ‘yet to trouble the scoreboard attendant’.
Ian Slack-Smith said | May 1st 2009 @ 5:45pm | Report comment
Yep! All this posing about stretching and warming up……what’s wrong about doing that when you are running on??
Aches and bruises? I recommend a soak at the Burren Bore or the bore baths at Lightening Ridge. Magic!
Ken MacRae: Commentary? Scoreboard? Mouthguard? Nothing like that at the ‘Ridge when I was playing a million years ago.
Phil said | May 1st 2009 @ 7:52pm | Report comment
Fantastic thread – well done all – especially Andrew