Brumbies' Stirling Mortlock (left) and Waratahs' Lote Tuqiri take to the air in the Super 14 rugby match at Canberra Stadium, Friday, March 13, 2009. The Brumbies beat the Waratahs 21-11. AAP Image/Alan Porritt
There have been several controversial suggestions recently on how to make rugby a more spectator friendly game. Most of them have centered around the ELVs.
This assumes that there is some sort of problem with the mechanics of rugby and, as such, the issue has been approached in much the same way that a mechanic might approach an under-performing motor car.
Fiddle a bit. Measure some obscure gases and consumptions to bemuse the owner with later. Take it for a test drive round the block. Tune some more. Fabricate lengthy bill. Then present puzzled owner with a lengthy explanation of why it was all necessary and emphasise that, even if they don’t notice it, it really is running more smoothly, OK?
Unfortunately rugby’s problems are less actual and more cosmetic.
It’s like a V8 Falcon straight off the lot. Underneath it all, the donk and the drive train will do the job no worries, but it’s got that factory suspension and those dodgy mags. All it needs is a bit of a cosmetic overhaul so that it looks the part, as well as being able to pull a 10.5 for the quarter mile.
I floated this concept with a couple of simpleton rugby mates to see what they thought and when they loved it I thought there might be something in it.
The first target on the radar was the propensity for white boots these days. We took that on and wrote up some guidelines on the wearing of coloured footwear.
It grew from there.
So in answer to the Stellenbosch Laws, and with a view to recapturing the past glory of rugby whilst ensuring its progress into the future, I give you The Narrabri Principles:
1. Regarding footwear, white boots should only be worn if your name is “Serge”, “Phillippe”, “Hugo” or “Waisale”.
2. You may apply for a dispensation to wear white if your name is “Tim”, “Jason” or “Mark”.
3. If name is “Bakkies”, “Hika”, “Buck” or “Kobus”, wear whatever you want.
4. If your name is “Percy”, white boots are mandatory.
5. 18mm screw-in studs should be compulsory for all boots regardless of colour.
6. At the breakdown, the only offences will be foul play and offside.
7. Rucking is not foul play.
8. Players must enter correctly through the gate leading onto the field of play. After that, anything goes.
9. All tight forwards must have their head tape inspected pre-game by a Dan-Crowley-Accredited Tape Inspector to make sure there is 100 percent ear coverage. (Wade Dooley Accreditation will be acceptable in the Northern Hemisphere).
10. All medical staff to wear a St Johns Ambulance uniform (peaked cap included), be issued with a tin bucket and sponge, and be referred to as “Zambuck”.
11. Referees are not to be appointed on merit, but on a score calculated by the net weight of Brylcreem in their hair over the degree of contrast between their white laces and their shiny black boots.
12. Even in Test matches, one reserve from each team must run the line.
13. The referee will turn a blind eye when said reserve gives his team an extra metre.
14. All coaches must carry a clipboard and grow a moustache. Level 3 coaches course to include a mandatory unit – Facial Hair Cultivation And Grooming.
15. All matches to be conducted with a 100 percent leather “Wallaby” match ball which has been soaked in a bucket of muddy water for a minimum of two days pre-game.
16. All kickers must use sand. A kicker may use a tee but will be sin-binned for five minutes if he misses.
17. Any kicker having a kicking coach crouching behind him while he kicks is to be suspended for a minimum of eight weeks.
18. Any kicker who kicks from a mound of dirt that he has grubbed up with his heel is eligible for a bonus point for any goal he kicks.
19. A toe-poke kicker gets double.
20. All runners and medical staff entering the field of play during time-on are eligible to be tackled by any player.
21. Gatorade be immediately rated as a prohibited substance and herewith substituted for warm KB in a can. Tap water and dry sherry are other acceptable half-time refreshments.
22. At least one reserve per team must be smoking at all times during a match. (Nicotine patch substitution not permitted.)
23. Spectators to be issued with one lawn dart upon entering the ground for the purpose of skewering any stadium personnel who attempt to start a mass singing of “Waltzing Matilda”.
24. No child may leave the arena without a stamped pass to prove that they have entered the field of play after the final whistle and kicked at least one field goal.
That’s about it.
Bring on the Test season!
Recommend this story.
- Explore:
- ELVs, Rugby Union, Super Rugby
April 24th 2009 @ 7:57am
Andrew Logan said | April 24th 2009 @ 7:57am | Report comment
32. All clubs must nominate and display at least one “All Black Triallist”.
April 27th 2010 @ 11:48am
Mike said | April 27th 2010 @ 11:48am | Report comment
baahahaha. This floored me.
I’m crying now, and not from the mandatory orange peel squeze to the eye from stupid fly-half.
April 24th 2009 @ 8:05am
Knives Out said | April 24th 2009 @ 8:05am | Report comment
I think we would all agree that the Simpsons Softball laws are the way to go:
“Umpire: OK, let’s go over the ground rules. You can’t leave first until you chug a beer. And then scoring, you have to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer after all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the 4th inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball! “
April 24th 2009 @ 8:25am
Brett McKay said | April 24th 2009 @ 8:25am | Report comment
33. The sock ritual: Socks will no longer be supplied as part of team kit. Players instead must supply their own socks from a schoolboy/junior/district/representative team and wear their own sock on their left foot only. The right sock is thrown into a pile in the changeroom, for distribution among team-mates. No two sock combinations can be the same.
April 24th 2009 @ 8:52am
Shocks said | April 24th 2009 @ 8:52am | Report comment
jerseys will be cleaned by the winner of the 3, 2, 1 points of each team. After the game the jerseys must be then taken home (after post game drinks) to be left in the downstairs laundry to ferment until Friday night then washed at the latest possible moment so that they are still damp by game time. If the player has no downstairs laundry then the car boot can be substituted. If the jerseys come back smelling like fabric softener and all stains have been removed the it will be accepted that the wife or Mum of the responsible player washed the kit and must be ridiculed for it.
April 24th 2009 @ 8:54am
Roger said | April 24th 2009 @ 8:54am | Report comment
34. At least one player must be soooo hungover he will vomit on field within 5 minutes of kickoff..he will then compose himself, miraculously sober up, and return to play as man of match, then hit the cans again!
April 24th 2009 @ 9:02am
Robbie said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:02am | Report comment
G’day Loges
32. All touch judges must run back after a conversion with a high knee lift action.
33. Coach has to chain smoke
34. At least one winger has to be reminded during the game that he is still wearing a watch….with somweone on the sideline saying “mate what is the time?”
See you at the Dawn Service mate.
Robbie
April 24th 2009 @ 9:07am
Andrew Logan said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:07am | Report comment
Ah yes Roberto……the high knee lift is a must. See you tomorrow for a 5am slug of Jamesons.
April 24th 2009 @ 9:28am
Farmer said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:28am | Report comment
Great stuff.
35. Manadatory that 50 % of the sucked out orange quarters to be left on the field after half time.
36. Majority of players to have mullet hair styles – except wingers who can use hair products and hookers who will have minimal hair.
37. At least once during the game, the home team must organise one of the local dogs to run on the field and resist all attempts to shoo it off the field.
39. A minimum of 3 players from each side should be backing up from a lower grade match and playing an extra game for the day.
40 Ref must be addressed with “Sir… ” at all times.
April 24th 2009 @ 9:37am
Whaler said | April 24th 2009 @ 9:37am | Report comment
41. At speeches after the game at local pub or club house, as soon as club captain from each club commences his speech he will be greeted with “heres to smithy / jonesy / burko etc he’s true blue” being sung by entire room and forced to skol a schooner. This is to be repeated for the nest 3 or 4 times each time he attempts to begin his summary of the days play.
April 24th 2009 @ 10:04am
Ben C said | April 24th 2009 @ 10:04am | Report comment
41. The game must start no earlier than 15 minutes after the designated start-time as players show up late/have to finish the lower grade match in order to make up the numbers. It is acceptable for a team to borrow an opposition player to make up their numbers or for a ring-in to get a start. The ring-in shall make one dazzling play within the opening 10 minutes prompting speculation the next Wallaby/All Black/ Springbok etc player has been discovered before fading into obscurity.
42. No after match speech is permitted until the captain has had more than four drinks. A minimum of 6 cliches (eg the boys really played their hearts out) is necessary although completely incoherent drunken rambling is acceptable and encouraged.
43. After match lamingtons supplied by the local mothers/CWA must have a density slightly greater than that of a concrete brick. Players managing to eat said lamington must still thank the cook graciously before sitting quietly in a corner for two hours to enable digestion to occur.