By Andrew Jones
May 12th 2009 @ 2:00am
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The top five most Edible Cricketers
England bowler Graham Onions, right, celebrates with Graeme Swann, left, after taking his second wicket of the day, bowling out West Indies' Devon Smith during the third day of the first Test match between England and West Indies at Lord's cricket ground in London, Friday, May 8, 2009. AP Photo/Matt Dunham
Word games involving cricketers have long been a juvenile pleasure for myself and a handful of mates. Whole elevens have been selected and pitted in battle.
For example, the “Ancient Professions” – Archer, Butcher, Fletcher, Ironmonger, King, Knight, Laird, Slater, Taylor, Bishop and, of course, (Halford) Hooker – continually duel against the “Modern” – such as Nari Contractor, Faroukh Engineer and their colleagues.
So my email ran hot on Friday when it became obvious there was a new, and automatic selection for the “Edibles XI”, set out below.
For reasons of space, I’ve only put five players on the team sheet. So perhaps readers can help me round out the XI:
1. Graham Onions (c)
A sizzling debut for England over the weekend, which, characteristically, brought tears to the eye.
2. Phil Mustard
This English wicketkeeper-batsman has been compared, by Shane Warne no less, to Adam Gilchrist. I am not convinced. However, he also carries the delightful nickname “Colonel”, after the sometime Cluedo villain (candlestick in the drawing room, from memory).
3. Julian Wiener
The first (and to date, only) Jewish man to play Test cricket for Australia, this blond stalwart of the Melbourne grade cricket scene is also synonymous with a type of frankfurter. Which is odd, given Frankfurt and Wien aren’t even in the same country.
4. Allan Lamb
This pugnacious South African native comes highly recommended by Sam Kekovich, which normally would be an excellent reason not to pick him. However, he is rarely out of form and, let’s face it, is magnificent on Sundays.
5. Clive Rice
Dare I say it, adds starch to the middle order. Although first picked for his country in 1970, isolation – and the cancelled 1970 Australian tour – meant this former South African captain didn’t play an official international until 1991. We, therefore, thought it best he didn’t carry the drinks, as it could have been a long time between them.
Excuse all the awful puns.
Who else would you pick?
With thanks to Nicholas Gray, Bill Neild and Carl McCamish for their input.
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(12)
Stinger said | May 12th 2009 @ 8:58am | Report comment
Wait for Onions to take his first wicket from a miss timed shot to the gully – “Attempt to cut Onions ends in tears”
sheek said | May 12th 2009 @ 9:04am | Report comment
Well, I’ve come up with a few more to contemplate, some stretching it, I guess.
Australia – Neil Hawke, Ron Oxenham (ox & ham).
England – Bob Appleyard, George Bean, John Crapp (food), George Duckworth, Laurence Fishlock, Graeme Fowler.
New Zealand – Jeff & Martin Crowe, Fred Fisher.
And for cannibals, each of Australia, England & South Africa have had a Mann (all spinners BTW)!
Hugh Jarse said | May 12th 2009 @ 9:15am | Report comment
Rod Tucker
Slog said | May 12th 2009 @ 9:19am | Report comment
Jeff Dujon, I feel would be a better pick for the Keeper / Batsman / Condiments position.
Rodney or Brad Hogg depending on prevailing conditions.
Obviously Merv Kitchen would preside.
Hugh Jarse said | May 12th 2009 @ 9:30am | Report comment
Doug Bollinger
sheek said | May 12th 2009 @ 10:22am | Report comment
Well, if we’re going to throw in clever sayings, nothing beats this from the 1980 England-West Indies series. The commentator was English, can’t recall his name.
“The batsmans Holding…..the bowlers Willey.”
The batsman at the time was great Windies paceman Mike Holding. The bowler at the time was English allrounder Peter Willey.
Andrew Jones said | May 12th 2009 @ 11:29am | Report comment
Dujon – delicious! Although Wiener, Onions and Mustard are superb as a combination. (If only there were a player named Breadroll!).
Thanks all – please keep them coming!
AJ
Spiro Zavos said | May 12th 2009 @ 12:58pm | Report comment
My wife likes flowers in her salads, so Andy Flower gets a start.
What price some cricket commentator some time in the Ashes series talks about ‘Onions giving Australia the runs.’ Boom, boom.
Searly said | May 12th 2009 @ 3:35pm | Report comment
Does Beefy Botham get a run? He has received many a roasting in the press over the years…..
Love the cricket player word games Jonesy!
Many hours have been wasted (nay…productively utilised!) coming up with as many pairs of non-related Aussie Test cricketers who share the same surname (surprisingly many!) and Test cricketers from any nation with the same first and last initial. The recollection of Cameron Cuffy brought particular delight if memory serves correctly!
Jonathan Trollip said | May 12th 2009 @ 8:36pm | Report comment
The team would need a managerwho would clearly have to be a Cook (Aliistair of England or Jimmy of South Africa in the early 1990s) and may also wish to feast on Partridge (Joe, played for Rhodesia against Simposn 1966-7 team) and for nibbles how about Crisp(s) (Bob) or if you prefer a more up market brand try Pringles (Derrick of England and Merryck of South Africa)
Searly said | May 13th 2009 @ 8:46am | Report comment
Simon Cook (Aussie two-Test wonder) could also help with the preparations, while Ryan Sidebottom would come in handy if you were after a nice juicy piece of rump.
Dare I say you could even serve up some Jack Russell on a tour of South East Asia………?
[Zac....that has to be a stern test of your comments policy!]
bahodl said | June 30th 2009 @ 11:56am | Report comment
Derek Pringle?