The fly on the wall report from Murrayfield

 
Brett McKay Columnist

By , 24 Nov 2009 Brett McKay is a Roar Expert

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Australia's Quade Cooper, top right, leaps for a ball during the International Rugby Union test match against Scotland at Murrayfield Stadium, Edinburgh, Scotland. Saturday, Nov. 21, 2009. AP Photo/Chris Clark

Australia's Quade Cooper, top right, leaps for a ball during the International Rugby Union test match against Scotland at Murrayfield Stadium, Edinburgh, Scotland. Saturday, Nov. 21, 2009. AP Photo/Chris Clark

So while I went back to bed at 6:15am on Sunday morning wondering how the bloody hell the Wallabies could lose to Scotland like they did, the fly on the wall in the Murrayfield dressing rooms did some scouting for me.

On his return, after a long flight from cold and wet Edinburgh, he landed in front of me, pulled out his recorder, and said only one thing.

“I’m not naming names, but the voice you’ll hear has a slight Kiwi accent, and was wearing a Wallabies jacket.”

With that, he hit Play.

“Rocky, just gather them in, we’ve gotta head down to the press conference in a minute.”

(Muffled response)

“Yeah, I know mate, but at least you’ve only just been appointed. No knives out for you just yet.

“Right guys, I’ll try and keep this brief. How can I say this…..? Not happy, boys. Not happy at all. They’ll ask me if this is the lowest point of my international coaching career, and right now all I can think of as an answer is ‘Undoubtedly.’

“That’s probably the best I can offer.

“I can just imagine what the news back in Australia’s going to be like. Imagine what that mob on The Roar will be saying. Davey Pokes, I thought you writing for them was supposed to get them off our backs?

“I’ll just go around the room quickly. Where’s the Bens? Ben-with-two-Ns, I know your shoulder’s not flash, but what was happening in the scrums before you came off? I thought you reckoned you’d have these blokes covered?

“The other Ben, you came into the camp saying you were a flyhalf trapped in a prop’s body at the Brumbies, but you’ve barely touched the ball since we left home. Get involved more mate, if we wanted a no-impact tighthead we would have stuck with Baxter.

“Scrum was great once Keps came on, though; the Scots couldn’t go backwards quick enough.

“Moorey, great throwing tonight, the quick throw really caught them off guard. In hindsight I probably shouldn’t have dragged you. But how did you not score that try?

“Murrayfield has the biggest in-goals on the planet and you still couldn’t find a blade of grass somewhere?!? Actually, Rocky you’re in that boat too.

“Kev, Chis, just give your jumpers to the managers, we’ll use them again next week in Cardiff. Actually Chis, just hold yours up mate… yeah, they won’t even need washing.

“The lineout, boys. First half was great, quick throws, jumping at two, all worked a treat. So why when Taffy came on did you start calling the throws to the back again? Didn’t you learn that lesson in Dublin, and London? And Tokyo? And Wellington? And … well, you get the point.

“Now you blokes reckoned you’d be right at training this year with Jimmy on his own, that was why we let Foles take the Head, sorry, Forwards Coach job with the ‘Tahs. You’re not convincing me, boys.

“Cliffy’s headed off to hospital for scans, but he was great again tonight. Now you know much work you’ve gotta do to get back, don’t you Browny?

“Rocky, well played again tonight mate, I heard Growden in the tunnel saying something about another glowing write-up. Smithy, you’ve done well again, and that should keep bloody Waugh out of the papers with his opinions. Pokes will probably be back in Cardiff, but keep working hard at training.

“Genii, more quality tonight mate, I thought there was two of you. If you’re not going to shave the head and really be The Next George Gregan, can you at least start telling the refs how to do their job? Burge, you can play against Cardiff, and you can probably sit on the bench next Saturday, but I don’t know much beyond that.

“I told you it’d be a roller-coaster, and you’re driving the up-and-down train currently. Actually, you should go with Moorey and Taffy when they find a barn door to practice throwing at this week.

“Gits, kick through the ball, for Carter’s sake! Why are you stabbing at everything suddenly? And hurry up too mate, you nearly kicked that last one into them! Enough of this one-out crash ball too, this is rugby mate, not mini-league in Queanbeyan.

“And I know you don’t like Burge, but when he comes on, I expect you to take the pass – wherever it comes – and play from there. Stop this business of shooting back glares and general moping. You tell the world you prefer playing 10, so start playing 10.

“Quadey, another good game tonight mate, great passing, and defence too. Thought your long ball for Mitch was thrown backwards actually, but when you ignore three blokes and throw the pass 35m on the run, it’s gonna drift forward, isn’t it?

“Crossy, have you met Mitch and Hynesy? They’re the two blokes that stand on the sideline without flags. They’re actually there to support you in attack, so you know, feel free to use them. That said, you blokes on the wings can always wrap back inside and cut Crossy out too.

“Yes Crossy, I know you got the try mate, but what about the other 79 minutes?

“Coopy-two-names, some great counter tonight, and not so many dud kicks for a change. Thought you worked well with Hynesy too, but when Mitch is going to run through after a kick, you’re gonna need to go with him, ‘cos someone will need to make the tackle.

“You bench guys, keep working hard at training, and play well against Cardiff with the bag-carriers and Kurtley. Jamesy, little fella, you’re obviously a talent, we’ll keep bringing you on slowly.

“Anyway, I better get down there, though I’m sure it won’t be pretty. I just saw Eddie Jones reminding the League hack the Telegraph sent over of his win percentage. More bloody Lote questions, too, I’m sure.

“Undoubtedly …”

Follow Brett McKay on Twitter: @BMcSport
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