By Andrew Sutherland -
November 25th 2009 @ 2:06am
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It’s a summer of ODIs and STDs, warts and all
The new season of international cricket is almost upon us. It will be a summer cricketfest of 3 Mobile Tests, KFC Twenty20s, ODIs and STDs. Sorry, what was that last one?
As we all know (and wish we didn’t), Shoaib Akhtar missed this year’s World Twenty20 after treatment for die genitalen Warzen
Warts? Surely, as in the recent television ad, you just call the umpire over to apply some Wart Off.
But apparently not.
For genitals, Wart Off is a no-no. So what type of wart removing procedure is serious enough to put a cricket player out of action? And how do these rutting sportsmen avoid the embarrassment of having their transmitted afflictions, some contracted extra-maritally on some Trent Bridge toilet floor, from becoming news on Sunrise?
To find out, I go along to the Sexual Health Centre to interview some of the doctors who have the thankless and unsavoury task of dealing with diseased nether regions.
It is situated at a discreet distance from the CBD but close enough to visit a cafe for a double shot espresso after your genital electrofulgration.
Approaching the counter timidly (there’s a sign saying: “Stand back from the counter until called”) I tell the solemn looking chap behind it that I’m here for an interview. He directs me to the waiting room.
It looks like any medical waiting room.
But there is no coughing here, just a hot silence. What do people wear to a sexual health clinic? There are varied fashions but mainly smart clean looking pants belying the ungodly fermenting truth within: trousers that can be quickly taken off and then put back on so the wearers can get the hell out of there.
There are some reddish faces and greasy hair. Up on the the wall there is a poster proclaiming: “Anyone can get genital herpes”.
I shift uneasily in my overly warm seat.
I’m greeted by the surprisingly cheery Dr ‘No’. “Hello Andrew!”, he chortles, proffering his hand. Mine is wet and hot from nerves but what’s his excuse?
As we head off I notice a blond bloke with meaty fingers texting the blonde triage nurse. We go into the doctor’s office where in the corner there is an examination table with baking paper(!) on it.
My first topic is Shoaib’s treatment and how surely it couldn’t have been serious enough to stop him playing.
“Oh yes”, said Dr ‘No’. “Mr Akhtar had an intense dose of electrofulgration where his warts were basically electrocuted off. He needed ten days to heal and achieve skin cover”.
Other treatments include freezing (ie burning) with liquid nitrogen or the application of a special cream where the warts simply drop off after a few days (“Oh sorry, I can’t make the christening. I’m waiting for my warts to drop off”).
“Don’t forget there is also surgery”, says the resident dermatologist and cricket fan from India Dr ‘Yes’,”but you have to watch out for the bleeding!”.
What measures can a prominent sportsperson take to prevent their condition becoming public knowledge I wonder: “We strictly abide by doctor-patient confidentiality but of course if they want to they can use a false name.”
Not being a cricket fan, Dr ‘No’ had got Dr ‘Yes’ to retrieve a number of files. “Yes, well when I said they could use false names they must have misunderstood because they appear to have given their nicknames.
“Let’s see now, there is a Punter here. Oh yes I remember him, a nervous little chap, chewing his fingernails all the time. He thought he may have picked up something from the Caribbean. After I gave him the all-clear he still didn’t relax … he was mumbling something about not knowing she was Chris Gayle’s girlfriend.
“Dr ‘Maybe’ treated someone going by the name of Binga. It was syphilis, with complications. Antibiotics did the trick but he had left it a bit too long and will probably experience a weakening of his joints and have a susceptibility to side strains.
“There are two who had genital herpes … a Mr Cricket and … Pup. Mr Cricket had severe itching and hasn’t been able to keep still for the last two summers. Pup was fuming that he had waited so long to lose his virginity to a model only to get herpes.
Before leaving I ask Dr ‘Yes’ if that was Warnie out in the waiting room. “Oh yes, he’s getting his free Hep B shot”.
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(34)
Freud of Football said | November 25th 2009 @ 5:10am | Report comment
“die genitalen Warzen” – What is wrong with English? Why is it suddenly so in vogue to use German? Especially such poor German?
Andrew Sutherland said | November 25th 2009 @ 5:29am | Report comment
Ok, feigwarzen, Herr Schoolmaster.
Alright then, GENITAL WARTS!!!
Hey you’d think I mentioned the war.
Freud of Football said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:01am | Report comment
No, I’d say that German’s are much more comfortable talking about the war than Australian’s, I simply just find it ridiuclous that people feel the need to borrow words from other languages when the words exist in your own. I’m constantly hearing German’s talking of “Ramp ups” and “Roll outs”, not to mention words like “outsourcen”, the equivalent of English speakers adopting “Uber” and dropping the E. Unnecessary, pointless, annoying.
Just as I suspected, you used Babelfish.
MyGeneration said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:10am | Report comment
That’s all you found ridiculous about the article? Or should I say ‘ridiuclous’?
Dan said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:15am | Report comment
You should see Japanese… tonnes of ‘gairaigo’ (foriegn words that have been adapted to Japanese) that are completely unnecessary. It’s just fashionable over there for some reason… but that’s just how languages are I guess
Dave1 said | November 25th 2009 @ 4:09pm | Report comment
English has been taking words from other lanugues since the danes invaded England back in the days
MyGeneration said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:30am | Report comment
English is the bastard offspring of Latin, Greek, German, French etc. It is a ‘ridiuclous’ notion to think that we can’t borrow words from other languages. If we stopped doing that we wouldn’t have a language. Oy vey! Incroyable!
Freud of Football said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:47am | Report comment
No, English is a germanic language, it stems from German and it has borrowed a few words from Latin and French, not so many from Greek but by now the German’s are borrowing words back from English, it’s so bad that there was an obituary printed in one of the national dailies mourning the death of the German language.
English is now expansive enough that we don’t need to borrow words, there are now that many words in German for example that don’t have a direct/correct translation in English, “gemütlich” is probably the most famous but “kiffen” is pretty well known too.
I’m surprised people don’t use these words rather than über which is easily translated.
And thanks for pointing out my spelling mistake – twice. Much appreciated.
MyGeneration said | November 25th 2009 @ 8:45am | Report comment
Spelling mistake? I’m thinking of adopting it as my favourite new word. Just need a pronunciation guide.
Dave1 said | November 25th 2009 @ 5:10pm | Report comment
Its origins are Germanic and it took heaps of words from the French after William the conqueror invaded in 1066.
Andrew Sutherland said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:42am | Report comment
Freud, I seem to have hit a nerve. You haven’t been to the clinic have you?
Firstly, I agree with you on the borrowing of words. The ones you mention are quite funny but they are business cliques.
Now, not that it should need explaining but it’s not a serious piece. I used (“such poor”) german because, and i’m sure you would know, so called romantic languages like French are often used to soften an embarrassing or distasteful topic. I used German because it’s more abrasive than English and hence has the opposite effect. Now apparently the medical term for gential warts is feigwarzen but was unsure it was obvious enough for people to to identify it. Perhaps I should have just used filipino. I don’t know.
Gee Freud i now feel like i’ve been forced to take down my pants.
Freud of Football said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:53am | Report comment
You didn’t use German for any reason, you simply whacked a few words in Babelfish, ctrl+c & crtl+v and presto, you thought you’d come off as “cool” but made yourself look like a bit of a twat.
Further, I believe both Genitalwarzen and Feigwarzen can be used but there is some difference between the two terms I believe (that comes from Google as I’ve not been to the clinic), I simply can’t tell you what that is.
German may sound abrasive but it is quite a deep language, there is some excellent poetry and literature in German same as French (which is fantastic for HipHop) and when used correctly, German can be very beautiful – unlike English which is just extremely plain.
katzilla said | November 25th 2009 @ 7:05am | Report comment
‘you thought you’d come off as “cool” but made yourself look like a bit of a twat.’
The Irony of it all……….
Oh defender of the German language.
pothale said | November 25th 2009 @ 7:10am | Report comment
Doesn’t look good to show off too much, Freud. Particularly when you decide take someone down a peg or two on a very minor point and use it as an excuse to display your own superior knowledge to all and sundry.
Freud of Football said | November 25th 2009 @ 8:07am | Report comment
I was hardly trying to show off, I corrected MyGeneration as he thought it pertinent to point out my spelling mistake – twice – yet I didn’t get on any high horse to bring anyone down a peg.
I merely echoed the sentiments of many German’s, the constant swapping of words is annoying and pointless, I believe there are some native German speakers on The Roar and I would hesitate a guess that they would be of the same view as me.
As for Andrew’s use of German, well it was quite simply annoying, ridiculous (there you go MyGeneration, I can spell it) and totally pointless, they’re called Genital Warts, the words exist in English so what place do a few German words, for a medical condition, have in an otherwise English article?
Andrew Sutherland said | November 25th 2009 @ 7:45am | Report comment
“Presto”? You don’t mind borrowing from the Italians I see.
I hate the word “cool” and what do you have against twats – like German they too can be beautiful from a certain angle and in a certain light.
Freud of Football said | November 25th 2009 @ 8:09am | Report comment
http://www.askoxford.com/results/?view=dict&freesearch=presto&branch=13842570&textsearchtype=exact
Presto has been in the English dictionary for a long time, “die Genitalen Warzen” will never be adopted into English – there is a clear difference between the two.
Dave1 said | November 25th 2009 @ 5:19pm | Report comment
English has always borrowed words from other languages. That is why it has more words than other languages. Taht is its great strenth. The porblem with langusagews like Frendh is that people try to control it.
http://www.justbookreviews.net/Judith_Gorham2.html
“…….An important subplot of the adventure is the way a ‘correct’ way of speaking emerges. During the 17th century thousands of words were absorbed and created to cope with the expanding world. These new, usually elaborate classically based terms were called ‘inkhorn words’ by those who felt English must be defended from immigrant Latin and Greek. On the other side were those who saw a “necessary augmentation”. The debate sounds familiar. We might even support those Renaissance defenders of the language, until we learn that the words they wanted rid of included ‘specimen’, ‘pancreas’ and ‘skeleton’. It is also worth noting that many of the imported or fabricated words did in fact disappear of their own accord, and today we manage well without ‘obtestate’ (to bear witness) and ‘nidulate’ (to build a nest)!
Ideas of ‘fixing’ a correct language persisted through the 18th century. Anxiety about the state of the language was expressed by both the usual busybodies and more distinguished thinkers. The confidence that had “gobbled up (words) raw and whole” had given way to a need to fix them so that literature would not be lost to future generations. An academy was proposed so that grammar rules could be properly formulated and standards set. Swift, a key player in the movement, particularly disliked clipped words -‘pos’ for positive, contracted verbs – ‘disturb’d’ ‘rebuk’d’, and fashionable words – ‘sham’, ‘banter’ ‘bubble’. There was even a move to prohibit French phrases where English ones would do just as well.
Another idea explored in the book is that of new words providing new ideas or trains of thought, or clarifying current ones. Incredibly, the words for ‘crime’, ‘envy’ and ‘glory’ did not exist until the first English translation of the Bible; an even later translation introduced ‘beauty’. Imagine The Sun’s editorial without these! Later French imports of ‘romance’ ‘chivalry’ and ‘honour’ brought more new concepts. The pairings created by the first influx of Norman French words (start/commence, ask/demand, wish/desire) quickly become subtle distinctions. Bragg comments “commence carries a touch more cultural clout though start has the better sound and meaning to it for my ear…..It is as if the foreign elaborations, the wonderful artifice of the new and the inserted words only really strike fire when they hit the flint of the old”.
Andrew Sutherland said | November 25th 2009 @ 9:07am | Report comment
Did you have to ask askoxford.com. to find out how long “presto” has been in the English dictionary? And remember it’s in the dictionary because English speakers, trying to be cool, looked for a foreign word and VOILA!. Yes, I know those two words are better than any English equivalent.
And no, die Genitalen Warzen, Feigwarzen, and Genitalwarzen will never make it into English, unless you want genital warts to sound even worse, that’s the point.
Freud it has been good that language has been a focus on a sports website with an article on cricket and STDs!.
You are obviously a passionate and knowledgeable man in literary manners which is great but why the tinge of arrogance and the complete lack of a sense of humour?
MyGeneration said | November 25th 2009 @ 9:45am | Report comment
Exactimundo, Andreas! Set the lingo free!
And I think we have nothing to fear from Feigwarzen, which translates as “cowardly warts” on Babelfish (not that Babelfish should be regarded as omniscient on these matters).
andrew said | November 25th 2009 @ 10:26am | Report comment
Si Si!, Oui Oui!, Ja Ja! (someone check Babelfish).
MyGen, I think it’s time for you to write an article.
MyGeneration said | November 25th 2009 @ 3:01pm | Report comment
Now that genital warts has been covered, what’s left?
prowling panther said | November 25th 2009 @ 9:51am | Report comment
re mr achtar -why/how was it made public. i have a fleeting memory that it was the pcb that announced his condition. there are many people on this beatiful planet that would be better off without this information
prowling panther said | November 25th 2009 @ 9:52am | Report comment
apparently his had liposuction to lose weight too -_-
pity the man
Joh4Canberra said | November 25th 2009 @ 1:20pm | Report comment
While I’m no native speaker of German I have lived, studied (i.e done a university degree where German was the language of instruction) and worked in Germany and do speak fluent German (I’ve even watched rugby and cricket on TV with German commentary). I was perplexed at the author’s use of German for”genital warts” in this post. Most Aussies I know couldn’t speak a foreign language to save their lives and using an expression that has not been universally received into English (eg presto and voila) is likely to be lost on most people. Plus, why German? You might just as well have said 尖銳濕疣 and I’m sure that everyone would have been rolling on the the floor with laughter. NOT. Why is that? Is it perhaps because English speakers think that making fun of ze Chermans without any added wit is ipso facto (did I just use a Latin expression?) humorous?
So I have to say that I side with Freud on this one. I’m not against borrowings from foreign languages per se (oops more Latin!) and I’m not against their use for humorous effect. But context is everything and this wasn’t really it I’m afraid. You can’t simply take any word or phrase from a foreign language and drop it into an English sentence — especially when there is a perfectly good English equivalent such as, um, “genital warts” — and expect everyone to think you’re a funny fellow. While I can see that your intent in using a German expression was for humorous effect I didn’t actually find it funny in this context.
Beim nächsten Mal klappt’s besser?
andrew said | November 25th 2009 @ 3:51pm | Report comment
Joh, thanks for your comment. Now i’ve already explained why I used German (oh why didin’t i just use bl*#dy genital warts?). It’s not because I find German people or the language hilarious or though there are certain words non germans find funny.
I did it to enhance the distaste and embarrassment surrounding “the conditiion” (that’s the term I should have used!) As “so called romantic languages like French are often used to soften , jokingly or otherwise, an embarrassing or distasteful topic. I used German because it’s similar to English (so non German speaking readers – almost everyone here – know what it is referring to) but more abrasive and hence has the opposite effect”. And I didn’t just “drop it into” a sentence and there was the context of a player having his STD announced to the world.
Like Freud, you are familiar with German and hence don’t find it abrasive, hence it has no effect hence you don’t find it funny. Of course you may not think it funny for other reasons too which is fine. And it wasn’t meant to be THAT funny. Just, as Art Sapphire says, for a bit of “colour and effect”. It certainly has had plenty of the latter.
Art Sapphire said | November 25th 2009 @ 2:34pm | Report comment
Andrew-Little were you to know that slipping in a little bit of “bad” German for colour and effect to entertain the “hoi polloi” would result in the responses you have received.
Now, an ancient Greek might take offence at my use of the term “hoi polloi”.
Socrates – “Art, why could you not use a term like “the masses”, “the many”, or even “the rabble”. Can’t you see its use was inappropriate. It is pronouced – EE POLI – in Greek nothing like this OI! POLLOY! nonsense that this English Tribe uses. Its just not Greek Cricket”
Aristotle – “Leave Art alone Socrates, have you no sense of humour. People would think you are one of those humourless Barbarians that we found North of Macedonia”
GeneralAshnak said | November 25th 2009 @ 3:25pm | Report comment
Ole!
Thanks for the heads up on this wonderful article and its inciteful commentry
Bravo!
Art Sapphire said | November 25th 2009 @ 3:34pm | Report comment
de nada, General.
Just spreading the love on The Roar
Pippinu said | November 25th 2009 @ 4:57pm | Report comment
Ditto – an intentionally absurd piece from Andrew has resulted in a seriously absurd thread – completely off-topic, and yet, strangely enough, it seems to fit in at the same time – that’s some achievement!!
Andrew Sutherland said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:52pm | Report comment
Pip, I thought all this absurdity may appeal to you – a man with a Sicilian heritage who plays sjoelbak, korfball, tenpin bowling and aussie rules with a softdrink bottle!
Pippinu said | November 25th 2009 @ 7:14pm | Report comment
Hey – that’s my biography in less than 30 words!!
You could have won a Tarax competition with that effort!
Freud of Football said | November 25th 2009 @ 5:55pm | Report comment
Sorry for hijacking ths article there Andrew, I may not agree with your use of German and a single comment should have sufficed but others thought it pertinent to add their two bob.
Re: Akhtar, an actual cricket issue.
It is sad that he won’t be playing, ridiculously talented cricketer with apparently limited mental capacity, his career has certainly been one of the more colourful in world sports let alone cricket. I can’t recall another player having to miss games due to liposuction.
andrew said | November 25th 2009 @ 6:41pm | Report comment
That’s fine Freud. At least you sparked some passion – and a decent number of comments. I know some people find absurd pieces like this a bit annoying. There’s no opinion being expressed so its difficult to respond to.