The crystal ball predicts shocking times ahead

 

Roar Pro

By Jeff Dowsing, 14 Dec 2009 The Crowd is a Roar Pro

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 AFL, Cricket, Golf, Rugby League, Rugby Union, satire

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Tiger Woods the ‘bad boy’ of golf … it’s crazy but true. What’s next? The Roar crystal ball came up with these future shockers.

AFL to keep it simple, The Age 11 March 2011
Recently appointed AFL Operations Manager Humphrey Bear has instantly curried favour with the football world by staying true to his ‘fun loving’ mantra. Bear plans to turn back the clocks on football’s increasingly baffling rules. Interpreter in tow, Bear fronted the media throng outside the M&MCG.

“Days after I took over this position I managed to uncover the official AFL Laws of the Game (volumes 1-6) and interpretation manuals in Andy’s palatial ensuite. Reading is tough in this dark musty suit, so I decided to throw them in the skip, along with Tasmania’s AFL submissions. Instead, we’ll be using a little 1994 rulebook a Richmond fan gave me. It was the last time I remember the game representing a skilful spectacle without players wearing bibs and exasperated expressions, so we’ll give that one a go.”

Unfortunately for AFL fans, coaches, players and umpires, Bear was then bustled into a vehicle driven by Channel 9 Props Department Manager Eddie McGuire. Before the car sped off, McGuire offered a terse explanation. “Sometimes Humphrey just gets himself in all manner of strife – can’t you tell he was just having a little joke taking this job?

With the new season dawning, umpires’ boss Jeff Geischen is now contemplating a fallback system whereby the six field umpires will randomly flip a coin to decide frees.

Cricket 24/7, Daily Telegraph 15 June 2012
Twenty20’s popularity shows no signs of abating, and now the ICC is taking an uncharacteristic front foot swipe at hit and giggle traditionalists by staging concurrent Five5, Ten10, Fifteen15, Twenty20 and Thirty30 World Cups in Switzerland from March-November 2013.

“The more world champions, the better!” enthused Indian billionaire and ICC President Mukesh Ambani.

Bindi’s great rugby union, Courier Mail 21 February 2014
In an effort to rescue the embattled rugby codes, entrepreneur Bindi Irwin has staged a shock takeover of the NRL and Super 14’s rugby competitions. Every club was sold on her ‘one hemisphere, one unfathomable scrum’ platform, thus putting an end to a century of bitterness and destructive code switching.

“It’s a jungle out there!” Irwin gushed. “It’s about time we let nature take its course and let the animals unite. Now we can have the sharks, eels, lions, tigers, panthers, cheetahs, brumbies, bulls, broncos, sea eagles, roosters and the rabbit cereal all in one place, just like one of my zoos!”

Asked how the unwieldy 30 team competition would work, Irwin broke into a spontaneous jig. “It’ll be ace, just like feeding time – three times a day, every day of the week!”

Shanghai Dynasty granted AFL licence, The Age 1 April 2015
With the West Sydney and the Gold Coast money pits sucking the life out of North Melbourne, St Kilda and Melbourne, the way is finally clear for the AFL to confirm its ambitious plan to start a new AFL franchise in Shanghai.

AFL chief Adrian Anderson believes the Chinese are more than ready to have the code rammed down their throats. “With a population of 15 million and a television audience of one billion, it’s a no brainer. We only need to bribe one in 300 people with freebies and we hear China has even more money to waste than us.”

To ensure the club is ‘competitive’, the AFL is offering the Dynasty dibs on the first born of any past or present AFL player for the next 10 years, and the first 15 picks in the 2017 draft.

Anderson stated the next challenge is a team in Tokyo. “Asian derbies will be paramount to the code’s success.”

Asked how Tasmania’s hopes for inclusion were faring, Anderson replied “We truly value Tassie’s revered place in the AFL’s momentous 160 year history. As yet, we’re not aware of any official approach from the AFL Tasmania plants, I mean officials.”

Shield game a sell out, The Age 9 December 2017
With no internationals played this year due to security fears and the IPL, cricket starved fans have jumped aboard the Bushrangers in droves to get their fix.

Victorian supporters will endure sleepless nights as local favourite Brad Hodge steels himself to become the first player to score 2000 runs in a Shield season.

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