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How will your NRL team fare in 2010?

18th February, 2010
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Roar Guru
18th February, 2010
58
3520 Reads

Well footy fans, it’s that time of the year again. Time to dust off the jersey, time to shake out the flag, time to apply for temporary divorce, citing irreconcilable differences for 30 weeks.

But most importantly of all, it’s time for the second annual Sports Fan’s Life NRL Season Preview. Here goes;

Brisbane Broncos
This season for the Nags has a decidedly ‘Titanic’ feel to it. The sea-weathered skipper of this seemingly bulletproof club leading his crew into the wild blue yonder to realise their perennial destiny.

The only problem is there are a few icebergs to dodge, namely Hodge’s injury, the miles on Locky’s body, the lack of a fullback who can not only finish, but also make plays (this is not Denan Kemp, no matter how much you might try and convince yourself), a forward pack with a few big names but an inability to work as a unit for the duration of a season (or at least four weeks of a Finals campaign, IF they make it).

Then there’s the inevitable Origin depression. The most distressing part, for mine, is the fact that they have signed Tim Smith, which is like setting off on your voyage without enough life jackets … and we all know that never ends well.

I’ve got that sinking feeling. Predicted Finish: 10th

Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs
I doubted the Dogs last year, but that won’t happen again. They’ll field a super strong side that will turn up every week.

The loss of Greg Eastwood will hurt, both in the Dog’s defensive line, and the local All You Can Eat restaurant’s profits. Replacing Hazem El Masri with Steve Turner is like trading in your Ducati on a Vespa, it’s functional, quite zippy and mostly reliable, but it’s not scoring points when or where you need it to.

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In any case, they’ll ground out enough wins to get them into the Top Four. Predicted Finish: 3rd

Canberra Raiders
The Raiders are my tip to be the major improvers of this NRL season. Other than David’s Nephew, their side is virtually void of a superstar, but they have some ingredients to make some noise, especially early in the season as Teams find their feet.

Whether or not that gives them enough momentum to make a run towards the eight is another thing, but they’re young, have tough, no nonsense forwards, some real talent and just the right sprinkling of hard nosed role players.

Provided they don’t get too distracted by legal pyrotechnics or porn, and can keep away from the hordes of gorgeous politicians around town (cough), the Green Machine might just surprise a few people. Predicted Finish: 12th

Cronulla Sharks
I recently caught the Shark’s episode of ‘Rugby League Summertime’ on Fox, and watched with interest when the Club’s strength & conditioning coach was quizzed about how the club was putting the latest technology to hit the NRL, GPS tracking, to use in the pre season.

I cringed as I watched the poor bloke try to dance his way around the question by saying that they had adopted more ‘old school’ methods. Translation? We can’t afford it.

Besides, You don’t need a GPS to tell you you’re running last. Predicted Finish: 16th

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Melbourne Storm
My pick for the dirty little secret of the NRL season? Melbourne cannot win the Premiership without Dallas Johnson. They have more than enough stars to get their share of wins, but when the going gets tough, who’s clogging the middle? (Hint, it’s not Ryan Hoffman, he’ll be out on the wing).

Powerhouse club, coached by one of the best, and with some of the best players the game has to offer, but they just unearthed their own achilles heel, for the sake of keeping Jeff Lima (Hint: Lima’s not clogging the middle either).

And that’s the point … no one is. Predicted Finish: 6th

Manly Warringah Sea Eagles
George W. Bush may have ran the world’s leading super power, Barack Obama may have won the Nobel Peace Prize, Homer Simpson may have controlled a nuclear power plant and Paul Vautin may be the leader of a major rugby league television production, but despite these hideous ironies, Kieran Foran should never, EVER run a first grade Rugby League side.

Wearing #7 on your back is one thing, performing the duties of a half back in the NRL is another.

Maybe life after Ox isn’t as rosy as the Eagles’ boffins had hoped? Predicted Finish: 8th

Newcastle Knights
With the Danny Wicks scandal leading to the loss of a potential major sponsor, things were looking dire for the Novocastrians. However, we all know it’s hard to keep a good coal miner down, so spirits were lifted when news started to filter that the club was negotiating with Willie Mason’s management to bring the embattled former Chook up the freeway.

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Turns out that Willie was prepared to be unemployed rather than join the Knights, before being given a face saving life line by the Cowboys.

When a universally vilified player would rather collect Centrelink payments than play for your club, you’re in for a tough year. Predicted Finish: 13th

North Queensland Cowboys
I was having trouble deciding what 2010 will bring for the Cows. They’ve had their share of disruptions, such as Johnathan Thurston’s contract negotiations, or the uncertainty over just how Matt Bowen will come back after more knee surgery, and then there is the Willie Mason saga that has finally been put to bed.

All my indecision was cleared when, while sitting in a pub with a nice cold Bundy Red, Air Supply’s 80’s hit, ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’, from the soundtrack of the movie ‘Mannequin’ came on the video jukebox of the establishment I was relaxing in. I closed my eyes, and imagined Thurston and Mason, in a duet, belting out that very song at the top of their lungs.

Think I’m crazy? Listen to these lyrics (it’s best if you picture the boys arm in arm, gazing into each others’ eyes) ‘… and we can build this thing together, stand in stone forever, nothing’s gonna stop us now’ … not convinced? Try this on for size ‘… let ’em say we’re crazy, what do those fat businessmen knooooow? Put your arms around me Willie, don’t ever let gooooo’ …

Now, as nostalgic as a trip back in time to the 80’s is for all of us, if you are an NRL Team, and your season was prophetically displayed to a random fan by way of a big haired, synthesiser inflicted, patent leather clad 80’s pop song … you’d best put on your leg warmers and bust out your Rubiks cubes as I’d say you were in for a long year. Predicted Finish: 9th

Parramatta Eels
As mentioned earlier, I have been getting hooked on ‘Rugby League Summertime’, mainly because I am desperate for any sort of footy fix I can lay my eyes on, and the show is also abundant with unintentional humour.

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Take Parramatta’s episode, where the crew interviewed Fui Moi Squared and asked him his opinion on the Eels’ preparation for the upcoming season. The Foo replied … well, actually I have no idea what he said because I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD! From there we were treated to Jarryd Hayne’s enlightening ‘Yeah, it’s good, you know…yeah, good, you know, it’s good, yeah’ …

Translated, I think this means ‘We’ll be even more dominant than we were last year’. Predicted Finish: 2nd

Penrith Panthers
A little known fact around Panther-town is that much of the club’s significant finances go towards a team of psychologists who are on hand 24/7 to handle the team’s increasing number of complete head cases. The worst examples are Jarrad Sammut, Frank Pritchard and Daine Laurie, who have all been restricted to eating from rubber spoons.

But even the coach has some cuckoo in him, having simulated his own demise by way of his famous necktie noose of 2008. Clearly things haven’t improved in the cavernous space that is Matthew Elliot’s noggin, how else could you explain him letting the uber-talented Paul Aiton (who was just ready to make his leap into another level) flee to rot away at the Sharks, only to replace him with Kevin Kingston? It’s like giving your H3 Hummer away and scraping some change together for a Datsun 180b …

Inefficiency in the hooking role will be the biggest story out of Penrith since ugg boots were invented. Predicted Finish: 11th

South Sydney Rabbitohs
My pick for the player to take the biggest leap in 2010? Nathan Merritt. I know he is already among the best wingers/fullbacks running around, but with the likes of Roy Asotasi, Ben Ross, Sam Burgess and Dave Taylor getting the better of most packs, and quick play the ball releasing Isaac Luke through the ruck, I’d like a lazy few thousand on Merritt once again being the NRL’s leading try scorer by season’s end.

I think a big key to Souths’ success will be where Taylor defends. If he defends close to the middle, his work rate will nullify his attacking efficiency, isolated out too wide and any centre with half decent footwork will exploit the big fella laterally.

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Interesting to see how a coach that has been out of the game for some time works out that little conundrum. Predicted Finish: 7th

Sydney Roosters
History is littered with highly entertaining trios. Larry, Curly & Moe,Huey, Duey and Louie, Bill, Hillary and Monica, to name just a few, have provided us with too many LOL’s to mention. But, in perhaps the most comical menage a trois yet, the Roosters have placed their faith, and their 2010 season, in the hands of Smith, Ryles and Carney.

Now, for anyone who doesn’t support the Roosters, that’s bound to turn your frown upside down.

For those of you who’ll admit to loving the Chooks, surely only Bella, Edward and Jacob could turn your stomach more. Predicted Finish: 14th

St Geroge Illawarra Dragons
In a coup for the Big Red V, Hollywood superstar Will Smith will star in a big screen production outlining the Puff’s 2010 season, entitled ‘The Fruitless Pursuit of Happiness’.

A sequel is also planned to be released next year.

And the year after that, and the year after that and the year after that. Predicted Finish: 4th

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Gold Coast Titans
Michael Searle is the world’s greatest salesman … there, I said it.

If he can sell the benefits of Greg Bird to a fanbase that only took up supporting the club three seasons ago (hence no long history of devotion), then something tells me that somewhere, in the deep dark reaches of Alaska, there’s a bunch of fur-clad folk wondering just what they are going to do with all that extra ice.

Predicted Finish: 5th

New Zealand Warriors
Imagine having a fleet of sports cars, that you had affectionately named McKinnon, Locke, Tate, Vatuvei and Moon. Now imagine those same sports cars having no idea where they are headed, their steering wheels removed and their engines restricted, rendering them at minimum capacity.

Now, imagine Brett Seymour running the 2010 New Zealand Warriors. See the similarities?

Here’s some tissues Warriors fans, you’ll need these. Predicted Finish: 15th

Wests Tigers
They said their forwards were too small, enter Cayless, Moors, Galloway & Ellis. They said their star was too injury prone, enter Beni Marshall after the best part of two seasons straight injury free. They said they’d never replace Prince (ok so that’s still partially true), enter Moltzen & Lui.

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They said they had no depth, enter Taumata, Fitzhenry, Fulton, Daniela, Brown, Flanagan, Tupou. Most of all, they always whispered that they were soft, and lacked the mental toughness to win close, grinding games. Enter Steve Folkes as strength and conditioning coach. Oh, and just in case they had any other questions….Enter Lote Tuqiri.

If you still think the Tigers aren’t taking this out, I don’t know what to say to you, other than … you realise we signed Lote Tuqiri, right? Predicted Finish: 1st

The footy’s getting close, I can hear the heckling of rival fans ringing in my ears already! Regardless of whether you agree with any of this trifle, and plenty of you won’t, how good is it that footy is just around the corner? Bring it on!

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