Wallaby Justice League wins the battle of good and evil

 

Columnist

By Andrew Logan, 6 Sep 2010 Andrew Logan is a Roar Expert

Tagged:

 Rugby Union, Springboks, Tri Nations, wallabies

38 Have your say

Email

For those who came in late… The bruised and battered Wallaby Justice League (WJL), bleeding from their latest gruelling encounter with the Springbok Injustice Gang (SIG), had assembled in their temporary Justice League HQ on the mythical high-veldt of South Africa, watched carefully from a distance by swarms of Bengali pirates and Bandar pygmies.

Bedecked in their various superhero livery, they crouched around their mentor, Professor Xavier Deans, the man who devoted his life to training young mutants to use their powers for the benefit of rugby, and to prove that mutants can be heroes.

As one, they swore their oath….”I swear to devote my life to the destruction of the Springboks, the All Blacks, the English, and kicking rugby in all its forms! My sons and their sons shall follow me…” and then looked about at their fellow members.

In the front row, Lothar Ma’afu, the massive manservant of Mandrake the Magician, shuffled nervously next to his hooker, The Thing Moore. The Thing, playing in his 50th Test, flexed his rocklike skin, and muttered his battle cry, (“It’s clobberin’ time!”) to tighthead prop, Captain Marvel Robinson. Captain Marvel’s return from a broken arm was testament to his superpowers of regeneration.

Meanwhile, Mr Fantastic Sharpe and Superboy Chisholm, the two second rowers, strapped their thighs and ran through lineout calls. Mr Fantastic had been underrated in recent seasons, but his super-intelligence had rescued the WJL from several tight spots recently. Superboy, on the other hand, despite his Superman-like guns, was yet to display the maturity and consistency of the fully-fledged superhero.

Surveying the scene, Mr Rocky Walker (*for the Ghost Who Walks) pulled on his skin tight no. 6 and nodded at how well the jersey slipped over his purple hero-suit. Newly minted member of the WJL, Hawkman McCalman, flexed his wings and felt his hero-strength course through his veins – he was looking forward to the contest.

Amidst the electric atmosphere, the spiritual, if not actual, leader of the WJL, Superman Pocock, adjusted his forehead curl and contemplated the action ahead. So far he had avoided the worst of the effects of the green kryptonite carried by the Injustice Gang, but he knew that every encounter had its perils.

He nodded to the scrumbase duo, Spiderman Genia and Mandrake Cooper as they lobbed a ball to each other. Mandrake made the ball mysteriously hover in mid-air, whilst Spiderman casually zipped a web from his wrist and dragged the pill into his hands, forcing a smile from Superman’s lips. Wolverine Giteau glowered in his solitary way and flexed his retractable adamantium-laced claws.

Nearby, the speed merchants, The Flash Mitchell, and Atom O’Connor danced and stepped in the confined space, eager to be let off the leash. The Green-Lantern-Ashley-Cooper rubbed his green power ring and practiced various flying superhero poses. And at the back of the room, Batman Beale was given a last minute rubdown by the Boy Wonder.

Following a final benediction from Professor Xavier, the Wallaby Justice League filed out of the room, led by Mr Walker (*for the Ghost Who Walks), took their places opposite the Springbok Injustice Gang, and the whistle blew for time on.

After some torrid early exchanges, the SIG conceded a penalty close to their posts and up stepped Wolverine. Utilising his superhuman reflexes, the Wolverine slotted over a neat penalty goal to give the WJL an early lead.

A few minutes later, repelling a heavy SIG surge, Batman was unlucky to be penalised as he swooped on a breakdown from fullback and lassoed a loose ball with his utility rope, only to be penalised, despite being the tackler and appearing to have the rights.

After several further minutes of possession, the combined superhero powers of the Wallaby Justice League came together and struck viciously at the Springbok Injustice Gang. Finding the ball in his hands, five-eighth Mandrake mesmerised the opposition with a hypnotic gesture, before magically making the ball appear 25 metres away in the hands of the Green Lantern.

The Lantern rubbed his ring and slipped around the wicked Magneto de Villiers in a trademark flying bullet pose, before finding The Atom, who slipped down the wing at the speed of light despite only being the size of a subatomic particle.

Springbok Injustice Gang fullback Chronos Steyn, arch-nemesis of The Atom, botched his reputed superpower of being able to manipulate time, and mistimed the tackle, allowing the Atom to offload to Batman who ran 20 metres untouched and scored for the WJL.

Before Professor Xavier even had time to bang on the window, the WJL were in again, courtesy of a horrible lineout mixup from the Injustice Gang. The ball floated over all the jumpers and bobbled around on the ground, before Mandrake, with a trademark hypnotic gesture, spirited it into the hands of Superman.

Superman immediately zapped the ball to Wolverine, who recycled through his retractable claws to the Green Lantern. Once again flying like a bullet, the Green Lantern combined with The Atom, who shrank his body to a nanotomic level, and strolled over untouched, as Magneto again arrived too late to stop the movement.

The WJL were, as you’d expect, looking superhuman, and there was more to come as the brawn up front got into the act. Following a ruck a few metres from the SIG line, Lothar muscled his way to a metre out, before handing off in the tackle to Mr Fantastic who utilised his body elasticity to eel his way around the ball and distribute to The Thing. The Thing gritted his gravelly teeth, and rumbled his rocky frame over the line to celebrate his 50th test.

Only one more try required for a bonus point, and again the superheroes obliged with a gem from a quick throw-in. The Atom found Batman midfield, Batman attached his climbing cable to the ball and fired a long pass to the Flash who utilised his super-speed force and headed midfield before linking back with The Atom.

The Atom accelerated like the particle that he is, and left several larger members of the Springbok Injustice Gang behind in his nuclear wake as he scorched a path up the middle of the pitch. As the Atom came to the last line of defence, the Phantom loomed up out of the jungle, took the pass, and delivered a knockout skull-ring-blow to the jaw of the Injustice Gang, with a sliding try into the right upright.

Up to this point, you could have been forgiven for thinking that The Wallaby Justice League was going to right 47 years of high-veldt wrongs with the mother of all hidings. But those who have watched a superhero movie know that nothing ever goes that smoothly. Kryptonite, remember?

Sure enough, as soon as it had appeared, the 30 minute aura of WJL invincibility began to melt away like Singh Pirates disappearing into a Bengalla fog.

A breakdown in the WJL half saw locks Mr Fantastic and Superboy standing flatfooted next to the ruck like their feet had been stapled to the ground with croquet hoops. Meanwhile, the fiendish Shadow Thief, used his powers to shift his body into a two-dimensional, intangible, Victor-Matfield-like shadow state. Slipping straight through the middle, he chip-kicked, regathered and offloaded to his henchman Abra Kadabra Fourie for an ethereal try – despite a last-minute hypnotic gesture by Mandrake.

Suddenly the WJL were standing around looking uncertain. Were their powers real? Had Wolverine been stabbed by the mythical Muramasa blade? Was The Flash being targeted by a Black Ring? Had Aleena The Enchantress been magicking Mandrake? It seemed that only Superman was immune to the powers of evil.

After half time, things got worse. Lex Luthor Steenkamp, for the second time in two tests, steamrolled his way over despite attention from Hawkman and Superman. New WJL no.8 Hawkman almost managed to slip a wing under Luthor, but his power belt was waning by this stage, and Luthor knew he had made the score.

Mandrake once again was furiously gesturing at Lex Luthor from a safe distance as he rumbled over, but his hypnotic powers appeared to be only affecting his teammates, as the Springbok Injustice Gang stepped up a gear and channelled their no.12 Magneto over under the posts for a further score. The WJL appeared to be magnetically repelled by Magneto as he went through the middle. Needless to say, Mandrake was hiding behind his cape as Magneto went through.

Could things get worse for the WJL? Hard to believe, but yes. Despite a typically granite-like performance,The Thing had been hooked by Professor Xavier for reasons unexplained, and replaced by Wonder Twin Faingaa.

Wonder Twin was only on for a matter of moments before calling out “Wonder Twins powers….activate! Form of a….piledriver!” and getting himself marched for longer than he’d actually been on, whereupon he joined his other Wonder Twin back on the sideline.

The WJL looked doomed and Professor Xavier started furiously emptying his bench in an effort to get fresh heroes on to cover for the departed Wonder Twin. Among others, Wolverine was rotated at inside centre with his fellow X-Man, Cyclops Barnes, who immediately had an impact, using his optic energy beams and intuitive spatial geometry to spot a gap and calculate a pass into the hands of The Flash, who sliced through under the posts to keep the WJL in the match.

But the wobbles were still evident. Batman threw a bat-a-rang of a pass over Mandrake’s head and over the dead ball line. Mandrake returned the favour by conjuring up the world’s greatest falcon into the head of Batman. The stadiums were hollering and carrying on like a Gotham city sidewalk crowd. It’s a blunder! It’s a gaffe! No, it’s the Wallaby Justice League!

But as we have said before, true superhero stories have a set script. Superhero shows up. Superhero goes into battle. Superhero gets hurt and almost dies. Superhero escapes certain death and gains redemption.

And in keeping with the script, the villains made an inexplicable error of judgement with seconds to go, and let the heroes off the hook with last minute penalty from bazooka range.

The Wallaby Justice League looked around at each other. Who’d take the shot?

Regular kicker Wolverine was already soaking his adamantium-laced skeletal structure in a post-Test bath. Superman and the Phantom for their part, looked relieved to not have to pull this thing out of the fire for a change.

Spiderman was long gone, and Mr Fantastic – despite his mastery of mechanical, aerospace and electrical engineering, chemistry, all levels of physics, and human and alien biology – couldn’t kick. Mandrake had been having an off night. Cyclops perhaps? Or maybe the Atom?

Suddenly all eyes were drawn to the darkening sky with its rushing clouds. There, above the silhouetted stands, appeared the symbol of Wallaby Justice League deliverance – the Bat-signal.

The ranks of the WJL-superheroes slowly parted as their fullback walked up to the mark. Unbuckling his utility belt, he withdrew his bat-tee and carefully placed the ball upon it before pacing backwards and adjusting his bat-cape.

Professor Xavier hid his face in his hands. The Wonder Twins quietly touched their rings together. The Phantom signalled for his horse, Hero, in case the kick was missed and he needed to make a fast escape. Mandrake gestured hypnotically.

And then, Batman took a last agonising breath and swooped in to kick, the ball leaving his bat-boot like a bat-cannon-fired grappling hook, before falling over the bar to give the Wallaby Justice League the most unlikely of victories.

And so, as the celebrations fade, we ask….can the Wallaby Justice League face down their biggest foe from across the Tasman?

Tune in next week, to see the Wallaby Justice League battle those who seek the power to bring about the Blackest Night…the mythical Black Lanterns!

Same bat-time, same bat-channel.

The Turkey 10

The Turkey 10 teams have now been selected, as Wild Turkey Bourbon's sport sponsorship kicks into the next exciting phase.

Choose which side you're going to support and get in the running to win $2,500!

Simply visit Wild Turkey Australia on Facebook for your chance to win.

Find out more.