A traffic accident in the Blackwall Tunnel in South London caused me to balls up the first over of the 2006-07 Ashes series. I’m not sure what excuse Stephen Harmison had for doing the same, but when I showed up halfway through the second over at my friend’s house for an all-night Ashes party, it was clear that something was not right.
This is a guest post from Patrick Kidd, The Times
“How’s it looking, Mat?” I asked the host. Mat, a barrister used to assessing evidence before rushing to conclusions, just looked pale, reached for what appeared to be his third beer of the match, took a swig and said: “We’ve lost. Already.”
It is never too early to throw away the Ashes. In 2002, Nasser Hussain appeared to have done just that when he walked out for the toss convinced that he would bat if he won and found himself uttering the words “I think we’ll field” as soon as he got the call right.
In those few strides, he had become convinced that his batsmen would not be able to handle Glenn McGrath and Co. Within the space of a few seconds, all plans had gone out of the window. Australia cashed in.
To be fair to Nasser, he was probably just surprised he had called correctly, having won six out of his 27 previous tosses, including a fabulous statistically improbable sequence of one win out of 16 in 2000-01. A great captain, Nasser, but a hopeless tosser.
I was speaking to Phil DeFreitas recently about the importance of seizing the initiative early. “Daffy”, who at the age of 20 was given a Test debut at the Gabba in the 1986-87 Ashes, said it was crucial in that match that England’s batsmen passed 400 after winning the toss (helped in no small measure by 40 for DeFreitas).
It gave the bowlers the confidence to attack Australia and from that initial win flowed the series. England have not won the first Test of an away Ashes since.
Eight years later, Defreitas told me, he was the older, wiser spearhead of Mike Atherton’s attack as they tried to regain the Ashes.
DeFreitas had done his visualisation exercises, putting himself mentally in the right place for the Test. He had worked out what end he wanted and gone through in his mind what he would do with that first ball.
And then, as they walked out on that first morning, Mike Gatting smelt the wind, decided it was blowing in a funny way and suggested to Atherton that they should open from the opposite end.
“I wasn’t happy about it,” DeFreitas told me. “It really threw me. I couldn’t find my line and Michael Slater hit my first two balls to the fence.”
And so passed another Ashes series out of England’s clutches before the first drinks break.
If this sounds defeatist, typical Pommy pessimism to regard a whole series lost after a couple of balls, then I can only hope that the pessimism afflicts Australia this time.
Lord knows they have plenty to be pessimistic about.
Shane Watson is their best batsman and their best bowler, for a start. I know he is better than we all think in England, but he still looks too much like Prince Adam of Eternia, before he turns into He-Man, for me.
The next best batsman, on form, is Mitchell Johnson, who has just made his highest Sheffield Shield score.
The rest are crocked or rocked.
Simon Katich is apparently fit but was playing club cricket two weeks ago, Michael Clarke’s back is playing up, Ricky Ponting has forgotten how to score hundreds and Mike Hussey has forgotten how to score forties.
Marcus North either scores big or disappears: two thirds of his 32 Test innings have resulted in him being back in the hutch before he has got to 25, yet he has five hundreds.
And then there is the post-Warne spin dilemma.
Eight bowlers have been asked to take on Shane’s mantle since he retired 38 Tests ago and Xavier Doherty could become the ninth. That is remarkable inconsistency, especially given the unjustified faith the selectors have placed in the Aussie middle order for so long.
I fully expect Doherty to play in Brisbane, Steve Smith in Adelaide, Nathan Hauritz in Perth, Tim May in Melbourne and, after a swift citizenship test, Muttiah Muralitharan in Sydney.
So it is grim for Australia.
If they start the first Test badly, there is every chance that England could be heading for a first Ashes win Down Under in almost a quarter of a century. And what a lovely wedding present that will be for Prince William and his bride to be (if that doesn’t give Australians incentive to up their game, I don’t know what will).
And yet my natural English gloom makes me wonder whether I am wrong to get cocky.
Much could go wrong for us on the first day. Alastair Cook might blind himself as he applies his mascara. Andrew Strauss might be so enraptured with a piece of Latin translation that he forgets to go to the ground.
Steve Finn could have a sudden growth spurt, rocket to 8ft 2in (he’s pretty close already) and brain himself on the door frame of the changing room.
Stuart Broad’s dad might ground him. Ian Bell might let the Shermanator taunts get to him. Matt Prior might be kidnapped by Peter Jackson and asked to play an orc in the film version of the Hobbit. Graeme Swann, God forbid, might suddenly begin to doubt his ability.
Nah, that last one will never happen.
Either way, there will be a lot of nerves this side of the world, as usual. The nice thing is that there will be nerves in Australia as well.
Good luck, Aussies. For once, you need it.
Patrick Kidd is a sports writer for The Times newspaper in London and blogs at Questingvole. He wrote this article as a guest post for The Roar. With Peter McGuinness, a Queenslander, he has written a book on the Ashes rivalry, called Best of Enemies. Buy it here.
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