Why the sporting elite shouldn’t tweet

 
Chris Chard Columnist

By , 17 Jan 2012 Chris Chard is a Roar Expert

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Ever wondered what Stephanie Rice had for breakfast? Or who Fui Fui Moi Moi thought should win Australian Idol? Well then. Boy, are you going to love Twitter.

Like most new concepts, Twitter burst onto the scene promising to rock us like a hurricane, only for the average user to feel more like they were sitting in the living room with their Nan’s second hand pedestal fan.

Still, after learning the ins and outs of the concept and negotiating the minefield of webcam girls and abbreviated grammar, Twitter actually holds a lot of value for Joe Blow sports fan.

Of particular enjoyment is communicating with other sports watchers during the course of a match via the website. It’s ace. Think up a witty joke (or juvenile smutty double entendre) and instead of just getting the chance to share it with your mates Empty and Nought, you can instantly unleash your hilarity upon the world at large.

On top of this there’s the chance to get live updates from delayed or untelevised matches, access to multiple wild rumours, and the early scoop on any sort of developments.

Without a doubt, though, the most disappointing thing about sport on Twitter are the tweets of sports stars. There’s an old saying that “You can’t put brains in monuments”, and damn, following professional athletes on Twitter is like a long walk around the Canberra War Memorial.

Having spent some time among the sporting elite (by which I mean driving the ungrateful bastards around to community engagements in my second-hand Corolla) the first thing you learn is how normal they are, except bigger. I swear the Corolla lost five years of its life carting around those flatulent behemoths.

Secondly you learn that a lot of them, well, just aren’t that smart.

It’s a stereotype, I know. But it’s one that is only fanned into greater fury by Twitter itself. No, of course sports stars aren’t alone in their posting of absolute dross. (KookyKat87: OMG Sun hot 2day like WTF?!#LOL #Banality.) But through fear of upsetting sponsors or teammates they do post an awful lot of crap. For a fan, it’s the ultimate breaking down of the fourth wall, and the results are pretty damn disappointing.

Would you want to know that Batman just ate the world’s best chicken burger? No? Then dammit, we shouldn’t have to hear it from our sports heroes either.

There’s also the annoying habit of players inadvertently taking the buzz out of big matches via Twitter. After the traditional media has spent a fortnight hyping up the big match, and you’re ready to bite your own hand off in anticipation, some boofhead from your team will tweet about choosing wallpaper with his missus, or washing a batch of undies, even though it’s just a couple of hours before the game. Bit of a buzz-kill, sorry.

In fact, the only time most sports stars are worth following is when they’re retired and can freely speak their mind, or doing something stupid, or both (namely Willie Mason). Letting slip expletives at fans, blowing up at coaches or sponsors, posting inappropriate twitpics of them doing a nude run on Mad Monday – now that’s entertainment.

Hopefully this situation is something that sports administration bodies will start taking a more serious look at in in the future, with international Twitter experts flown in from around the world by the AIS to coach young up and comers on how to successfully engage, if not entertain, punters at large.

Until then though, if you know any current sports stars posting something more in depth than the size of their pizza dish, I’d love to know about it. I mean, as long as they aren’t Willie Mason.

Just tweet me.

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