The Voice: Deciding the number one football code in Australia
The Voice decides the code wars on The Roar (Image courtesy: Channel Nine)
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Can you imagine if the dynamics of the latest TV sensation, The Voice, were applied to choosing the number one football code in Australia?
OK, I may have to take a step back and explain the concept of The Voice a little, because while The Voice’s ratings have been phenomenal, it potentially attracts a slightly different demographic to that of The Roar.
Mind you, I freely admit that I watch the show, and I’m certain many other Roarers do as well, but are simply too embarrassed to acknowledge it.
I won’t mention any names though. Brett McKay.
I won’t go into the details and mechanics of the show, like the blind auditions and battle rounds. Quite simply, The Voice is essentially a singing talent show. And as with every singing contest, there are judges.
On Australia’s version of the show, the four judges are:
Seal, the smooth Englishman. While a talented singer, by far his most impressive feat was marrying supermodel Heidi Klum.
The heavily tattooed Joel Madden. Along with his twin brother Benji, Joel forms pop/punk band Good Charlotte.
Like Seal, the boy’s greatest accomplishments have come outside of music, with the twins dating, between them, Hilary Duff, Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton and Sophie Monk.
Mr Nicole Kidman. Sorry, Keith Urban. A country singing superstar, Urban is down-to-earth and seems like a guy you’d want to have a beer with him. Problem is, he doesn’t drink anymore. He’s a recovering alcoholic.
Lastly, Australian songstress Delta Goodrem is the token female judge. Delta is incredibly hot. Yet mysteriously, she’s also incredibly unsexy. Go figure.
She’s beautiful, but princess beautiful. If that makes sense.
With that weak excuse for a background out of the way, let’s get to the fun part: imagining that our judges were required to choose between the four football codes in Australia, whom each have 30 seconds to impress the judges.
The Chardonnay set present their case first, selling the game they play in heaven. The rahs-rahs focus on the science of scrimmaging, line-outs, ruck and mauls, and all the dirty work the piggies do, before communicating the aesthetic joy of running rugby, as the backs put the ball through the hands.
Keith: You’ve just got a wonderful spirit. I really believe in you.
Joel: Zzzzz Zzzzz. Wake me up when you’ve finished kicking penalties.
Delta: I like rugby, but I just don’t understand some of the calls the referee makes.
Seal: No one does.
Keith: The game is complex and intelligent. We’re not going to dumb it down to accommodate the lowest denominator.
Seal: If the objective is to score more points than the opposition, why do teams kick the ball away so often?
Keith: You’ve obviously been watching the Waratahs.
Seal: No, I was kissed by a rose though.
Joel: Geez. I know you’re old, but dad jokes? Really?
Delta: I’m beautiful.
Keith: Rugby, when played right, is the best game in the world. It’s a joy to watch. And not many people know this, but I’m actually a Kiwi. So I have to go with rugby.
Australia’s game is next cab off the rank, pitching itself as the perfect blend of all the other codes. Speed, strength and skill, all while utilising both the hands and the feet. They also make a big deal, rightfully so, of their impressive crowd figures.
Delta: I love AFL!
Joel: I’m sorry man. I find it ugly. And I don’t think it takes talent.
Delta: Ugly? No talent? Please, I’d know. I dated Brian McFadden.
Seal: I went to a game of AFL last week. I found the fans very rude. They kept on screaming ‘BALD!’ at me.
Delta: Seal, they were actually … oh never mind.
Seal: It just seemed to me that the winners were lucky, rather than good.
Joel: Well, you’d know about luck. How else do you explain Heidi Klum?
Seal: My dear boy, my resume would make you faint.
Delta: Can we get back to Aussie Rules please? AFL is great. The athletes are easily the most impressive in the AFL. I definitely choose Aussie Rules.
Keith: Anything to do with the fact that you used to shag Jude Bolton?
Delta: Shut up. I’m beautiful.
The mungos kick-off next, extolling the virtues of the greatest game of all. They highlight the speed, simplicity and brutal collisions of their game. They argue that it’s the perfect mix of skill, quickness and a touch of violence. Crash, bash and flash.
Joel: God, I love league. You guys are crazy.
Seal: Crazy. Good song, huh?
Keith: It’s not about you, bud.
Seal: I just find rugby league boring. It’s just five hit-ups and kick.
Joel: That’s more hits than you’ve had.
Delta: Well, I have a hard time selecting a game whose greatest player, Joey Johns, is an admitted drug taker.
Keith: Well, considering I’m coming out of rehab, I can’t comment.
Seal: You just did.
Joel: Yo hey Delta. Girl, there’s a saying, “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw boulders”. Isn’t Auzzzzie Rulezzz greatest player some dude called Wayne Carey? Took drugs, slept with his best mate’s wife, and beat up his girlfriend?
Delta: Whatever. I’m beautiful.
Joel: Well man, I love rugby league. It’s tough, fast and enjoyable.
Keith: Kinda like sleeping with Lionel Ritchie’s daughter?
Seal: All night long?
Joel: You know it. Anyway man, my twin brother is called Benji, so I gotta go with Benji Marshall and choose league, man.
The beautiful game states its case last, with attention focused on the enormity of the World Cup, the amount of nations that actually play the game, and above all, the artistry and brilliance of its players.
Seal: You are very worldly. I can sense your maturity.
Keith: Seal, its Australia, so technically we’re talking A-League, not soccer.
Seal: It’s football.
Joel: Whatever dude. My issue is that the scores are so low. I like to score, know what I mean? (*winks to his left*)
Delta: I like bad boys. Not pretend hard-arses like you.
Joel: I was actually winking at Keith.
Keith: Yes, I’ll get Tom Cruise’s number for you, Joel.
Seal: Football is the beautiful game.
Delta: I’m beautiful too.
Seal: Football is the world game. I think football stays true to itself. Football stays in the moment. Football is like ballet on steroids. Football has a lovely rhythm to what it does. It performs. It captivates. It has a soul. It is perpetual motion. And that is why I choose … football.
Keith: What’s he talking about?
Joel: I don’t know.
And the winner is?
A four way tie.
Ryan is an ex-representative basketballer who shot too much, and a (very) medium pace bowler. He's been with The Roar as an expert since February 2011, has written for the Seven Network and NBA Down Under, and been a regular on ABC radio. Ryan tweets from @RyanOak.
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