Stung by a poll on the official NRL website which saw his Parramatta Eels overwhelmingly tipped to lose to perennial easybeats the Bye, Stephen Kearney has revealed exclusively how the Eels will triumph this weekend.
Kearney broke camp from an unspecified location to talk to The Roar, meeting us at a Kings Cross kebab house on the condition that the nearby whereabouts of his team not be disclosed.
“We’ve adopted a real siege mentality this week,” Kearney said as he chowed down on a falafel kebab with cheese, tabouli and the slightest hint of tahini. “After spending four hours in Canberra last weekend I really thought the boys needed to get out of the public eye to prepare for the big one, and we think we’re blending in perfectly here in … umm, where our camp is.
“There’s a real September finals football feeling in the air, except the bit where we’re actually playing a game.”
Kearney detailed the no-stone-left-unturned preparation that he has put an extended squad of 32 players through this week, with the training schedule including, but not limited to:
* Extensive video review sessions of the West Tigers and South Sydney Rabbitohs in action against the Bye last weekend.
* Daily motivational lectures from former Parramatta greats, including Paul Carige, Daniel Mortimer, and Paul Taylor’s head gear.
* Simulated game situations against the Eels’ feeder team the Wentworthville Magpies, with Wenty fielding only 10 players to help build Parra’s defensive confidence.
* Compulsory morning prayer.
Kearney is confident the Eels have the game plan to come out on top in this blockbuster clash despite missing usual game-breaker Jarryd Hayne on State Of Origin duty and Ben Roberts, who’s trialling for the New York Giants.
“And even if we do fall behind early – and that’s our regular game plan, just quietly – we’re going to dig deep,” Kearney added as he excused himself and headed back to the Empire Hotel to continue the Eels’ Origin-like build-up.
“The bye’s got five other games this weekend so we’re confident we can run over the top of them when they start to tire.”
Kearney however refused to be dragged in to the ongoing debate over former star recruit Justin Poore signing of a four year deal with the Bye starting from next season (and answered questions on Shane Shackleton with “Who?”), simply choosing to wish the former New South Wales Origin rep well.
“I think Justin will be a perfect fit for a non-actual entity club like the Bye,” Kearney gushed. “His ability to go about his work completely unnoticed by either fans or stats men is one of his strengths as a player.”
Agencies have suspended betting on the match, with one source claiming “the amount of money coming out of India for a nil-all draw was so unprecedented that we suspected the fix was on”.
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