The powers that be have tasked me with the job of improving Parra’s flagging fan-base, and without resorting to public flogging, stoning, hanging or hotsaucing.
Being a card-carrying member of the blue and gold army, I came up with five tips to boost the base.
1. Give ‘em Parramattitude
In 2001 the Eels marketing brains trust came up with the ‘Parramattitude’ concept, arguably the second best branding exercise in league history. It was (and still is) streets ahead of ‘Simply the Best’ and a pubic hair behind “Blow that whistle ref’. I know the team was riding high then and it didn’t take much to get fans excited. Regardless it was great to hear those Parramattitude ads on the radio.
“Hi. I’m Luke Burt, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude under the high ball Friday night”
“Give ‘em Parramattitude!”
Simply inspirational. Just thinking about it gets me pumped up, like the scene in 300 when Leonidas kicks the Persian messenger down the open shaft, screaming ‘This is Sparta!’. Makes you feel invincible.
This year we can change up the ads to better reflect team performance and personnel.
“Hi. I’m Chris Sandow, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude at the pie shop after the game”
“Hi. I’m Jarryd Hayne, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude when I kick the ball dead in goal for the eighth time in a row”
“Hi. I’m Justin Poore, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude when I go in for my next scan”
“Hi. I’m Ben Roberts, and I’ll give ‘em Parramattitude when I misread a set play and knock on again, and again, and again, and again”
“Give ‘em Parramattitude!”
2. Jamie Lyon effigy
At the turn of the century the Eels had their future pinned to a core group of young talented juniors, none more explosive than Jamie Lyon. In 2004 Jamie had other ideas, turning his back and sizeable gut on his contract, club, coach, teammates, fans, God and all that’s good in this world.
For the next home game against the Manly, I suggest distributing effigies of Jamie Lyon. Or better still ask the fans to make their own. There’s nothing better than creating an effigy to get the creative juices flowing. And the whole family can get involved.
We can collectively burn them prior to kick off. A communal burning has a cleansing effect, bringing fans closer together. For Occupational Health and Safety purposes, we have to scale the size of the effigies down, especially around the mid-section and arse.
We don’t want that fire to burn out of control.
3. Quidditch
If you’re familiar with the Harry Potter franchise you’ll know about the fictional sport of Quidditch. Basically, Harry and his cohort of wizard friends fly around on broomsticks, whacking the crap out of each other with balls and sticks – which sounds remarkably similar to a late night Eastern European movie on SBS last night. Only without the wizards and the broomsticks. Just the whacking, balls and sticks. Oh, and a milkmaid, and a y…I’m getting distracted again.
I digress. I propose we play a Quidditch hybrid at halftime. After the first 40 minutes of (inevitably) pathetic play, let’s have a handful of excitable fans armed with broomsticks beating the players as they walk back to the dressing room. Great spectacle, the kids will love it, and it just might motivate the players for the second half!
4. Paul Carige fan appreciation day
I know it’s depressing right now. But all hope is not lost. When times are hard it’s good to take a trip down memory lane, a reminder that we’ve overcome darkness before.
So how about a Paul Carige highlight package on the big screen? We can get really interactive and ask fans to submit their favourite Carige brain farts, blunders and stuff-ups. The list is long and distinguished. It might make the blood boil at first, but it also shows we can move forward, that we can overcome tough times, and that good can triumph over evil.
If you’re not familiar with Carige’s finest work, enjoy:
5. Exercising our right to protest
In 2010, irate football fans in Switzerland, incensed that the kick-off time for a local game was moved to accommodate a tennis match, threw thousands of tennis balls onto the field in protest:
The game had to be halted to clear the field. Taking inspiration from the Swiss, let’s coordinate a similar protest for the next home game. Tennis balls won’t work though. We have to find something more symbolic of the local area, more quintessentially Parra. Kebabs? Car extractors? 9mm Uzis?
And hey, if none of that works, we can always try flogging, stoning, hanging, hotsaucing and/or crucifixion.
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