Euro 2012 Polkraine preview: Group A and B
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Euro 2012 Polkraine is getting closer. In the second part of this preview, let’s take a look at the teams in groups A and B.
Group A
If Karl Marx analysed this group he’d start with ‘A spectre is haunting Europe…the spectre of a nil-all draw’.
Of all the teams in Polkraine, the four that scored the least number of goals in the qualifying rounds are in this group. I can see a snore draw coming on!
Czech Republic: For the past 15-20 years the Czechs have lit up the stage with some fantastic attacking football, led by the likes of Nedved, Berger, Poborsky, Novak, Baros and Kohler.
Now their best player is a goalkeeper, who wears a helmet now having been kicked in the head too many times. I expect dark times for team Czech.
Greece: The team that lifts the trophy stands to pocket 23.5 million Euro. Talk about an austerity package.
Do you know what that would mean for the Greek economy?
Imagine if you will that a limited gathering of Greek footballers have the potential to singlehandedly revive their local economy, push Europe back from the brink of collapse and in turn save the world from another global financial meltdown.
No pressure lads.
Poland: They put the Pol in Polkraine and really lucked out with the easiest group available.
Not since the days of Zbigniew Kazimierz Boniek of Zawisza Bydgoszcz have the Poles been this excited about football.
If this was Wheel of Fortune, “can I buy a vowel please?” would be completely redundant.
Russia: Or is it Zenit St CSKA? They’re looking to better their Euro 2008 performance, when they free-wheeled their way to the semi finals on the back of the inspirational Arshavin.
Featuring the same core as in 08, they’re now a little older and wiser with four extra years of vodka hammering the liver. Tough trade off.
My tip: Poland and Russia to proceed after Greece bore us to death by becoming the first team ever to try playing 13 men behind the ball
Group B
Take a world powerhouse, mix in some total football, stir through the best player in Europe and add a dash of wanker.
What do you get? A group of death.
Denmark: The Danes have picked four recognized defenders in their 23 man squad! Simply amazing. I had to triple check to make sure it was correct.
Last time Denmark had a Schmeichel in goal they won the tournament. A sign?
Of course last time they won they didn’t even qualify. Even more amazing.
Plus they’ve got the self-proclaimed best striker in the world Nicklas Bendtner up front, who is only the fourth biggest wanker in world football.
Keep reading for the top three.
Germany: Boeteng, Gundogan, Ozil, Khedira, Gomez, Podolski, Klose… if that selection of German names isn’t proof Hitler lost the war I don’t know what is!
German football has morphed from the rigid and disciplined days of Mattheus and Brehme to fast and free-flowing. And strangely enough, they’re a joy to watch.
Has anyone ever said that about Ze Germans? What hasn’t changed is their clichéd relentless pursuit of success.
The Netherlands: Amazing place. They are The Netherlands. They are Holland. They are Dutch.
Their capital is Amsterdam. Their government sits in The Hague.
They are full of dikes. They are orange. They are very confused.
The confusion is transferred onto the field, where they struggle to accommodate Sneijder, Van der Vaart, Van Persie, Huntelaar and Robben to maximize all of their strengths.
Always a threat… ready to implode.
Portugal: When your footballing philosophy consists of defending stoutly and passing the ball to the only player capable of creating anything, you might just be British.
When that player is Cristiano Ronaldo and the rest of your team is mostly rubbish (yes Nani I’m looking at you) the tactics make perfect sense.
He might be the third biggest wanker in world football (we’ll get to the others in part 3), but he sure has got skills.
He is the most gifted player at the tournament, regardless of what Zlatan thinks.
My tip: Germany (my favourites to win the whole thing) will progress to round two with surprise package Denmark.
June 6th 2012 @ 1:50am
Johnno said | June 6th 2012 @ 1:50am | Report comment
Can’t waot fpr euros, i don’t think i have been this excited by a soccer tournament since world cup 2006 in Germany.
-Germany will win , in clincial fashion is the norm for all good German teams.
-Always finely tuned clinically and mechanically in true German fashion at the back, a storng agressive midfield and clinical mentally strong ruthless strikers. To be honest Germany have always been the masters of total football not Holland I have always thought , and results prove it.
-History has shown Germany’s only bogey team in world cups and euros have been Italy. Italy are masters of defence too evilly just as good as the Germans in defence.
It is so funny yet so embarrising when you compare Germany’s record with England in head to head in the big matches between each other, and general Euro and world cup records.
-You know who drives the Mercedez’ in the relationship the German’s lol.
And i fully suppprt euro 2016 going to 24 teams now i have changed my mind. It will be like eurovision, great to have more teams participating in the party and higher tv ratings, and more chance of great stories like Denmark 92, Greece 2004 wins.
June 6th 2012 @ 10:03am
Aleks Duric said | June 6th 2012 @ 10:03am | Report comment
You had me until you mentioned Eurovision, the bane of my existence, and one of only four things that prove the existence of Satan:
1. Eurovision
2. John Terry
3. Keeping up with the Kardashians
4. The Hoff
June 6th 2012 @ 3:46pm
Johnno said | June 6th 2012 @ 3:46pm | Report comment
Too funny Aleks lol, I agree Eurovision has some performers who show that satan exists. Some are a real worry maybe that’s why people watch it as it is so funny and hopeless at the same time and scary too.
June 6th 2012 @ 6:09pm
Brian said | June 6th 2012 @ 6:09pm | Report comment
Aren’t Spain a bogey team for Germany having beaten them in 2008 and 2010. The Germans struggle because the Spanish hold the ball for such long periods. For what its worth if they meet I think Spain wil beat Germany again but a France, Italy or Netherlands could account for Spain and probably lose to Germany who I favour against all teams bar Spain.
June 6th 2012 @ 6:45am
Steve said | June 6th 2012 @ 6:45am | Report comment
Good summary, although I reckon Iniesta is more gifted than Ronaldo.
June 6th 2012 @ 6:15pm
Brian said | June 6th 2012 @ 6:15pm | Report comment
Group A is thr group of Life and Boredom. There are 2 games a day so I think its nice of the organisers to organise 3 days of watching and a rest day (Group A) for us fans in Australia. Whoever gets out of this group will be boring defensive and very likely to lose in the QF.
Group B is the Group of Death Germany + 1 out of Netherlands or Portugal. I say that because pre-madonna or not the Portugese contain the tournaments best player by some distance. Throw in Nani, Pepe, Contreo, Meireles, Eduardo etc and they should be allright – even if their form suggests otherwise. The Danes will struggle.
For what its worth I’ll take a guess at biggest wankas 1&2. My guesses are Balotelli and Ibrahimovic.
June 6th 2012 @ 7:05pm
Aleks Duric said | June 6th 2012 @ 7:05pm | Report comment
You’re only half right Brian. I went with Ibra and John Terry. Super Mario gets an honorable mention, but he’s more a psycho lunatic than a wanker in my book…and I’m a United fan
June 6th 2012 @ 7:24pm
Purple Shag said | June 6th 2012 @ 7:24pm | Report comment
This is, beyond resonable doubt, the tournament of the w@nker. You have labelled 2 here (loved the roller skating comments by Bendnter also – in case you missed them here is an excerpt of the 5 minutes he talked about his ‘other’ favourite sport “I am very good at roller skating. When I have got into my head that I want to do something then I do it. I don’t walk around with doubt in my head.”) and Brian has pointed out 2 others that are difficult to argue with. Although I must say Zlatan can be very funny and often says these cocky things very tongue in cheek – he can actually be self depreciating at times – but he is still a tool.
There are many others floating around different teams and then the referees are always bound to fit the category retrospectively
You could just about do a toolbag 11 (sure, 2 left backs & very attack heavy but guaranteed to request bigger mirrors in the change rooms and be the most hateable team in history
W@NKER 11
Zlatan – Ballotelli – Bendtner
Cassano – M’Vila – Ronnie
Evra – Mexes – Terry – Cole
- Neuer
Bench: Carroll, Hart, Hunt, Nasri, Robbie Keane, Nani
Top piece BTW – Loved the Dutch/Hollande/Hague confusion bit.
June 6th 2012 @ 8:22pm
Aleks Duric said | June 6th 2012 @ 8:22pm | Report comment
Now THAT is a quality team…we just need special dispensation from UEFA to draft in Joey Barton to captain the side.
I’ve got my take on Zlatan coming in Part III of the preview, but as a spoiler alert let’s just say he gets favorably compared with a late 80′s/early 90′s action star, famous for his long pony tail, who is the king of tools.
Love the Bendtner line ‘i don’t walk around with doubt in my head’. Classic. Reminds me a recent interview with an Aussie Olympian who said “I never dreamed of becoming an Olympic athlete. It really is a dream come true”
June 6th 2012 @ 8:30pm
Purple Shag said | June 6th 2012 @ 8:30pm | Report comment
In a group as tough as they have, there is little doubt the Swedes will be under siege.
June 6th 2012 @ 9:16pm
k77sujith said | June 6th 2012 @ 9:16pm | Report comment
Hi Aleks…a great write-up. I agree with you…Poland and Russia from Group A, but maybe Germany and the Netherlands from Group B? Thanks.
June 6th 2012 @ 10:01pm
The Cattery said | June 6th 2012 @ 10:01pm | Report comment
The German team is looking unbelievable, agree with the author that they are the ones to beat – but they have to get out of that group first!!
June 7th 2012 @ 10:59am
asanchez said | June 7th 2012 @ 10:59am | Report comment
Group B is definetely the group to watch. Even the Danes are capable of springing an upset and getting through.
Germany is one of the heavy favourites for the tournament along with Spain, and will have no problem getting through this group.
The second spot will come down to Portugal and the Netherlands. They play each other in the last game of the group stage.
Surprisingly the Dutch don’t have a good record against Portugal, having been knocked out by them at both Euro 2004 and at the WC in 06. Although they’ve improved greatly since then.
Portugal on the other hand could be anything. Recent results would suggest they won’t get out of the group, but if they start well against Germany, they have the players to go far into the tournament.
Also, whoever gets out of this group will fancy their chances, given they will play the teams from Group A in the Quarter Finals.
Can’t wait for this start…
June 7th 2012 @ 11:17am
Fussball ist unser leben said | June 7th 2012 @ 11:17am | Report comment
Group A:
Russia & Poland to produce sizzling football. The Russians – albeit under Hiddink – were absolutely sensational at Euro2008 & but, after knocking out NED, they seemed to choke against ESP in the SF.
Greece: after their results in Euro2004, I’ll never write of GRE
CZE: Should have made the final in 2004, but were thwarted by GRE. But, can always rely on CZE to provide the best-looking female fans
RUS & POL to advance
Group B:
DEN: to win tattslotto b/c after being drawn in this Group, the DEN NT deserves some luck!
GER, NED & POR: all super teams.
But, there are rumblings of discontent within the GER squad leading up to the tournament, which is odd since POR & NED usually have the in-squad squabbles.
And, I’m really concerned about the GER defence, which is basically the Bayern Munich defence that was torn apart in DFB Pokal by the quick-passing, mobile BVB midfield/attack
I’m tipping this will be Christiano’s tournament.
I’m going to tip a major upset and say …
NED & POR to advance
Regardless, I’m all organised for a brilliant 3 weeks of football. Throw in WCQs & we have a feast of football – starting tomorrow:
20:30 JPN v JOR
23:00 OMA v AUS
02:00 POL v GRE
04:45 RUS v CZE
This is living!
June 8th 2012 @ 11:34am
Fussball ist unser leben said | June 8th 2012 @ 11:34am | Report comment
Terrific article from BBC News, which raises a very grave & serious issue – that seems to have been ignored by other media outlets – on the eve of Euro2012 ..
Should we be referring to one of the host nations as “the Ukraine” (as in the UK’s Daily Mirror), or simply “Ukraine” (as in in the Times of India)?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18233844