Raiders to forfeit NRL season to improve Twitter performance
Reports are emerging from the Canberra Raiders’ hastily-arranged Central Coast camp that the club is set to announce their withdrawal from the 2012 NRL Premiership, effective almost immediately.
The reason behind the decision is so that players can focus their attention on improving their rapidly developing Twitter profiles.
In a dramatic series of events, a source close to the brother of a fan’s wife who was once re-tweeted by a Toyota Cup squad member has told The Roar that:
- Selected players will take the field for the team’s final match of the 2012 season against Newcastle this weekend with smartphones to join the #nrlnewcan conversation.
- Coach David Furner wants the team to focus on “the little things” – hashtagging, URL-shortening and perfecting the delicate art of sharing images through yfrog.
- Joel Monaghan undertook a mercy-dash back from his adopted Warrington-base to school the first-grade squad on the art of going viral.
- Josh Dugan is live tweeting every detail of the entire Central Coast camp under the Twitter handle @RealFakeDoogsBrah
The Roar understands that excitement among the playing group is palpable.
Our source has revealed that having to fit Twitter commitments around mundane tasks – such as ball-skills training, defensive drills, travelling to and from games and being expected to put in 80 minute performances – was having an impact on team morale.
“You just can’t imagine the pressure the boys felt when they’d receive an email notification of a reply to a Tweet during the pre-match warm-up,” the source, known only as @MattOrfordForever, told The Roar.
“How are they supposed to concoct a witty typo-riddled reply when 9000 fans are sitting out in a rain-lashed Canberra Stadium freezing their nuts off and expecting them to play football? It’s just not their go.”
Though not all of the playing group are Twitter experts as yet, @MattOrfordForever says the coaching department are implementing the same principles of cooperation that have seen the team surge to the halfway mark of the 2012 season with an impressive 4-8 record.
“@Josh_Dugan and @fergyferg2 have really stepped up to leadership roles this week by setting up Twitter accounts for the entire squad,” he explained.
“The guys who can’t type have had their computers fitted with voice-to-text recognition software, while the boys who can’t even string a sentence together have been shown how to re-tweet – apparently their confidence both on and off the Twitterverse is just skyrocketing.”
“In years to come the people of Canberra will be talking about the events of this week in the same hushed tones as Steve Jackson’s dash to the tryline in the 1989 grand final, no doubt.”
While it’s unclear whether the Raiders will seek readmission to the NRL Premiership for the 2013 season, it’s understood that David Furner has been assured by the board that his coaching position is safe as he begins preparations for the celebration of his Diamond Jubilee in 2069.
*This piece shouldn’t be considered to have any resemblance to reality
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