The Daily Maggot presents The Week In AFL
To steal a line from a reserved, unassuming and in no way blatantly conflicted club president and media identity, it’s been a big week in satirical AFL Football.
Conveniently, as always, the world of satirical AFL football was dominated by a few somewhat predictable key issues: the Carlton Football Club and its supporters’ fascination with getting fundamentally ahead of themselves; North Melbourne’s off-field incompetence; and two media-shy Collingwood personalities – David Cloke and Harry O’Brien.
Late last week, the Carlton Football Club took the extraordinary step of lobbying the AFL to move the grand final from its traditional spot on the last Saturday in September to mid-to-late April.
The Blues, who were premiership favourites in April before opposition sides worked out their overly simplistic unaccountable brand of football, believe the move will give them the best opportunity to win their 17th premiership.
“There are a number of benefits for us in having the grand final played in April,” Brett Ratten declared as he ducked an unnecessary Eddie McGuire slur on his coaching ability.
“Our severe lack of depth won’t be exposed, our supporters’ unwarranted arrogance will be at its peak and, traditionally, our salary cap rorting hasn’t started until the winter months.”
Also last week North Melbourne CEO Anthony Rocca, best remembered for playing 242 games for Sydney and Collingwood, resigned following an alleged falling-out with grossly under-qualified Kangaroos President James Brayshaw.
Following the announcement of Rocca’s imminent departure, Brayshaw took to the airwaves to defend wide-spread accusations that even the scandals that engulf his club are agonisingly boring and uninteresting.
“With the exception of Drew Petrie, David Swallow and Lindsay Tanner, it’s well documented that our playing list is forgettable” Brayshaw said. “But it’s slanderous to insinuate our scandals are dull. I mean Carey slipped Stevo’s wife a few, and Majak Daw towned Daniel Pratt’s ex, that’s some compelling sh*t.”
The conflict between Brayshaw’s role as a club president and media performer was again put in the spotlight when he refused to front the club’s press conference announcing Rocca’s resignation, instead choosing to form part of the media pack covering the event.
News then broke that clubs pursuing out-of-contract Collingwood star Travis Cloke are insisting any contract with the power forward be subject to a requirement that his father and manager, David Cloke, stipulate that at all times he “not to come within 100 feet of the club”.
The clause is almost the reverse of a term in Tom Scully’s Greater Western Sydney contract which requires that his father Phil be appointed as the club’s recruiting manager. In return for “recruiting services” rendered, Phil Scully is entitled to an annual wage of $100,000 and a weekly supply of the saturated fat of his choice.
When contacted by The Daily Maggot, David Cloke defended his heavy involvement in his son’s contract negotiations.
“People say I live vicariously through my sons. But that’s utterly untrue. I stopped living vicariously through Jason and Cameron the moment they were delisted… umm… for the third time.”
The announcement followed news that the AFL is considering tightening eligibility criteria for its player agents. One proposal is to require prospective managers to show they are of “good character”, while a significantly more popular proposal is to “never, ever, under any circumstances, allow David Cloke to be a player manager again”.
Finally, following Collingwood’s emphatic victory over Melbourne at the MCG on Monday, out-of-form Magpie defender Harry O’Brien declared he values team success over personal recognition, before bursting into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.
O’Brien, criticised this season for his lack of run and held to a meagre 10 possessions during the Queen’s Birthday clash, was unperturbed as media outlets chose to conduct post-match interviews with some of his less well-known team mates.
“You play football to be part of a team – and the team is performing well,” O’Brien shouted as he did cartwheels to gain the attention of a media representative conducting an interview with Steele Sidebottom.
“I couldn’t care less if people didn’t even know who I was,” he continued while swallowing fire and riding a unicycle on a tight rope suspended 10 metres above the club’s change rooms.
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