Fifty Shades of Blue: an erotic Origin novel

 
Dave Edwards Roar Pro

By , 13 Jul 2012 Dave Edwards is a Roar Pro

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    Jump onto a bus or train these days and you’re bound to see at least five or six women reading E.L. James’ erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey.

    Despite possessing less writing talent than a 12-year-old who’s stumbled upon mum’s Mills and Boon collection from the early 1990s, James has triggered a new generation of saucy soccer mums – 20 million of them, and counting – while the erotic novel has been credited for a spike in the number of women signing up to so called “discreet affair” websites.

    There are even predictions the literary masterpiece is set to trigger a baby boom, with ‘Christian’ set to take over from ‘Jack’ and ‘William’ as the most popular name in first world countries.

    But while women (are believed to) prefer their erotica to build up gently and steadily, in a teasing, seductive manner, before reaching a thunderous climax – men are different. It is generally accepted than males are, by nature, the more visual creatures.

    Indeed, some have suggested that Bill Gates’ sole purpose – as he geeked it up in his garage with that other guy on his way to founding Microsoft – was to make web-girls easily accessible to millions of sexually frustrated nerds. While Gates is generally considered one of the greatest entrepreneurs of the personal computer generation, his pivotal role in making this content free and available to the masses is sadly overlooked.

    But despite these generalisations, it is worth noting that men have had various forms of literary erotica at their disposal since the dawn of time. Many of the hieroglyphics uncovered on the ancient pyramids of Egypt are in fact vastly filthier than a Mark Gasnier voicemail, according to archaeologists. So with that in mind, could there be a market for a similar erotic novel that’s targeted towards men?

    Well that’s exactly what one independent publisher is betting on, having commissioned an audio book loosely based on Fifty Shades of Grey – and narrated by rugby league commentary doyen Ray Warren.

    The book is designed for New South Wales fans who have suffered for seven long years in their desire for Origin glory. The Roar has been provided with an advance copy of Fifty Shades of Blue and can reveal a number of excerpts from the audio book ahead of its general release later this month:

    * * * * *

    “I can hear his voice, the smooth tones, I don’t care what he is saying, the tones are almost hypnotic. I get comfortable and settle in for the excitement that I know is coming. Brett Stewart, Glenn Stewart, Josh Morris, Brett Morris… I feel the excitement building. Having brothers always makes things more exhilarating, I’m quivering, I think I need a drink to calm the nerves; I don’t want to get too excited too soon. Jarryd Hayne, Todd Carney, Mitchell Pierce, Greg Bird…”

    * * * * *

    “Big, bustling and strong. Tony Williams teeters on the edges, probing, looking to penetrate at any moment. Gripping the Steeden in one hand, there’s something primal in his eyes. I can’t look away. No matter how hard he hits I want it harder. Butterflies flood my belly as well as a darker, carnal, captivating ache as I try to imagine what he will do when he is close to the opposition try line…”

    * * * * *

    “He moves breathlessly, and I unravel at his ball skills, almost exploding as I feel things come to a climax. I call out his name and he hits it, thrusting hard, then stopping as he stops to admire his work. I am still panting, trying to slow my breathing, my thumping heart, and my thoughts are in riotous disarray.

    “Here it comes, nearly, it’s getting there, and it’s over, Pierce has slotted it between the uprights and NSW have won the series in game three, the simultaneous joy and relief is instant, a seven-year tantric build-up of desire ending in an eruption of euphoria. Oh my God, I didn’t think it would feel like this… didn’t know it could feel this good, there’s only one sensation, satisfaction…”

    * * * * *

    Fifty Shades of Blue can be found in the fantasy section at all good book stores later this month. Targeted directly at long-suffering NSW supporters, it will hopefully fullfil those unrequited Origin desires before bedtime.

    By Luke Meredith from ‘The Public Apology’

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