Chris Judd’s dislocating tale: the lie behind the truth

 
Andrew Sutherland Columnist

By , 19 Jul 2012 Andrew Sutherland is a Roar Expert

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    James Kelly of Geelong tackles Chris Judd of Carlton during the AFL Round 09 match between the Carlton Blues and the Geelong Cats at Etihad Stadium, Melbourne. Slattery Images

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    The following is a not necessarily verified transcript* from our secret man inside the tribunal during the Chris Judd case.

    Tribunal prosecutor Jeff Gleeson SC: Yes, The Chris Judd problem. Tonight we look at why an intelligent, well groomed, vastly talented and highly decorated footballer would want to dislocate the arm of a helpless opponent…

    Defence counsel Simon Wilson QC: Objection!

    Tribunal chairman David Jones: Overruled!

    Gleeson: Mr Judd, what was your intent toward Mr Adams?

    Chris Judd: Well it’s not a question of wanting to be malicious… it just sort of happens, and then you are.

    Gleeson: And when did you first notice this… shall we say… tendency?

    Judd: Well, I was about seventeen and some mates and I were having a kick after training, and, we had quite a lot of Powerade to drink… and then some of the fellows there just started applying strangleholds, pushing pressure points, eye gouging, you know, rough-house boys-will-be-boys sort of stuff, and just out of curiosity I tried it a bit, and that was that.

    Gleeson: And what else did these fellows do?

    Judd: Well, then some of them started elbowing players in the head during games, just for a laugh.

    Gleeson: Right. And was that all?

    Judd: That was all.

    Gleeson: And what was your reaction to this?

    Judd: Well at first I was shocked. I thought, surely if you’re going to do something like this, you do it behind the play, not in front of the umpires. But, gradually I came to feel more at ease with that sort of thing. It’s important to remember that football is an instinctive game. You have a thought and that thought is followed by an action.

    Gleeson: And what was your thought on Friday night?

    Judd: To dislocate Leigh Adams’ shoulder.

    Gleeson: The prosecution rests its case.

    Defence counsel Simon Wilson QC: I have with me a consultant psychiatrist. Doctor, you’ve seen the footage. Now, do you really believe Mr Judd intended to injure Mr Adams? Surely he was performing a legitimate exercise, in an unfortunately clumsy manner.

    Psychiatrist: Mmm, that is possible Mr Wilson, although I noticed Marc Murphy and Bryce Gibbs weren’t eager to come to Juddie’s assistance when the North players set upon him. So that’s not a good sign.

    Wilson: That’ll be all doctor!

    Psychiatrist: No no, I think we should get it out in the open. We psychiatrists have found that a large percentage of players are frankly quite malicious buggers. Just take a look at the ferals who have tagged Judd over the years. There’s something of the sniper in us all, including supporters. I have three here with me now who wish to give their views on what to do with Judd.

    Supporter one: Well I mean, he can’t help it, can he? But, er, there’s nothing you can do about it. So er, I’d kill him.

    Supporter two: No, don’t kill him. I’d split his nostrils open with a boat hook, I think.

    Supporter three: Oh, well I’m a chartered accountant, and consequently too boring to be of interest.

    Psychiatrist: I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another, in a fit of high spirits, he hasn’t innocently eye-gouged or performed a compression lock on someone for no particular reason. I know I have.

    Wilson: That’s enough, doctor!

    Psychiatrist: It’s like murder – make a thing illegal and it acquires a mystique. A certain attraction. Chris Judd sees Adams lying helplessly on the ground, with an arm in the air and what, he does nothing? Look at arson….

    Wilson: Doctor!

    Psychiatrist: I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another, with the temptation in front of him, he hasn’t ever so slightly set fire to some great public building?

    Jones: I think we’ve heard enough, gentlemen. Now, somebody find a boat hook.

    *This exchange bears little to no similarity to the actual judiciary proceedings…we hope.

    With thanks to Monty Python.

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