How to make the London Olympics even better
So here we are, five days after The Queen parachuted into the Olympic Stadium and a bunch of kids we’ll all apparently know a lot better in ten years lit The Flame.
At the moment, the score that matters is 1-0, Australia’s lead over Team GB in gold medals. Aussies should thank the German equestrian team for denying Princess Zara and the Brits from taking home the favoured colour, the one Emily Seebohm was so distressed at missing out on.
Personally, these Olympics have opened my eyes to the thrills and spills of a few hitherto unchartered sporting waters.
Handball absolutely rocks and is so different to the stuff I played in the school quadrangle with a tennis ball and your own square.
Team archery was pretty exciting, with the Italian team winning with a bullseye on the final arrow.
But what else could happen to make the Games especially memorable?
Pretty obvious, really. Eddie McGuire should stick to game shows or get used to late night infomercials. Please keep him as far away from the coverage as humanly possible.
For those of you without Foxtel, there’s a whole world of stuff going on out there that doesn’t necessarily include Australians doing wonderfully to finish in the top 20.
Apart from the aforementioned handball, there’s been fencing, water polo, equestrian cross country and even a little bit of Football.
Rather than a short-attention-span-syndrome thirty-second grab, you actually get to see the whole thing.
Given the way things are going for our athletes at the moment, there isn’t the inevitable disappointment of watching an Australian come up short if there isn’t an Australian competing in the first place.
Because the phrase “Casey Dellacqua, Olympian” just sounds wrong.
No, that’s not an advertisement by the major sponsor. But what if, rather than the dressage section of equestrian (you can’t have “sport” played in top hats), you combined it with the Archery… except the riders had to shoot at targets while galloping on horseback?
Apologies to all the dressage fans. There are probably other combos just crying out for the imagination of Roarers and I’m sure we could come up with something that combined rifles and wrestling or bikes and javelins.
Is it really necessary to stick a microphone and an inane question into the faces of swimmers while they are still dripping wet and breathing like they’ve just watched that scene in The Shining?
Emotions are high, resistance is low, a breakdown is just “one second off my PB” away.
Of course, there were tears at the fencing as well but nobody was trying to interview the lady who melted down emotionally. Probably because she had a sword in her hand.
An event unique to the host city
London has missed out on the opportunity of including orienteering the tube as a brand new Olympic demonstration sport.
Individuals or teams armed only with an Oyster Card have to get from Chesham to Tooting Broadway, or Cockfosters to West Ham, or even Fairlop to Elephant and Castle.
Quickest time wins, with time penalties for having to ask directions or not offering your seat to an elderly person.
The juvenile part of my brain would rejoice in an event where “Cockfosters” became part of the commentary.
More gold, gold, gold for Australia! (Trademark, Norman May, 1980)
If only to justify Nine’s parochial coverage and delay the inevitable grumblings from Olympics chiefs about “lack of funding”, while a nurse in a public hospital somewhere wonders when the money will come through for that new stethoscope.
Well, and also to beat Team GB.