A prostitute is better than your wife: 10 lessons these Olympics taught me
As we farewell the spectacle that has been the 2012 Olympics and begin to enter the withdrawal phase (what else will curb my 1am insomnia), it is now the time to reflect on what we have learnt from London’s greatest attraction.
1. Celebrity always sells
Yes, you can win Gold for your country, avoid talking yourself up via social networking sites and walk with your head held high knowing you have the respect of your country. Sadly though, it wont get you airtime or trending on Twitter.
Struggling to win Gold and attention? Then latch onto your nearest NBA player! Stephanie Rice and her recent sightings with (married) Kobe Bryant have been the topic of much discussion, and sadly the office water cooler chat has thrived on this “friendship” more than Sally Pearson’s Wonder Woman effort. Shame on us all.
2. Walk/Jog/Run: Bolt is the best
Or more to the point, Usain Bolt is the greatest Olympian to date. Becoming the only man ever to successfully defend both the 100- and 200-meter titles at an Olympics.
Not enough for Bolt, he also ran in a third Gold medal with a convincing win alongside his Jamaican teammates in the 400-meter relay dash breaking a world record.
An entertainer if ever we have seen one, Bolt brings the excitement and flare a once remarkable Muhammad Ali first had us witness.
3. Don’t speak too soon
If only James Magnussen had a time machine, or even better, a Gold Medal. But alas, this 21-year old is now known for is ego after having talked himself up months into the games only to misfire when the opportunity beckoned.
To be fair he is the 100-metre freestyle world champion, but talk is cheap when you can only come up with a bronze. On a brighter note, one of the top related search terms when googling Magnussen’s is: “Does James Magnussen have a girlfriend?”
Nice work Jimmy – just less talk and more action in Rio please.
4. Team USA is better than the 1992 Dream Team
Oh yes, she did. Sorry to disappoint, but we have to be fair and look at the facts.
In 1992 Larry Bird and Magic Johnson were on the way out. Johnson hadn’t played in that season of the NBA. Michael Jordan was emerging as top dog. But the 2012 version of Team USA are all fighting fit and not one is on the brink of retirement.
I’m not disrespecting Bird or Johnson at all, but the original Dream Team was a debuting team filled with the hopes and dreams of all Americans. Heck, even the rest of the world rooted for them!
Their Gold medal and domination will always be remembered in history. But todays team is simply electric, faster and more explosive. Don’t hate me for saying it, it’s too late. I just did.
5. A prostitue is better than your wife
For the sake of only £150, now disqualified 100 metre former world champ Kim Collins could have done the deed with a London call girl and still gotten back to the Olympic village without anyone noticing his absence.
Instead Collins took the gamble to spend the night with his wife in a nearby hotel costing him his place in the heats and what would have been his 5th time representing Saint Kitts and Nevis at the Olympics.
6. Don’t leave Kiwis in charge of the BBQ
As Kiwis fled the scene of their Olympic fan headquarters in London, the shouts of “Too much weights, not enough speed work” could be heard in the distance. Congregating to talk about all things Black and White, this BBQ soon turned into a fiery blaze when the barbecue gas cylinders exploded. London firefighters soon rushed to the scene to put the blaze out, and all was “Beached Az” in no time.
7. You don’t need a country to compete
The Olympics are never short on heartwarming tales full of characters that showcase strength and courage. Refugee Guor Marial is this games story.
Wearing neutral colours, he competed in the marathon representing the world as an invited runner under the IOC’s flag.
Born in Sudan, kidnapped and forced into slave labour eventually escaping and then learning English from Sesame Street, Marile’s now independent country South Sudan does not yet have an Olympic committee.
Marial sat and watched the opening ceremony on the TV as he did not have a passport, but eventually paperwork was rushed through and got the chance to live his dream.
8. We are only Aus Zealand when the Aussies are losing
Just like Australia latched on to New Zealand in the FIFA 2010 World Cup, the shifty Aussies did it again.
Back in 2010, newspapers coined the term “Australasia” when things were not going as planned for the Socceroos, and by crikey they have again gone with that same plan. Faking a friendship with the Kiwis, the Aussies merged the Trans Tasman medal tally and “Aus Zealand” was born.
Needless to say now Australia finished with more Gold, Aus Zealand is no where to be found in the headlines, disappearing as quickly as the Australian swimming teams’ credibility.
9. Glitter and sequins still in fashion
Gymnastic fashion that is. No you were not watching a repeat of Flashdance or Kylie’s ‘Locomotion’ video clip. Where every other sporting uniform has evolved through time, Gymnastics has stood still. Then there are the scrunchies. Like a cockroach surviving a nuclear explosion, the elastic hair tie best know for its 1980′s dominance just does not want to die. We wish it would.
10. Great Britain are sooks
This is a well-known fact, but this time I am being literal. It appears the people at The Wall Street Journal did some research and came to the conclusion that Team GB have led the way in the 2012 crying medals. The US winners only balled their eyes out 17% at this year’s Games, but Team GB came home strong with 37.5% of the athletes blubbering.
For the record China cried the least with only 7%. I have already made my own conclusion that Australia cried the most when awarded Silver.
- 2012 London Olympics