It has been very tough to be an Australian in London in recent weeks, with everyone from Chris Hoy to your next-door neighbour to Frank flaming Spencer walking about with a gold medal around their neck.
At the start of the games I was excited, happily looking forward to our forthcoming medal swag, but by the end of it all I was too scared to even leave the house, shunning every event to lay in bed and watch multiple re-runs of Hey Dad! instead.
Quite frankly, unless we pull our collective fingers out, it will be the Ronaldhinos and Beynonce-butts of Brazil laughing at us next.
To prevent such a tragedy, here are a few tips that can get Australia back to the top of the podium.
1. Restructure the Federal Budget
Bob Hawke once made the promise that by the year 1990 no Australian child would be living in poverty.
Likewise, Julia Gillard should be coming out and stating that by 2015 no Australian child should be without a pool, a trampoline, two ping-pong tables and access to a used pair of Usain Bolt’s undies.
It’s a big investment, but isn’t our nation’s future worth it?
2. Ride More Bikes
Bikes are all over the road in London. About half my office in London rides to work. Great Britain won seven cycling gold medals.
In Australia, bikes are only ridden by people over the age of 11 when they need to pick up milk and ciggies from the corner store, or if they are too drunk to operate real transport. We won one cycling gold medal.
Numbers don’t lie. Start pedalling, Australia.
3. Make Footy Players Take Up an Olympic Sport
The majority of sportsmen in Australia play games that involve overgrown degenerates trying to murder each other while spruiking live-betting websites.
And for three years and eleven months in a four year cycle that’s great.
Come Olympic time, though, it leaves us in a bit of a hole when it comes to sporting depth.
To counter this, playing an Olympic sport for one hour per week should be an essential part of every Australian footy team’s training routine, thus getting them ready for when the five-ringed circus rolls into town.
And who wouldn’t want to see George Rose or Brendan Fevola try their hand at rhythmic gymnastics?
4. Stop Stopping the Boats
In the London Olympics medal tally Australia only just managed to squeak ahead of sporting minnows such as Iran, Kazakhstan, and *gulp* New Zealand.
There are many theories as to why this happened, though a popular theory is that we need simply need more people willing to participate in the sports that most born and bred Australian won’t touch with a fifty metre drop-kick.
The good thing about this problem, though, is that it has an easy solution; just tell Tony Abbott to shut-up and let the boats come.
Australia needs better weightlifters? Express aussie citizenship for all Kazakhs and North Koreans! No-one can be arsed with European handball? Get those Norwegians on the boats, now!
Everyone too buggered from playing backyard cricket to bother with gymnastics? Helloooooooooo China!
A multicultural society really is a beautiful thing.
5. Make Sean Hampstead an Official in Every Event
Australian diver stuffs up his entry and ends in a massive belly-flop? 9.8! Dressage horse decides to brush the set routine and bites its rider then takes a dump on their shoe? Australia into the lead!
Kookaburras goalie spear-tackles the opposition’s captain and then belts him over the head with his own hockey stick? Gold gold gold!
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