Your invitation to rugby league’s wedding of the century!
Proud parents David Gygnell and the Honourable John Grant cordially invite you to help celebrate the long awaited marriage of Channel Nine and the Australian Rugby league.
After a lengthy courtship, the pair has finally decided to ‘make things official’, and tie the knot in a lavish and expensive celebration in what is sure to be the social event of the century.
For a long time now these two love birds have only had eyes for each other, and despite the occasional tiff about taking one another for granted, showing up late or not making themselves available enough, it is clear for all to see that these two belong together.
As for the big bash itself, no expense is to be spared.
Guests will be treated to a sumptuous three course banquet, the best in the world.
We apologise in advance though that two of these courses are likely to be delayed somewhat, and quite possibly peppered with the odd interruption, but this is unfortunately unavoidable.
However, if you do have a larger appetite and would like to upgrade to the fully comprehensive and distraction free meal package, this can be arranged. For a cost of course.
Presiding over the reception as Master of Ceremonies for the evening will be the bride’s dear old Grandpa Ray, who has just recently returned from a Trafalgar tour of London.
He had better watch his back though, as no doubt ‘double trouble’ larrikin cousins Joey and Freddy are sure to ‘steal his thunder’ at some stage. Turn it up boys!
Regrettably for scheduling reasons Uncle Andrew will not be giving a speech on the night, but can be found up the back on the kids table telling knock knock jokes if anyone wants to talk business.
Furthermore, guests will be treated to round after round of top shelf entertainment in honour of the joyous union.
So many rounds in fact that the entertainers are going to likely to struggle to get through to the business end of the night showing any resemblance of their early form, but hey, that’s why they’re getting paid the big bucks isn’t it!
It’s not all serious stuff though, and a few laughs are sure to be had…did anyone say retirees in drag? Maybe some karaoke numbers? Beau knows what to expect.
As for the actual ceremony itself formalities are scheduled to begin at 7:15pm, but expect the bride to be running a little late.
Please note this significantly later than traditional starting time, and has been specially requested by the father of the bride in order to give his beautiful daughter the attention she really deserves, which we all feel is more than reasonable seeing his significant financial outlay.
Lamentably we most also inform you that despite our best efforts, guest numbers have now been finalised, and the two families will be unable to extend invitations to distant well wishers living inter state or overseas.
Nothing personal, it’s just felt that their presence wouldn’t be able to add much to the day as a whole.
The betrothed greatly look forward to your support and presence on their special day, and the many happy years to follow.
If, however, you feel these two should not be married, please speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Follow Chris on Twitter: @Vic_Arious
Chris Chard is a sports humour writer commenting on the often absurd nature of professional sport. A rugby league fan boy with a good blend of youth and experience taking things one week at a time, Chris has written for The Roar, Rugby League Player Magazine, US Sports Downunder, the QRL and People. Tweet him @Vic_Arious