How to solve the Roosters’ coaching dilemma
How will Braith Anasta fit in at the Tigers? (AAP Image/Action Photographics, Renee McKay)
There are some terribly difficult jobs in the NRL. Video Referee. Amenities cleaner at Leichardt Oval. All male interpretive dance troupe providing the half time entertainment at Parramatta home games.
All of these, however, pale in comparison to that of Sydney Eastern City Suburbs Roosters head coach.
With an easily distracted fan-base, a scatter-gun history of success and the cocky strut of a club used to getting what (who) it wants, the Roosters establishment craves success like a stadium security guard craves outside food sources.
On top of this, the bloke running the show at Bondi is a cashed up used car salesman, whose stock turnover rate has had him named ‘employee of the month’ for the last 36 years straight.
By having incumbent Brian ‘Bottles’ Smith towed off to the coaching scrap heap, Easts are now in search of something exciting to cart around their young family around in, however the Roosters have gone to the coaching auctions to find the yard almost deserted.
All that remains are a couple of new models with reliability yet unproven, some suspect-looking clunkers with far too much mileage up the back and a Pommy import that the auctioneer assures them, “Goes much better than Bluey!”
The rumour mill has spat out the name of Craig Bellamy as the main target. For mine, I can’t see him taking it though, as anyone who has witnessed Bellamy spontaneously combust despite the machine-like efficiency of the Storm would have concerns about the bloke’s ticker at the tri-colours. Just ask Opes.
Nor do I hold much hope for Jason Taylor. Jared Waerea-Hargraves has a bloody good right hook you know!
So maybe it’s time to get a bit creative. The Roosters have always been a bit different. They were the first club to have jersey sponsors. First club to have a cartoon chicken as their logo.
First club to publically embrace a celebrity, legitimate businessman club owner as a ticket holder.
So here it is.
Sonny Bill Williams as captain-coach.
Now hang on a sec, while this idea may sound like something that say, Sonny Bill Williams might have thought up, there may be some merit to it.
First of all there are all the delightful puns about ‘the Sonny rising in the East’.
Now that we’ve got that nonsense out of the way, let’s think about the logistics. What does your modern coach actually do?
Talks to the media lot? Sonny can do that.
Physical fitness training? The bloke would make Adonis keep his shirt on at the beach.
Makes sure players stay on the straight and narrow? He’s a non-drinker and anti-drugs ambassador.
Comes up with game plans and strategies? Please, the bloke has played for the All Blacks, who are the dominant force in a game that makes the Mars space mission look as complicated as pulling the poster out of your Rugby League Week magazine.
Keep sponsors happy? Like a boss he does.
It all makes solid business sense, something Uncle Nick will no doubt agree with me on.
And, perhaps best of all, Sonny has only signed on for 12 months, which, when you think about it (Murray, Stuart, Smith), appears to be the perfect timeframe for a Roosters head coaching position.
So here’s hoping the Roosters see the obvious answer to their woes and trust SBW to handle the two positions – the way other Roosters legends did back in the good old days.
Because hey, they’re certainly paying him bloody enough anyway.
Follow Chris on Twitter: @Vic_Arious
Chris Chard is a sports humour writer commenting on the often absurd nature of professional sport. A rugby league fan boy with a good blend of youth and experience taking things one week at a time, Chris has written for The Roar since 2011. Tweet him @Vic_Arious