Quade Cooper’s letter to Santa

Geoff Parkes Columnist

By , Geoff Parkes is a Roar Expert

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    Dear Santa,

    My name is Quade, you might of heard about me, I used to play for the Wallabies but now I just hang out a bit and do stuff.

    Anyway I just thought I’d write to you to see if you can help out with a few things, my man Khoder is usually the man who does that stuff for me, but your still the main man I reckon.

    I know you can do it Santa, ‘cos you did it for my best friend Sonny Bill, he gets all the good stuff, I know you got some there for me too Santa. Sonny Bill is so cool Santa, not cool like your at the North Pole sort of cool, but cool like he’s the man, that sort of cool.

    I hope I’m not confusing you Santa, like you’re really the man, but you know that Sonny Bill is the man, just like my man Khoder is the man, and my other brother, The Man, he’s really the man.

    But you need to pull your finger out Santa, last year you let me down, you know how I copped all that crap in New Zealand and I asked you to fix all that up, I didn’t mean by copping it in Australia instead.

    By the way thanks for that pie you sent me. Except I like “Steak and Onion”. This one had “Humble” on the wrapper. Don’t think I can eat that.

    I better tell you what I want, ok?

    A guy to fight. Not just any guy, he has to be over 50, asthmatic, from the Fukawi tribe. Or else, a Chartered Accountant with coke bottle glasses, with a broken arse.

    That shouldn’t be too hard Santa, you already done that for The Man plenty of times.

    A new punching bag to practice on. That bag you sent me last year, the one with Richie McCaw on it, it’s no good. I can’t get it to stay in position, it keeps coming over my side all the time.

    You better send Robbie some stuff too. He’s not really my mate, he’s not the man, but hey it’s Xmas, it’s time to be nice to people. Send him that new DVD compilation “Great Wallabies tries of 2012”. It only runs for 1 minute 35. He’s a busy guy, he can watch it then get on with enjoying a nice environment.

    Can you send my man Will G some magic “get well soon” dust? I’ll be straight with you Santa, all that sh*t about not playing for the Wallabies ‘cos it was a toxic environment and all that stuff? It’s really ‘cos I ain’t going anywhere near a rugby field if I have to play outside that Phipps dude.

    Actually send him a barn door while your at it.

    Don’t bother sending me a book again Santa, that one last year was sh*t. “How to win friends and influence people?” You should no me better than that by now.

    One more request Santa. You know how the ARU gave all my money to that Israel dude? Like what’s going on there? Those Jewish guys get all the favours.

    Anyhow, the best present you can get me is my contract with a signature on it. The Reds need me Santa. The Wallabies need me. Rugby needs me. Be the man Santa.

    Thanks Santa,


    Geoff Parkes
    Geoff Parkes

    Geoff is a Melbourne-based sports fanatic and writer who started contributing to The Roar in 2012 under the pen name Allanthus. His first book, A World in Union Conflict; The Global Battle For Rugby Supremacy is due for release in November. Meanwhile, his twin goals of achieving a single figure golf handicap and owning a fast racehorse remain tantalisingly out of reach.

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