The NRL computer says “NO”

Andrew Sutherland Roar Guru

By Andrew Sutherland, Andrew Sutherland is a Roar Guru

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    The Bulldogs host the Storm at their spiritual home ground, Belmore. (AAP Image/Dean Lewins)

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    The Roar have obtained the transcript of an exclusive scene, taking place at NRL headquarters in the office of the director of football operations, Nathan McGuirk.

    McGuirk is played by Little Britain’s David Walliams, and the two are discussing the 2013 NRL Draw.

    McGuirk (to his P.A.): Seen my new computer software?

    P.A.: Yes, I have

    McGuirk: It’s Canadian, you know

    P.A.: That’s nice

    McGuirk: They call it Optimal Planning and I used it to plan the draw

    P.A.: Aha

    McGuirk: Yeah, the NFL use it, so it must be good. It simplifies things by getting rid of logistical nightmares like clubs wanting equal treatment. Look I’ll show you (tapping away). I’m now asking the computer to submit a draw giving equal treatment to all clubs.

    There, the computer says ‘NO’

    P.A.: Mr McGuirk! All the NRL coaches are on the way up to complain about the draw. Security told them they couldn’t but they won’t take NO for an answer!

    McGuirk: Don’t worry, Optimal Planning and I can handle this

    (The coaches, led by Craig Bellamy, burst through the door)

    Bellamy: McGuirk, I want our draw changed this instant! Three games in 12 days after travelling to England and back for the World Club Challenge is ridiculous!

    McGuirk: I’ll see what I can do Craig (tapping on his keyboard). Ah, the computer says ‘NO’. Sorry, nothing to do with me.

    Des Hasler: Hey what’s this about us playing last year’s top five finishers in the first five rounds? Are you deliberately giving the stronger teams a difficult draw?

    McGuirk: With you in a moment Des (sound of keyboard tapping). Mmm, the computer says ‘NO’. Sorry Des, my hands are tied. And may I point out that the Tigers play their first three games in 12 days and they finished 10th last year.

    Michael Potter: Gee, thanks for that. Also why isn’t there a Sunday afternoon game at Leichhardt Oval? It’s a tradition.

    McGuirk: (tapping) Good question Mick. The computer asked me to explain ‘tradition’ so I’m now asking about Leichhardt. The computer says: ‘Where?’

    Anthony Griffin: Thanks Nathan for the eleven Friday night games. It gives us a lot of seven-day turnarounds, it’s good for the sponsors and provides plenty of¬† practice for the night finals.

    McGuirk: The computer says: ‘You’re welcome’.

    Griffin: But Jesus couldn’t you give us more than one day game. Our supporters with families hardly ever get to see us live.

    McGuirk: The computer says: ‘What’s a¬†supporter and what do you mean by seeing a game live?’

    Geoff Toovey: (punching the table) And what about our poor sponsors?! Seven bl**dy Monday night games. We’ve been shafted!

    McGuirk: The computer says: ‘No, but if the bald bloke with the red face and maroon tie threatens to put his fist through the screen tell him yes’.

    Trent Robinson: Why are we lumbered with four five-day turnarounds? Surely it’s bad for the health of my players

    McGuirk: The computer says: ‘NO’

    Bellamy: It’s got to be bad playing two days after State of Origin

    McGuirk: The computer says: ‘NO’.

    Robinson: Don’t you think having teams with a five-day break playing sides who have had a week or more off compromises the competition?

    McGuirk: The computer says: ‘NO’.

    Wayne Bennett: The NRL is not interested in the game, the supporters or the welfare of players. It’s all about money. You’re just Channel 9’s lap dog aren’t you?

    McGuirk: The computer says: ‘Yes… I mean No’

    Bennett: Nathan, do you have a brain of your own?

    McGuirk: The computer says: ‘No’.

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    The Crowd Says (14)

    • March 1st 2013 @ 4:47am
      iBoomshanka said | March 1st 2013 @ 4:47am | ! Report

      And then the anti virus software bleats: The computers security has been breached.

      IT Boffin then finds the Optimal Planning Software infected with Channel Nine bots maximising advertising revenue, shafting the sports fan, delaying test matches and avoiding any promotion of the game south and west of New South Wales.

    • March 1st 2013 @ 4:47am
      iBoomshanka said | March 1st 2013 @ 4:47am | ! Report

      And then the anti virus software bleats: The computers security has been breached.

      IT Boffin then finds the Optimal Planning Software infected with Channel Nine bots maximising advertising revenue, shafting the sports fan, delaying test matches and avoiding any promotion of the game south and west of New South Wales.

    • March 1st 2013 @ 8:34am
      Desert Qlder said | March 1st 2013 @ 8:34am | ! Report

      I wish my computer said no after I clicked on this article.

      • March 1st 2013 @ 8:57am
        Scott Minto said | March 1st 2013 @ 8:57am | ! Report

        +1

      • March 1st 2013 @ 10:07am
        Anna said | March 1st 2013 @ 10:07am | ! Report

        LOL

    • March 1st 2013 @ 9:25am
      oikee said | March 1st 2013 @ 9:25am | ! Report

      Tom-Tom’s relay messages faster than my computer. Every time i get a on-screen automatic pop-up video, the modem cuts out.
      I can tell you another funny story. The company who supplies me the service, threatened to cut off my service if i did not pay a huge bill for a month where i used up more than my month’s worth of useage.
      I said good, cut it off.
      They sent back and said we are waiving that payment and as you have been a loyal costomer, we are now providing the service at 20 dollars less a month. ?
      WTF. Roll on broad-band.

      • Roar Rookie

        March 1st 2013 @ 1:49pm
        Damn Straight said | March 1st 2013 @ 1:49pm | ! Report

        Oh Oikee, that is fantastic news. It would have been a tragedy of Greek proportions if you weren’t able to post your pearls of wisdom due to having no internet connection. :p

        • March 1st 2013 @ 2:19pm
          Mango Jack said | March 1st 2013 @ 2:19pm | ! Report

          LOL. In any case, he could have gone to the PC in Brisbane library that now has a dial-up modem.

          • March 1st 2013 @ 2:59pm
            oikee said | March 1st 2013 @ 2:59pm | ! Report

            Hehe, that is a upgrade, last time i was there, they had a guy on a pushbike peddling up power.

    • March 1st 2013 @ 9:39pm
      Jeff Cook said | March 1st 2013 @ 9:39pm | ! Report

      Thanks Andrew,
      I enjoyed the idea behind the article.
      Good to see there where so few coach`s having a public negative view of the 2013 draw . You`d have to assume the rest where
      happy with it. I`m fairly sure the Dragons coaching and marketing arms should rubbing their collective hands together.In the first 20rds
      we have all of our home games in an even distribution between Kog & Wol . Been a few years now.7 fta games 3 fri 3 sun 3 thu 1.
      5 sun home gms , 2 mon gms, byes rd 15/18 , play 2012 top 8 sides 11,travel time down to no more than an hour plane trip for away game. If managed well this draw could be a Dragons bonanza. We live in hope!

      • Roar Guru

        March 2nd 2013 @ 6:03pm
        Andrew Sutherland said | March 2nd 2013 @ 6:03pm | ! Report

        Cheers Jeff,

        You chaps deserve a good draw considering you missed out on Bellamy but could you please lose in Round One against the Storm.

        • March 11th 2013 @ 4:02pm
          Jeff Cook said | March 11th 2013 @ 4:02pm | ! Report

          Thanks Andrew

          You got your wish.

    • March 2nd 2013 @ 1:20am
      Kellett_1992 said | March 2nd 2013 @ 1:20am | ! Report

      I don’t get it, what’s this article about??

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