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Playing in India rule number one: do your homework

Roar Guru
12th March, 2013
1

In the interests of transparency, Cricket Australia has steadfastly refused to release details of the players’ homework (apparently the dog ate it), but a little snooping around and speaking with the right people means we can reveal the contents in full.

Here is each player’s homework as slipped under Mickey Arthur’s door (or in Ed Cowan’s case, 90 minute powerpoint presentation):

Michael Clarke (Captain)

Technical: Score TWO hundred every time I go out to bat. FFS!

Mental: Yoga. We’re in India. Worth a crack. FFS!

Team: Leave out ‘Twatto’, ‘Uzzi’, ‘Miss the Pitch Mitch’ and ‘Patto’ for ‘disciplinary reasons’. We need change, even if it’s for the sake of change. FFS!

David Warner

T: Swing harder. It goes further.

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M: As anything?

Team: Everyone should bat like a millionaire and see what happens. I’ll go first.

Ed Cowan

T: Have I told you about my new book? I have a degree you know?

M: Have I told you about my new book? I have a degree you know?

Team: Have I told you about my new book? I have a degree you know?

Phillip Hughes

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T: Always play straight. If not, be ready to scythe one through point should the opportunity arise, like when it’s full on leg stump.

M: Pray that India will field a pace battery at Mohali. There’s a god for everything in India right?

Team: Catches win matches. I’m looking at you Ed.

Moises Henriques

T: Never leave your crease when batting with Mathew Wade.

M: They say the truth will set you free. Alright then. Ed, you are a very bad cricketer. Am I right? Am I right? Oh man that feels good!

Team: When do I qualify to play for the Portuguese Test team?

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Glenn Maxwell

T: Yeah, like Davey said.

M: That’s like emotional right? Yeah, right I get it.

Team: A loss is a loss. Give everyone a go I reckon. What about Daniel Brettig? Did he bring his pads?

Steven Smith

T: Take any opportunity in the nets to look rusty. Snicks are good. Very good.

M: Two more weeks as the forgotten man of Australian cricket and I’ll be first picked for The Ashes. Avoid the hotel pool if Mickey’s around. Low profile is good profile on this holiday tour.

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Team: Ain’t life grand? India is such a special place to play cricket. Well, ‘play’ cricket.

Peter Siddle

T: Bowl more short stuff.

M: Bugger this vegetarian nonsense. I’m going Vegan. V is for Vegan. V is for Victoria!

Team: This was supposed to be my Test off for rotation. But Mickey, you said…

Mitchell Starc

T: If bowling short or full doesn’t work, try bowling shorter or fuller. Avoid a good length at all costs.

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M: I’m Yugoslav-Australian, We don’t have mental problems, alright? I SAID ALRIGHT?!

Team: Dear Mickey, Why do I have to room with Ed? He wants me to interview him for his new book. Can you do it? Best, Starcy

Nathan Lyon

T: I’m the best in the country. And I lead the team song after Australia wins. Oh, wait.

M: The Himalayas remind me of the Adelaide Hills. Now, relate that back to cricket somehow…

Team: For starters, you can pick me instead of that X D’Oh clown.

Xavier Doherty

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T: Do something with the ball. Don’t tell Mickey or ‘Pup’ what it is unless you can’t do it.

M: Focus intensely on being the batsman I can. I wasn’t cut out to be a bowler.

Team: Pick Nathan.

Brad Haddin (wk)

T: I have a flaw? Really? Come here and tell it to my face sunshine.

M: Wade? I agree, he is. Can’t catch either.

Team: What took you so long Pup? And Gavin Tovey? WTF? Who’s he Pup?

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Matthew Wade (wk)

T: Catch the red thingy when it comes to you.

M: Settle back and let India’s tranquility have its natural effect. Remember more Goa, less Calcutta.

Team: I’ll start catching when Ed does.

James Pattinson

Can’t talk, NAB Cup.

Mitchell Johnson

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Can’t talk, nothing to say.

Usman Khawaja

Can’t talk, stirring energy drinks.

Shane Watson

Can’t talk, flying.

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