Hoping the good looking Hawks stay that way

Andrew Sutherland Roar Guru

By Andrew Sutherland, Andrew Sutherland is a Roar Guru

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    If AFL was about the spectacle, Hawthorn – the cool aesthetes of the competition – would be the reigning premiers.

    Is there a more disparate pair than Travis Cloke and Ryan Schoenmakers?

    When they lined up on each other in Round 3, if you hadn’t known better, you would have assumed Cloke – scowling and hulking – was the struggling defender, and Schoenmakers – toned and athletic, preening and prancing – was the champion goal kicker.

    Seeing these two together highlighted the aesthetic difference between the Hawks and the other serious premiership contenders.

    There was the contrast in demeanour too.

    Even during his several goal celebrations Cloke appeared angry while his out-pointed opponent maintained an apparent (and refreshing) lack of concern.

    Even their own supporters have at times put this unflustered look down to indifference.

    That is unlikely given the players’ constant reference to the devastation caused by the narrow ten point loss in last year’s grand final and the even tighter three-point preliminary final loss, the year before that.

    After losing again to Geelong this year, some argued that the cool dude persona was masking a mental fragility in big games.

    Only the players will know the truth of that but it’s hard to believe watching their free-spirited style of play. It’s more likely the latter is the cause of the problem.

    For some reason, I find left footers more appealing to watch. Hawthorn’s versions kick many of their goals and can deliver the ball beautifully to running teammates, from vast distances.

    And they have a large number of lefties – I think there were ten in last week’s side.

    Whether it’s pure chance, or a recruiters’ ploy (chasers expect the ball carrier to turn on to his right) they’re a joy to behold, especially that tall chap who prefers to kick goals on the run, 50 metres out, and from the wrong boundary for a left footer.

    Sam Mitchell’s junior coaches saw left-footedness as a curse and tried to prevent him from doing what came naturally by making him kick with his right. Instead they made him equally good on both.

    I don’t know if it’s the gold of their guernsey reflecting off their faces and the slimming effect of brown and gold stripes but they look quite tanned and slender. If they were still based at Glenferrie I’d say they were visiting the numerous local beauty clinics for skin rejuvenation therapy and injections of AOD-9604.

    Talking of skin, I don’t think I’ve seen Mitchell, Josh Gibson or Shaun Burgoyne actually sweat during a game. Also, Mitchell’s hair seems permanently neat. Does he keep a comb on him?

    Now, while the Hawks are full of relaxed and slender male dancer types they also have some angry nuggety ones like Brett Guerra and Brad Sewell. And an angry skilful one in Luke Hodge.

    There is the rough-looking Jarryd Roughead, and David Hale (“I probably just don’t really bother about my looks any more, to be honest,”) but they are not enough to ruin the overall aesthetic appeal.

    Apparently Schoenmakers put on 6kg over the pre season but that didn’t stop the Ken doll of the AFL being tossed around like a rag doll. He’s gone now – proving that despite the perfect looks, he’s human after all.

    He now has to deal with something Ken will never have to worry about – a ruptured ACL.

    Hawthorn are not just pretty playthings but their style and demeanour may have cost them last year’s flag.

    For the sake of the game’s aesthetics, however, I hope they stay the way they are.

    This video could win $10,000!

    It's one of the favourites to take out the Club Roar most popular video award on Monday!

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    The Crowd Says (11)

    • May 5th 2013 @ 9:09am
      Shmick said | May 5th 2013 @ 9:09am | ! Report

      It’s hard to comment on a satire-drenched article without appearing as though you’ve taken it too seriously.

      With that in mind I’ll resist commenting directly on the article and instead share a high school memory, from when Shane Crawford was in Brownlow form. I’m going to guess it was Year 7.

      I recall a group of snobby (yet attractive) girls talking footy and agreeing that you had to barrack for Hawthorn on the premise that they were “by far the team with the hottest players” in the league.

      I chimed in and said (incorrectly) that Collingwood was a much better team and that they should take a look at the quality if the side, not the appearance of the players. They laughed at me and told me Collingwood players were ugly and their fans had no teeth.

      That struck me as strange, given that I am a Collingwood supporter, and so were a few of my family and friends, and we all had teeth (still do).

      I think that story stuck in my memory because it was the day I realised that it doesn’t matter how good people in the public eye are at what they do, as long as they look good while they’re doing it (see popular music, reality TV, Australian swim team).

      That was also one of many memories from the 90’s that helped galvanise my own support of the Collingwood FC. Back then we were a rabble and it was embarrassing to admit being a pies fan, because you got a double dose of mockery by virtue of the age-old ‘feral’ tag and the fact that on field we were just terrible. Those experiences make you really appreciate the highs like the 2002 narrow miss and 2010 triumph.

      I think the majority of those Year 7 girls changed teams when Crawford got too old for them. Maybe they’re back onboard now?

      That was long. Apologies.

      • Roar Guru

        May 5th 2013 @ 12:15pm
        Andrew Sutherland said | May 5th 2013 @ 12:15pm | ! Report

        No need to apologise Shmick.

        Yes, nothing brings a teenage boy down to earth quicker than a comment from a teenage girl:-

        Boy: “I kicked ten goals!”

        Girl: “Yeah but who was that hot guy you were playing on?!”

        • May 5th 2013 @ 5:52pm
          Shmick said | May 5th 2013 @ 5:52pm | ! Report

          Too true.

          Blokes like Buddy who have the full package are few and far between.

    • May 5th 2013 @ 11:25am
      JohnD said | May 5th 2013 @ 11:25am | ! Report

      I have never read a sports article so completely irrelevant yet strangely compelling at the same time. Time and time again I wanted to stop reading, yet here I am, at the end…….

    • May 5th 2013 @ 6:16pm
      Richard said | May 5th 2013 @ 6:16pm | ! Report

      I think JohnD summed it up. I also found myself wondering what on earth you were trying to say Andrew but nonetheless continued reading it. This is definitely not a criticism Andrew as I look forward to the next article you post.

    • May 5th 2013 @ 9:00pm
      MattRusty said | May 5th 2013 @ 9:00pm | ! Report

      Did Sam Mitchell’s coaches forget to tell Sam that turnovers hurt? Seriously, as a hawks supporter it is frustrating to watch Sam turn the ball over time and time again and nobody seems to care. Bradley Hill is another that ‘looks good’ but has as many errors, turnovers and missed tackles as he has good disposals. Players like Buddy, Hill, Cyril and Sam get all the attension but Gibbo, Birch, Puoplo, Goo, Silk and Breust are the real superstars.

    • May 5th 2013 @ 9:30pm
      Richard said | May 5th 2013 @ 9:30pm | ! Report

      Matt, I hear you but I am also a hawks supporter and I reckon you are being a little harsh. Week in week out Sam delivers so I would cut him some slack. The guys you mention are all great however everyone makes mistakes.

      • May 6th 2013 @ 12:22pm
        Mango Jack said | May 6th 2013 @ 12:22pm | ! Report

        Yeah, do his stats support this? I’d be surprised if SM’s turnover rate is any higher than other midfielders.

    • May 6th 2013 @ 4:13pm
      Richard said | May 6th 2013 @ 4:13pm | ! Report

      I don’t think his stats support this but you only have to look at bartels and others who have taken similar role sand whilst sphere stats are down their overall influence is up if that makes sense. Hawks have added speed to cover his deficiency in that area. Anyway, I would rather have him in the side than not.

      • May 6th 2013 @ 10:39pm
        MattRusty said | May 6th 2013 @ 10:39pm | ! Report

        I would trade Mitchell for Bartel in a heartbeat.

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