RATH: Wallabies set to tame kings of the jungle

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Australian rugby union players James Slipper and James O'Connor. AAP Image/Paul Miller

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The lion is the unchallenged ‘king of the jungle’ – the most ferocious and powerful apex predator on the planet.

Horses, on the other hand, are nice to sit on top of and British people like to make hamburgers out of them. Trust me – this is science.

Usually when a horse decides to take on a lion the other horses gather around and attempt to talk some sense into the the four-legged fornicator.

They say things like “Jack, maaate, you’re bloody dreaming! Zebras are much tougher than us and lions eat them all the time! Pull your head in, mate!”

Lions really are incredibly adept predators, so much so that every so often a lion gets killed by its own confidence.

A well-placed warthog tusk or zebra hoof can and have indeed killed careless lions.

But usually lions just shred horses (usually might not not be the best word here since lions and horses rarely meet – but when they do lions shred them – I’m pretty sure that’s a direct quote from David Attenborough).

If a horse stands little chance against lions what possible hope might a wallaby have? Has evolution ever spawned a less intimidating animal than the wallaby? This is a species that actually comes with a built in accessory pouch.

If God is indeed the omnipotent omniscient being that I’m assured he is then she must take full responsibility for the wallaby.

Frankly I think God’s street cred has got to take a hit here because the wallaby appears to have been designed by a pot-smoking, vegan fashion designer – or Paris Hilton.

Wait a minute. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Maybe Paris Hilton is God!

After all, Paris did say:

“Even though the gods are crazy
Even though the stars are blind
If you show me real love baby
I’ll show you mine.”

Now I don’t know about you but that sounds eerily like something you might find in the bible does it not?

I mean Paris gets crucified by the media all the time and yet seems impossible to kill off.

She has a really successful father and a lot of followers who say she’s misunderstood. Maybe we’re not interpreting her comments in context.

Maybe her sex video was simply a way to test our faith in her. I mean who can understand the mind of Paris Hilton?

Holy shit people this really is starting to make sense! Maybe instead of bible verses or crosses rugby players should simply draw the face of Paris Hilton on their tapped wrists. Maybe we’ve been wrong about Paris all along!

Okay I’ll level with you – I can’t really be sure that Paris Hilton is God and maybe this is all coming from my disappointment in the wallaby in general.

Apparently wallabies can’t easily walk backwards…I guess that’s something. And I suppose it could be worse.

We could be symbolised by plant matter in the shape of a fern or a protea. Can you even imagine a lion vs a plant – Oh man that plant is in serious trouble!

Despite all the above I predict a Wallabies victory on Saturday. Both teams will look to play with pace and width but I expect the Wallabies to do so just a bit better.

Up front I expect us to dominate the breakdown, slightly lose the scrum battle and gain parity at the lineouts.

In the backs we have real pace and skill and a good blend of distributors and ball runners. George North vs Israel Folau shapes up
as a great contest.

North looks like a sock full of marbles but runs like a gazelle trying to escape a lion (ironic, no?) and he has a power and pace advantage over Folau.

Israel is unmatched in the air, has brilliant footwork, timing and big-match temperament.

Which player has the better of the other will largely depend on the platform laid by the forwards and the creativity of the inside men.

It’s a truly mouth-watering prospect and I hope you’ll join me in asking Paris Hilton to smite the Lions with all her power!

Former Wallaby Clyde Rathbone has returned to Super Rugby with the ACT Brumbies, following an injury-forced retirement from all forms in 2009. He writes columns for The Roar and has made his return to top level rugby with the Brumbies. Follow Clyde at his blog or via his Twitter page.
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