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I am writing in reply to a vicious assertion that has reared its head again of late. ‘Do we need scrums in rugby?’ or as it was put about a week ago, ‘Do the spectators even care about the scrum?’
I am attempting here to be a voice of reason. I wish to be a voice for all of you who believe, as I do, that general play only exists to fill in time between scrums.
This article is to suggest that if we were to discard everything from rugby, except scrums, we would be left with a much greater product, for participant and viewer.
To begin my argument, I would like you all to raise your hand if you like watching fat people partake in moderately athletic endeavours.
That’s right, all of you.
There is nothing more awe inspiring, nothing more poetic, and really nothing more amusing, than watching a fat man with momentum.
Now, imagine all that joy you just felt, when you thought of an obese gentleman attempting to be coordinated, and multiply that feeling by 16 – this is the exact feeling you would get if we discard all the rubbish from rugby, and were left with the fine product of competition scrummaging – 16 plump individuals, attempting to be athletic in unison, and doing so on the world stage. This is the dream.
If this vision doesn’t excite you, you are either a liar, or rugby probably isn’t the sport for you in the first place.
The art of setting fat men on a collision course has been celebrated as far back as you care to remember.
The Japanese art of sumo wrestling is possibly the finest example. Sumo wrestlers are traditionally known for their great girth and body mass, however, superior technique and tactic has been seen to control, and defeat, much larger opponents. What more do you want in a sport – tradition, skill, technique, tactic… and fat blokes.
Think about it, we are on the cusp of something great.
In fact, one would only have to look back as far as the last two weekends to see a modern day equivalent. In the Wallabies first two Test matches against the British and Irish Lions, Benn Robinson has been packing against Adam Jones.
Forget Kurtley Beale’s ‘chip kicks’ and Christian Lealiifano’s ‘cut out passes’ – the real game’s being played worlds away from all of this rubbish.
Sure, the nappies may have been left until bedtime, but our very own ‘Sumo-style’ battle of attrition is taking place in our backyard, and it continues this weekend at the first knock on, or forward pass, of the final test match.
Chimney sweeping and caving are among the jobs I wouldn’t recommend for the larger chap, along with anything else involving a ladder or rope. I would also avoid giving them work with food, although McDonalds seems to have a different philosophy.
Any form of entertainment, using predominantly slow-twitch motor patterns, and minimal amounts of co-ordination, however, is a different story. It’s about time the Australian public appreciated this.
Every time this argument is brought to the table in this country, we are bombarded with dim-witted, uneducated views, throwing barbs at the scrum, and not appreciating its place in the game.
I would like to take the opportunity to point out to some of you, that if you remove the scrums from the game of rugby union, the end product is no longer rugby union.
I propose the following – lets dispose of the game of rugby union. Lets replace it with my concept, outlined above – competition scrummaging.
For all of you who would like a hybrid game without scrums, go and watch rugby league.
Problem solved!
Prop Dan Palmer is a fringe Wallaby, and currently plays for the Brumbies in Super Rugby. He is heading to France, where he’ll play for Grenoble in 2014. The Roar welcomes Dan with his first column on the site.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.