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With genuine footy fans at the AFL Grand Final becoming more rare than a Brownlow Medal-winning full forward, here is a guide to the big day for once-a-season attendees.
Getting to the ground
Assuming most of you will be making your way from Toorak and Brighton, we suggest keeping to Melbourne’s tolled roads.
Their fees are structured to price out most of Melbourne’s traffic so your chauffer driven Mercedes’ should cruise from point A to point ‘G’ without so much as a stop.
As for high flyers jetting in from private islands and the ski fields of Colorado, be sure to have your flight paths okayed.
Grand Final day creates a great deal of congestion in Melbourne’s air space and your private jets and choppers will need a pre-arranged clearance from Tullamarine’s traffic control before taxiing.
The MCG’s amenities
For a great many of you, this will be your first time to the footy, so you’re probably curious about the MCG’s creature comforts.
Well, princesses, don’t expect too much. The MCG might think they have their superboxes set up somewhat palatially, but most of you have toilets in your Sorrento beach boxes that are more plush.
And as for unfortunates slumming it in second and third level premium seats, forget about ordering lobster thermidor from the G’s attentive attendants.
Not only is it not on the menu, it’s not something these unrefined footy types have even conceptualised.
Pre-match entertainment
As you’ve probably all attended a number of Olympic opening ceremonies, you’ll undoubtedly find the Grand Final’s pre-match entertainment drab in comparison.
What with the laughable choreography and the underwhelming mix of has-been rock stars and Australian Idol contestants, it’ll be hard not to mock.
All the same, try not to snicker too hard.
Condescension is beneath you and pointing and laughing is not in keeping with good breeding.
Which team to support?
Choosing the right team to support is key to enjoying your day. Remember you are winners and winners don’t support losing teams.
We suggest that you feign being torn. Act as though you’re agonising over two equally meritorious cases for supporting either team and once it becomes clear which team will be the winner, shift all your support their way.
In the event that the other team mounts a comeback, just go with it.
Your swinging support can easily be explained, and really, who exactly will you have to explain yourself to? Your fellow theatergoers? The pie seller? Exactly.
Closing business deals
We suggest that you look to secure signatures on contracts before the opening bounce. Everyone is on a high before the game and most business deals are best closed while everyone’s in good spirits.
If, however, you fail to get pen on paper at this point, don’t try again until half time.
The sucker, I mean, the person you’re looking to offload defective merchandise to, might be a real footy supporter, and your constant pestering during play will be a real turn off.
Should you then fail again, well hope and pray that their team is the winner and try after the siren.
If their team does win, you’ll undoubtedly be able to capitalise on their euphoria; if not, well, you can try again at the NRL final.
How to support a team?
First of all, AFL is very different to tennis. Last year, many of you confused it with your Wimbledon experiences and remained quiet when players lined up for goal.
This is not part of football’s etiquette. Be assured, yell and cheer all you want; you won’t be shushed. Secondly, don’t cheer points.
Some of you last time round were a little too hysterical over missed shots at goal.
Don’t be – points are usually disappointments for real supporters.
Finally, you’ll undoubtedly be horrified by football’s brutality. The game will have many punch ons and though you’ll want to recoil and take cover under your seats, try and hold your nerve.
Squeamishness might have its place in high society, but at the G, it’s frowned upon.
Boredom
Should AFL turn out not to be your cup of tea, try and leave before quarter time. This way you’ll be able to scalp your ticket.
We suggest that once you leave the arena have your man servant seek out one of the many desperate club supporters loitering around the ground. They are easily identifiable through their tearful forsakenness.
Be sure to have them approached stealthily and always, always take no less than 10 times the ticket’s face value: it’s the least you deserve for your trouble.
Morality
Should the term ‘theatergoer’ catch your ear during the course of the day, put up your guard. More often than not, the person using such a term is an agitator and someone looking to espouse some form of idealism.
He or she usually harbours hostility towards your privileged existence, and given an inch, will attack you for your moral right to be at the game.
Be sure not to give them the oxygen to expand their views into a manifesto, as fellow elitists, that’s exactly how the French Revolution got started.
Meeting Andrew Demetriou
Most likely you will meet Andrew Demetriou during the course of the day. Please be sure to forgive him for his lack of airs and graces: he is, after all, the reason you are at the game.
We suggest you humour him over his shortcomings and try not to steer the conversation away from matters on football.
That way, his nouveau rich lack of sophistication won’t cause awkward embarrassment for either of you.
Post game parties
Pixie’s having one, as is Ginny. They’ll also be one on a 400-foot yacht owned by a visiting tycoon (but this is to be avoided: very new money!)
Our recommendation is a corporate one: they’ve a greater concentration of business types and you’re likelier to schmooze more effectively (and thus, more profitably!)
Anyway, happy networking!
Who’s in your ultimate team? Pick the best team and compete with other fans for daily prizes on Draftstars. For the best odds on the game try out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Think. Is this a bet you really want to place? Set a deposit limit.