With two of the most actively disliked teams in rugby league facing off in this year’s NRL decider, many fans of other (admittedly vastly inferior) clubs are wondering what enjoyment they can get from the first Sunday in October.
Sure, there’ll be some entertainment value in the Panthers vs Warriors Under-20s decider, which is likely to produce a score line that’d make Australia’s Test cricket openers blush.
And Windsor’s fan must be beside him/herself to see his/her beloved Wolves take on the Sharkies in the NSW Cup final – given they’ll be playing under the Panthers banner next year, this is their beloved Wolves’ last shot at history.
But for the rest of us, grand final day is shaping up to be about as fascinating as a Josh Dugan and Blake Ferguson conversation on existentialism, which is why this year’s game day experience is the most important in NRL history.
Enter Ricky Martin and Jessica Mauboy – both talented performers in their own right, but hardly deliverers of the sort of fist-pumping, chest-beating, flag-waving, ‘Oi!’-chanting anthems that can be easily digested by your average league lover.
So rather than spend this Sunday raging at my TV screen as I wait for the 7:15pm kick-off to come and go without a ball being kicked, I offer up my alternative entertainment vision for rugby league’s biggest day.
Pre-Game
With roughly 90 minutes of dead air between the Holden Cup lap of honour and first grade, it’s time to tap into two great untapped resources – the bands of Australia, and rugby league club songs.
With a stage for each of the 16 teams set up around the field of play perimeter, each club song could be covered by an act from that region.
The ‘Gurge’ or a reformed ‘Finger rocking the hell out of ‘Let’s Go Broncos’. Alchemist giving Bad and Mean Green Machine a progressive metal makeover. The Stafford Brothers getting all EDM on whatever the Titans’ theme song is. And so on and so forth.
To recognise the game’s heritage, one former club will be repped every year on rotation – something sure to keep the bands of rugby league strongholds like Glebe and Adelaide, not to mention outposts like South Queensland, focused on the greatest game of all.
Once that festival-like extravaganza is done, the house lights go down… and the crowd goes into stunned silence as a hologram of Tina Turner appears on the halfway mark, places the actual game ball on the kick-off tee, and rips into Simply The Best.
Yes, I realise she’s still very much alive, but this is the sort of innovation that is bound to trend globally. (All #hashtag suggestions appreciated, apply below.)
After the teams run on, Jessica Mauboy steps up to sing Advance Australia Fair – firstly in the language of her indigenous people, then repeated in English.
We’ll eventually follow the kiwis on the same-sex marriage front, so let’s copy another thing they get right as a practice run.
Half-Time
It’s been a long afternoon/evening in the sun, especially for neutrals who’ve had a skinful, so it’s time to harness that enthusiasm with the Streaker Relay!
Running for the Wati Hammond Perpetual Trophy, teams of four are welcome to disrobe and take the field against the host broadcaster’s nominated champions – the formidable Burgii quartet from Redfern.
It’s anyone’s race, but the smart money is on George to take the final baton and get the Burgii home by a good length.
Full-Time
No matter what the result, no matter how stirring the theatre, no matter how full the stadium, no matter how big the Burgii, you can be assured of one thing – Daily Telegraph rugby league columnist Rebecca Wilson will find absolutely no positives in grand final day.
So rather than push her agenda to her three regular readers a week after everyone’s stopped caring, I invite Rebecca to take to the stage at full-time and deliver a stirring ‘State of the NRL Nation’ address to a whole new audience for her – actual rugby league fans.
Then there are still a few minutes for some speeches, handing out of various medals, rings and trophies, a team song or two, maybe even a lap of honour to a near-empty stadium.
And then, when all is said and done, Ricky Martin can come out and play, so anyone who actually wanted to see him perform at a game of rugby league doesn’t miss out.
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