Yesterday’s announcement by new Australian Olympic chef de mission, Kitty Chiller, that Australian athletes will effectively be prevented from participating in the Olympics’ two most popular sports has sent shockwaves through the athletic fraternity.
It will likely have wider implications for Australia’s continued presence as an Olympic superpower.
Questions are likely to be raised as to why a proud Olympic country like Australia, one of only four countries to have competed in every single modern summer games, is taking the extreme step of excluding its athletes from what many see as the ‘real’ Olympics.
For spectators at home, and the host TV network, focus is traditionally on ‘blue ribband’ events like the 100m and 1500m track, and of course swimming, which, the disappointment of London 2012 aside, remains a favourite with Australian audiences.
Other sports in which Australia achieves consistent success, such as hockey, cycling, yachting and the like are also eagerly anticipated by mum and dad fans.
But for the majority of athletes lucky enough to attend an Olympic games, there are only two sports which really matter to them.
Drinking and fornicating.
Which chef de mission Chiller now seems determined to take away.
As Ms Chiller stated yesterday: “Athletes who had finished competition would be able to attend social functions but the days of all-night partying while part of the Olympic team were over.”
Further, she went on to say, “We don’t do that (send our athletes home after they finish competing) because we want them to have a holistic experience, but that does not mean spending every night in a nightclub and then sleeping in the next day.”
One can only imagine James Magnussen choking on his cereal at the breakfast table yesterday morning when he had that quote slowly read to him.
Having suffered public humiliation in the wash up to the Stilnox and short-sheeting saga in London, he now finds penance piled upon more penance.
If asked to rank the reasons for being an Olympic swimmer from wanting to:
1) wanting to win a gold medal,
2) to party hard,
3) to pull a Swedish Volleyball player and
4) to enjoy a holistic experience
I’m picking Magnussen and his buffed compadres would not have had number four anywhere on their radar.
Until now, that is.
If it is true that modern sport must continue to evolve with the times, then Ms Chiller is either a ground-breaking revolutionary, or else is sadly out of step with the perfectly rational and natural ambitions of our athletes.
Other victims of the collateral fallout include Indian rubber barons, as well as UK based multi-national company Reckitt Benckiser, owners and producers of Durex latex condoms, of which 150,000 were distributed to athletes at the 2012 London games.
That number equates to approximately 15 per athlete, over a 17-day event.
Try thinking about that for a minute and not feel exhausted. Or yearning for old times when a memorable night didn’t mean being tucked up in front of Downton Abbey with a cup of tea and a shortbread.
With the 2012 Australian team numbering 410 athletes, that’s a cool 6,150 units not now required for Rio 2016.
Or perhaps redirected to renowned party animals who don’t have the same shackles imposed on them, such as the Bosnian Greco-Roman wrestlers, or the Kuwaiti synchronised swimmers.
As always with calculating an average, there are outliers above and below the median.
I don’t know Australian equestrian competitor Mary Hanna personally, but at 57 years of age during the 2012 games, it’s possible that she did not take up all of her allocation.
The Australian team also included 4 married couples – any Roar readers who are married will attest to 15 encounters in 17 months with a spouse being closer to the mark.
There were also two father-daughter combinations in the Australian team – again likely to result in lower than average take up. On both counts, one thinks.
All of which confirms that, even allowing for some wastage by immature gymnasts making water bombs, getting it on is the biggest Olympic sport of them all.
One imagines that Ms Chiller is keen to stamp her authority in her new role. And, with plenty of negative press in the wake of the London swimming and rowing shenanigans, clipping a few wings and limiting opportunities for mucking up might well make her popular amongst the general public whose taxes, don’t forget, go towards funding this.
But equally there will be athletes livid at this manifestation of a ‘nanny state’.
Virile, consenting adults in the prime of their lives being ordered to reign it in, all in the name of moralistic window dressing.
The consequences of this crackdown are perhaps best seen through the stories of two friends of mine, athletes who competed at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympic games.
One was eliminated early and spent the best part of two weeks tucking into a veritable feast, like a United Nations observer asked to discover the deepest and darkest secrets of all corners of the globe. All with an open bar tab.
The other was a charming girl who had recently become engaged, with the wedding date set soon after the Olympics.
Also eliminated in her first round she fielded offers from any number of suitors, including famous British decathlete Daley Thompson, well renowned for batting way above the 15 average.
In light of her upcoming nuptials she spurned all opportunities, although she did confess afterwards that had she been allowed her time again she may well have postponed the engagement until after the games.
The sad irony of her story was that on her wedding night, her brand new husband broke down and admitted to her that he was gay, and that he only went through with the wedding because of the expectations of others.
While almost 30 years have passed now and some shocking scars have healed, her story is a timely reminder to those, usually older people, who sit in judgment of others younger than them who have an opportunity like no other.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
At least the Australian Rugby Sevens selectors have been spared a dilemma courtesy of Ms Chiller’s crusade.
Faced with the challenge of trimming their existing sevens squad to accommodate Wallabies keen to taste the best of what the Olympics offers, the number of players keen and available will now surely plummet.
In fact, this is shaping as a horror period for Wallabies players. Match payments are mooted to be dropping from $14,000 per test to $10,000, and now their brand new Olympics cake has just had the icing and cherries on top sliced away.
Perhaps Ms Chiller knows something the rest of us don’t.
If Pictionary and Celebrity Heads are admitted as official Olympic sports in 2020, Australia will have a ripe and ready pool of experienced, conditioned athletes and will be well set to race higher up the medal tally.
LeBron James is going back to the Olympics for the first time in 12 years. Steph Curry is headed to the games for the…
Olyroos coach Tony Vidmar is refusing to put a line through Nestory Irankunda's hopes of playing at the Paris Olympics after claiming he is…
The 2023-24 NBA season promised so much for the Australian contingent - for a few it’s been the ideal runway to the Paris Olympics…
Basketball superstar Lauren Jackson has been included in the extended Opals squad for the Paris Olympics, despite announcing her retirement from the international scene.…
The Brisbane Olympics stadiums fiasco has had wild twists and turns in just the last few days, but we still might not have seen…
Olympic swimming legend and Australian Sports Commission boss Kieren Perkins has warned that "someone will die" if a multi-sport event that allows athletes to…
