When it comes to picking horses are you the equine equivalent of the bloke who lines up at Red Rooster for 20 minutes, gets to the front of the queue then sheepishly asks the surly teenager behind the counter what it is they happen to sell?
Do you miss high school because you now have to pick what clothes to wear each day?
Do you still buy your partner of 30 years a gift voucher for Christmas?
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Then chances are you’ve taken one look at the Melbourne Cup running list, which features more horses than the battle scenes from Braveheart, and been sent into a state of shock at the thought of choosing one.
Fortunately, at The Roar we’ve developed a failsafe method for selecting your gee-gees based entirely on their name.
Genius, no?
Here’s the form guide for today’s big race
Avoid like the Flemington Portaloos
Brown Panther: This is the horse that’s owned by a former famous footy player, Owen Craigie and Penrith Panthers boss Phil Gould. I think.
Considering the form of the Chocolate Soldiers in recent years, you can be guaranteed that 60% of the time, Brown Panther is going to stink every time.
Dear Demi: Remember how ripped off you felt when you shelled out seven bucks to rent out the VHS of the Demi Moore flick ‘Striptease’ when your parents were away for the weekend, only to discover it to be a piss-weak crime caper starring the ghost of Burt Reynolds?
That’s how you’ll feel if you give Dear Demi your cash, making this nag one indecent proposal.
Voleuse De Coeurs: Really? This is the name of the horse you want to be trying to yell to the cashier at a packed TAB at 2pm on Cup day after three hotdogs and a dozen schooners?
Keep your bad French accent to ordering the fillies some champagne.
Mount Athos: Horse Owner Dr Marwan Koukash has promised punters Athos is a sure thing.
Mind you, he’s also promised that Wayne Rooney would play five-eighth for his rugby league team Salford, so I’d be wary of backing one of the Mad Doctor’s rides.
Verema: Sounds like the chunky girl from Scooby Doo.
Foreteller: More like foreclosure.
Seville: Probably not the right time to make any Spanish investments.
Dunaden: Haven’t I already warned you about avoiding the portaloos?
The dark horses
Red Cadeaux: Sure it sounds like some kind of fish, but if red horses are anything like red cars they should go a bit faster.
Tres Bleu: Considering only horses with colours in their name seem to win this thing, Tres Bleu could leave you tres rich.
Ethiopia: Has been rebuilding nicely after a few lean years.
Fiorente, Ruscello, Ibicenco, Dandino: All let you put on a fancy accent at the tote, which is a win in itself.
Mourayan: One for all the blokes sporting some patchy lip hair for a good cause.
Simenon: Could be worth getting on with Simen… unless Joey says he’s off.
For a place
Super Cool: The offspring of Super Awesome and Mega Cool, Super Cool here’s a horse who’s got winner written all over it!
Sea Moon: Sure to rise on a wet track.
Green Moon: The returning champ with a strong environmental message, what’s not to love?
Royal Empire: The Royals have had a pretty good year and I think they’ve got at least one more good run left in them.
Hawkspur: The Hawks won the AFL grand final this year, back this horse and you could be moving next door to Buddy Franklin… or at least to Greater Western Sydney.
Masked Marvel: If Spiderman rode a horse it would probably be named something similar to this.
Hot tip
Fawkner: A horse named after Guy Fawkes running on the fifth of November? Sure to explode out of the barriers for mine!
[roar_cat_gal]
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