Five NFL headlines you won’t read in 2014
Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco. AP Photo/Gail Burton
The end of the year is a time for reflection, for closure, for trying to fake your way through a rendition of ‘Auld Lang Syne.’
And, if you follow the NFL, a time for futilely speculating about the year to come.
Yes, with the sweet scent of the playoffs mixing with the omnipresent odour of franchise failure swirling through our nostrils, 2014 is shaping up as an exciting year to be filled with many headline moments.
Just not any of these ones.
Ravens trade Joe Flacco
After winning the 2013 Super Bowl, lifting the Lombardi trophy and visiting Disneyland, Joe Flacco went on to sign a deal with the Baltimore Ravens that made him the best paid player in the NFL.
Unfortunately to afford smoking Joe’s new deal the Ravens had to shed a whole bunch of players, which kind of came back to bite them in the arse when Flacco had no one to pass the ball to and the Ravens ended up kicking more field goals than are featured in a Jonny Wilkinson tribute DVD.
Despite this and a few dips in his personal form Flacco is entrenched in B-town, and with the franchise already battling a backlash for letting so many fan favourites go, the Ravens will move to Indianapolis before turfing the Flaccanator.
Cleveland Browns dominate AFC North
The AFC North was an intriguing battle this year, as the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers all put in solid seasons to all be in the running for the playoffs in the last round.
And then there were the Cleveland Browns, who once again were a steaming pile of failure for the majority of the year.
Whist franchises are capable of swiftly turning around their fortunes in the NFL with good drafting and new coaching structures, the Browns have shown they are equally as crap at these as they are passing and catching.
There is a slim chance that Cleveland may turn it around in 2014, however a winning season is probably the best they could ever hope for.
Houston Texans pass on a quarterback in 2014 Draft
While the 2013 Draft lacked and spectacular offensive pizzazz, the 2014 draft is shaping up to be an absolute barnburner.
Every which way you look there is A-grade prime beef being paraded about, and gosh dang, don’t you know it? The Houston Texans need a new pair of everything.
Most importantly they need a new quarterback after Matt Schaub aged 15 years seemingly overnight.
With number one pick will they go straight for Teddy Bridgewater? Or is there a chance they’ll want to keep Johnny Football in the Lonestar state?
Either way you’re sure to see a nervous looking greenhorn launching the rockets in Houston.
NFL team moves to LA
In the majority of cases, like a 300-pound linebacker at Burger Kling, whatever the NFL wants, it gets.
However, there is a Hollywood-sized gap in the NFL’s roster as it continues not to have a presence in the USA’s second-most populous city.
While candidates to take hitch their wagons West have been routinely churned out in recent years (Rams, Raiders, Jaguars) all to date have resisted the seductive call of LA LA land, and 2014 shapes up as being no different.
Well, not unless the Oakland Coliseum collapses in the next 20 minutes…
Bill Belichick signs the Patriots up for ‘Hard Knocks’
New England coach Bill Belichick is a funny bloke.
He’ll happily throw oddballs like Tim Tebow and Chad Occhocinco a career lifeline, use a punter as a tight-end and quit as head coach without ever taking the job.
However, there’s more chance of him leading the Macy Thanksgiving parade in a pair of hot pink Zubaz than there is of him letting in a TV crew to film his Patriots pre-season camp.
In the secrecy stakes Belichick makes the CIA look like bunch of drunken frat boys trying to pick up chicks on Facebook after a three-day booze bender, and is rumoured to always wear a hoodie just to so he can permanently keep his cards close to his chest.
Any I might have missed Roarers?
Chris Chard is a sports humour writer commenting on the often absurd nature of professional sport. A rugby league fan boy with a good blend of youth and experience taking things one week at a time, Chris has written for The Roar since 2011. Tweet him @Vic_Arious