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If the NRL are serious about maintaining their emerald ornament of unpredictable rugby league played at sub-zero temperatures, they will man up and do something to help the Canberra Raiders.
After enjoying the fine literature of my fellow Roarers in the past couple of days, it’s obvious we all know what’s up with the nation’s capital – due to a kangaroo plague and the closure of the Canberra Cannons, the old grey mare just ain’t what she used to be.
Nope, not even legalised porn and fireworks can convince young men to pack up and move there, and it’s becoming a large wart of an issue.
The Raiders hierarchy has tried everything from boosting their financial offers to boosting them even more, and yet they still they remain loveless.
So with this grand club drowning before our very eyes among serviceable country footballers and twilighting fogies, David Smith must come to the party with CPR forthwith.
After personally conducting an investigation, it has come to light that nobody at league headquarters has any idea what to do, so here’s some free advice from a humble follower without a speck of business acumen. Pens at the ready, people.
Why doesn’t the governing body provide the friendless Raiders with some additional fiscal clout in the form of an AFL-style cost of living allowance?
I know David Smith and his fat cats would rather saw off a pinkie with a butter knife before copy-catting the COLA from their biggest rival, but in this case they’ll have to swallow their pride as the idea is awesome, plus I’ve already given it a name.
Yes, this boomer of a fix has a spanking title created in the spirit of originality and a good fizzy drink pun. I call her the COCA: the Cost of Canberra Allowance. Beauty, isn’t she?
For those unaware of the AFL version, this leg-up is an additional slice of salary cap room created by departing dictator Andrew Demetriou and granted to the game’s Sydney branches in the Swans and Giants.
At the time of establishment, he said it was to assist their players to deal with the exorbitant cost of parking and corkage fees in the uber-steep harbour city, but in the end it just manifested in a surplus of gun players and negligent driving charges.
The same deal should be applied by the NRL to Canberra to assist firstly with attracting employees, and secondly to deal with the shortcomings of their surroundings, such as the lack of a coastline, the low babes-per-capita count, and Ricky Stuart.
Let’s be honest, it’s a bloody excellent equaliser. There’s even proof to back it up.
Scientific studies of the AFL’s allowance show that it guarantees at least one premiership and a newfound hatred from the entire state of Victoria, so it’s a win-win situation.
All that would need to be nutted out is the finer details. How do you quantify the actual cost of Canberra? What amount is enough to turn a blind eye to six months a year of icy spuds?
Let’s use the James Tedesco situation as a starting point and then hopefully someone else can apply the lazy maths required from there on.
The Tiger-to-Raider-to-Tiger has made it clear that mateship, Parramatta Road and Campbelltown coffee is worth around $150k per year in comparison to waking up in Canberra every day for the next four years, so there’s a figure for David Smith’s abacus to chew on.
What about safeguarding the scheme against the Raider-prototype rogue footballer, who can’t keep his thirst levels under control and his name off the police radio? How do we make sure he doesn’t pick up the spoils in a settlement?
I’m glad you asked. The answer to that is easy peasy Terry Campese – you just make the additional slice of income payable in a lump sum at the completion of their contract period, pending confirmation that the player has not taken a squirt on someone’s head at the All Bar Nun hotel.
Problem solved. Thank me later.
Okay, in all seriousness, I acknowledge that this is a somewhat progressive ideal that may be seen as unfair in a cap-based competition, but what else can we do to save this great club?
Are we going to sit around and watch the disintegration of a rich heritage built on the frozen fingers of names like Furner, Meninga, Tongue, Gafa and Bulgarelli just because players want to give the location a wide berth at any cost?
No, we certainly are not. That’s why the game needs to throw good money after bad towards any greedy off-contract players in the sights of the Raiders, otherwise we may just lose this league stronghold to football or alpine skiing.
It’s a left-field solution, but it may just work. And besides, it’s way better than my other radical idea of merging the franchise with Cronulla and relocating it to Shelbyville.
So Roarers, does anyone else have any ideas on how to polish up the Raiders to make them more attractive to the footballer in the shop window?