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The World Cup is in full swing – which means you have been bombarded with stories pondering which of your sporting heroes might have been good at football if Australia was a one-code nation.
In keeping with the spirit of the season, I’ve also decided to compile a team made up of Australian stars from other sports.
But in a genius twist, these are blokes who would have absolutely no chance of succeeding if they were in Brazil right now.
These are guys who ‘kick’ goals, not score them, who think soccer would be a lot more exciting if they got rid of the offside rule and for whom a ‘nutmeg’ is but a delicious, fragrant spice.
By the way – the formation I’ve chosen is 4-4-2, because you can shove your national curriculum. And while I’m making up the rules, I’m allowed to select retired players too. So there.
Goalkeeper: George Rose (prop forward, NRL, Sydney/Manly/Melbourne, 2004-present)
OK, Gorgeous George’s considerable heft might actually make him a decent shout to don the gloves, if we’re looking at this from a ‘tubby blokes go in goal’ perspective.
But the hulking Melbourne Storm forward is probably the exact opposite of what a goalkeeper should be. Can you imagine him leaping like an alley cat to save a long-distance strike from Iniesta? No. I’ve seen geriatrics who would be better suited to this position.
Right-back: Tony Lockett (full-forward, VFL/AFL, St Kilda/Sydney, 1983-1999; 2002)
They don’t make them like ‘Plugga’ anymore. And you can bet your bottom dollar he would be absolutely dire if he played right fullback for the Socceroos – even at his physical peak.
The modern fullback runs up and down the flank all day and is adept not only going forward, but defensively as well. The four-time Coleman Medalist and one-time Campbell’s Soup spruiker wouldn’t have a clue what to do.
Centre-back: Glenn Maxwell (all-rounder, cricket, Australia/Victoria, 2010-present)
Maxwell is known as ‘The Big Show’ for a reason – his brash, cavalier strokeplay personifies the appeal of limited overs cricket. But such an aggressive approach means he is prone to getting out for low scores.
If he can’t defend his wicket properly, then he’d be no chance defending Australia’s goal against Alexis Sanchez, Robin van Persie and Diego Costa.
Centre-back: Lewis Roberts-Thompson (utility, AFL, Sydney, 2002-present)
Unfashionable is probably the best way to describe utility player Roberts-Thompson, whose nickname – LRT – is almost its own punchline. But while he might lack the skills or smarts of an elite AFL footballer, he has won two more premierships than you have and has squeezed every drop out of his limited ability because he nails the one percenters.
Unfortunately, as Craig Foster will gladly tell you, desire alone gets you nowhere in the world game – that’s why LRT was one of the first names on this teamsheet.
Left-back: Paul Gallen (prop forward, NRL, Cronulla/NSW/Australia, 2001-present)
“They should let you punch each other, really,” said the victorious NSW Origin skipper in the wake of Wednesday’s drought-breaking series win.
You get the sense he would have absolutely no time for the round-ball game, which means he’d be an excellent choice for this hypothetical Socceroos line-up.
A no-nonsense, hard-running NRL front-rower, putting him on the left side of defence for the Socceroos would be a disaster in anyone’s language.
Right midfield: David Granger (centre-half forward, SANFL, Port Adelaide, 1975-1982)
A 103-game player for Port Adelaide in the SANFL, the man nicknamed ‘Grave Danger’ is best known for his exploits without the Sherrin in hand. That is to say, he’s famous for punching blokes.
In the 1981 SANFL grand final, the Magpies ratchet man ended Neville Caldwell’s career with what we would now call a ‘coward punch’. Earlier this year, he was accused of assault after allegedly pouring a bucket of cold water over SA parliamentary speaker Michael Atkinson’s head.
He’d bring all the intensity of a rabid Vinnie Jones, with none of the skills. A red card certainty.
Centre midfield: David Boon (opening batsman, cricket, Australia/Tasmania, 1978-1999)
If the middle of the park is the engine room, big unit Boony would have the Socceroos ticking along like a 1985 Holden Barina.
He is an Australian icon – whether it’s because he scored 21 Test centuries or because he once necked 52 cans of VB on a flight from Sydney to London is up for debate.
Can you imagine how many he’d put away from Sydney to Vitória? Ange Postecoglou wouldn’t want a bar of him.
Centre midfield: Mark Cosgrove (opening batsman, cricket, South Australia/Tasmania, 2003-present)
Cricket isn’t exactly the most physically demanding of sports, so when you’re considered too fat to play for the SA Redbacks, you know you’ve probably got an issue.
Mark Cosgrove could have been one of Australia’s great modern Test batsmen, but instead, we’ve got him running the show for the Socceroos alongside Boony in a no-action midfield that would have Arturo Vidal doubled over in laughter.
An entirely inappropriate choice.
Left midfield: Bernard Tomic (tennis, 2008-present)
He’s probably quick and might even have soccer in his blood somewhere, given his Croatian background. But good teams are built on communication, respect and selflessness – three areas in which the Gold Coast tennis sensation and lap dance aficionado is sorely lacking.
His combination on the left with an overlapping Paul Gallen is the stuff absolutely nobody’s dreams are made of, because nobody has ever considered how these two would go if they played soccer together.
Until now. You’re welcome.
Striker: Andrew Demetriou (Winger, VFL, North Melbourne/Hawthorn, 1981-1988)
The former chief executive of the AFL gets in courtesy of his past life as an okay-ish winger for North Melbourne in the 1980s. He has scarcely hidden his disdain for the beautiful game, and basically did everything he could to make Australia’s bid to host the 2022 World Cup as difficult as possible.
If he had the ball at his feet and an open goal at his mercy, he’d probably produce a Stanley knife and stab the thing to death.
Striker: Max Vieri (striker, football, Australia, 2004-2005)
Bending the rules, but surely nobody could be worse.
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