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This is a highly confidential message for David Smith and his peacekeeping delegates.
Consider me a trenchcoat-wearing informant in a carpark, shrouded in shadows and smoking a cigarette. Lend me your ears and bring it in close, because this intel is so goddamn classified that I’m going to have to whisper.
If you must know, I’m a mysterious insider from an unidentified source. I’ve taken a break from providing quotes for tabloids to inform you that your game is in grave danger.
It’s really serious – it could even be worthy of the word ‘crisis’ in bold.
I am holding all of the information you need to know in a microchip that’s contained inside this briefcase. However, being a visual prop in a written piece, it is somewhat redundant. To remedy this, I’m just going to give you the bad news myself now.
The great game of rugby league is under threat from a new danger – and no, it’s not gambling or Ray Hadley or the modern revolution of blokes giving themselves a good hosing down.
This new enemy is sneaky and nimble and it’s infiltrating rugby league like a devious disease that threatens to tear at the game’s vulnerable fleshy bits. The subject’s title?
Niggle.
Yes, Niggle is a right-wing extremist group based along the eastern seaboard of Australia, with recruits growing by the second. It must be watched like a hawk – in fact, it’s getting so bad that you might want to opt for a second referee.
The organisation states in its propaganda material that it’s “highly disappointed with the direction of the game”, that the game has “moved away from its once-great fundamentals of liberal affray” and that it would ultimately like to “see the punch returned so we can watch Birdy go off again”.
While Niggle’s principles may seem barbaric and retrograde, its tactics are highly sophisticated and frustratingly subterranean.
Knowing that public opinion cannot be swayed with violent protests in the modern day, Niggle has resorted to sly, underhanded tactics to spread its message, hopeful that one day that they will become so ingrained and widespread in the game that it will force action from the authorities.
Niggle believes that by re-introducing mild violent conduct to the field on a smaller scale and frustrating its participants in to regular exhibits of handbags at ten paces, it will weaken rugby league’s quality to the point where a fleeting session of punches to the melon will suddenly look like an attractive alternative.
Unfortunately, this is where the problem lies. Due to these imperceptible combat methods, Niggle cannot be pinpointed, cornered or seized. It presents itself in many different forms and is an ever-evolving target, kinda like that bad dude in Terminator 2.
While it has been on a slow journey to gain prevalence, the organisation managed to land its biggest blow in front of its greatest ever audience when it hijacked the second game of State of Origin and crippled it beyond recognition.
It then backed this up by resurfacing for the third match, despite pre-emptive measures from authorities to quell the potential for further catty squabbling. Even with a change in arbitration and a healthy ten metres for a game with nothing riding on it, Niggle still managed to interfere with the spectacle on numerous occasions.
Prior to these strikes, Niggle’s only sightings were mostly on ‘Bring Back the Biff’ bumper stickers and grainy videos filmed from dark caves using poor production values and featuring disgruntled former greats.
Despite the looming threat, work has begun on strategies to combat their movements.
While this is yet to be confirmed, we can advise that potential suspects have been identified thanks to the extensive examination of footage by the intelligence agency I run from my laundry.
After repeated viewings of the evidence and its stringent cross-referencing with what I’ve learnt from watching Homeland, I highly recommend that extra units are immediately deployed to watchtowers stationed in and around the forehead of Nate Myles, the radial bone of Paul Gallen and the vocalisation devices of Josh Reynolds, Greg Bird and in times of intense provocation, Johnathan Thurston.
This advice must be heeded immediately, as ground forces have relayed knowledge that the group is planning further strikes – but it probably won’t be this weekend, as nobody really watches split rounds full of exhausted Origin players.
Niggle’s commanders state publicly they are willing to negotiate with the leaders of the game to come to a compromise, however they must be approached with caution. They are highly dangerous and are known to collar-punch, rumble-waltz and verbally abuse using some of the most unintelligent insults known to man.
David, this is no time to hesitate. While Niggle may not be as critical as someone placing a $5 multi on themselves, it is still gravely serious – and bloody excruciating to watch, to be honest.
God speed, and fight the good fight. And do you have a spare smoke?