In general, I usually have no idea what I’m talking about. When it comes to American Football, this couldn’t be more true.
I enjoy the NFL. I know the rules. I’ll watch it when it’s on. I know the names of some teams. I’ve watched Any Given Sunday. That’s about it.
I’ve decided that this year is the year to expand my NFL knowledge and dive face first into the shallow end of the American Football kiddie pool.
This is the first part of my amateur preview of the upcoming 2014 NFL season, division by division. Part 1 explores AFC East, one of the eight NFL divisions. From the East. I think.
Buffalo Bills
A quick google search of the Buffalo Bills disappointingly confirms that they have nothing to do with the popular face-shaped ice cream, Bubble O’Bill.
They are, in fact, a real NFL team from Buffalo, New York, a place that seems as though it might be constantly covered in ice.
In the 90s, the Bills played in four consecutive Super Bowls – and lost them all. Ouch. To make matters worse, they haven’t made the playoffs since 1999, which makes them the only team in the NFL to not make a post season appearance in the 21st Century. Ouch.
This year doesn’t look great either. They are poor in attack, which would be fine if they weren’t equally poor in defence. The Bills have recently lost star linebacker Kiki Alonso for the season, which was really their last hope. Ouch.
Should They Be Your New Team?: If you love disappointment, then yes, definitely.
Will They Win Super Bowl XLIX?: No. There’s a better chance of Bubble O’Bill winning in 2014.
Miami Dolphins
For most of the ’80s and ’90s, the Dolphins were led by legendary quarterback, Dan Marino, a guy who just sounds like he’d be a quarterback. Unfortunately, Marino is long gone. There is a guy on the team with the surname Moreno, so, y’know, close enough.
Off the back of a fairly shambolic 2013 filled with internal bust-ups, the Dolphins seems to be pulling themselves together slowly. Really slowly. Their offence is shocking. Offensive, even. They’ll likely battle it out with the Jets for second in the AFC East.
With LeBron moving back to Cleveland, the Dolphins may have a chance to be the most relevant team in Miami once more. Will they take it? Probably not.
Should They Be Your New Team?: Maybe, if not just for the cheerleaders.
Will They Win Super Bowl XLIX? Nope.
New England Patriots
Yes! These guys. They are good. Everyone knows that. Their quarterback, Tom Brady, is essentially an Ultra-Jock. To vaguely quote Alec Baldwin, his life seems as though it has been one unbroken boulevard of green lights. It’s OK to hate him.
Jealousy aside, it seems as though the Pats are preparing to dominate the AFC East for another season, as they have done for the past decade or so. Pats Coach Bill Belichick seems like the sort of guy who isn’t hugely fond of losing, so I suspect that if New England go on a losing streak, he’s willing to lock all the supermodel WAGs and Lamborghinis in a room until it all blows over.
Should They Be Your New Team?: No. They’re too good. They have plenty of fans.
Will They Win Super Bowl XLIX? Maybe. They’re a bit like Manly. They are easy to hate but you can’t write them off.
New York Jets
The New York Jets seem like the sort of team that might just bore you to death. The Kirsten Dunst of American Football, if you will. This might not be true, but I’m willing to take this position until proven otherwise.
Apparently, they aren’t as bad as they look and some predict they are destined for second position in the AFC East behind the Patriots.
Current Jets quarterback Michael Vick spent some time a few years back in the big house for co-ordinating and participating in organised dog fights, so he’s obviously up for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Should They Be Your New Team?: Unless you have an old Newtown Jets trucker cap, then no.
Will They Win Super Bowl XLIX? Hahaha. No.
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