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Where the fck is... Cayman Islands

The grandest of all Cayman Islands, named the Grand Cayman Island, from space no less. That's right. (Photo: Wiki Commons)
Expert
24th July, 2014
3

When there’s a dreamy little zipcode like the Cayman Islands and it’s stacked to the gums with the tax-free cash reserves of a non-compliant commercial world, it presents an obvious question regarding competitive sports.

Why wouldn’t the Cayman powerbrokers just use their hefty financial leverage to build a fleet of sophisticated cyborgs to represent them in the upcoming Commonwealth Games, or at least just cough up a briefcase of gravy to fix a few events?

The answer to these ridiculous and illegal suggestions is simple. The reason the Caymanians don’t need a warehouse of T-800s and Johnny-5s or a bookie with a lot of tentacles and a good work ethic is because they grow their own quality. And it’s all pure ace – and a lot cheaper than buying widgets in bulk.

That’s right, this idyllic island hideaway is home to some of the most ox-strong and cheetah-fast humans in the Queen’s realm. Even better, they all totally comply with competition entry rules and do not require a power supply. The lot of them are more than capable of stripping the Commonwealth clean of its gold stocks at Glasgow 2014 – and by jingoes, that’s what they are coming to do!

So if these four paragraphs of schoolyard dribble have already got you caught up in the throes of Caymania, then you’re in luck. Here is all you need to know about this gorgeous wonderland before the Games begin. Let me hear you say amen, this is Cayman for the layman!

Background
Believe the hype, peoples – everything you hear about this 59,000-strong nation and it’s reputation as the planet’s cashbox all checks out as gospel.

This three-piece island setting has street cred. as one of the world’s largest offshore financial centres, also known as a well-hidden feeding trough for fat cats or for those more French and classy, Le Haven Le Tax.

The country is home to the fifth largest banking centre in the world, holding a trivial $1.5 trillion in liabilities under a mattress in the master bedroom. Plus, there’s all the other standard trimmings of wealth lying around the streets such as expensive cars, white loafers and the artificially-bosomed ex-wives of many a divorced tycoon.

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Despite this foundation of bling, the country’s biggest exportations aren’t jewel-encrusted rabbits or gangster grills. They specialise in is turtle products and manufactured consumer goods, which in reality is probably just gilded shell and high-end mouth jewellery.

Games history
The Cayman Islands burst on to the scene at the Edmonton 1978 Games. Unfortunately however, it was nothing but participation ribbons and duty-free booze in their early outings.

However, the duck was smashed at Manchester 2002, when they finally broke through for long-awaited bronze thanks to Kareem Streete-Thompson in the high jump.

After this maiden triumph for the tiny nation, further soul-searching and bargain whiskey ensued until the heady days of Delhi 2010 where sweet sweet gold was finally realised. The hero? The magnificent Cydonie Mothersille, the lightning sprinter who swept aside all-comers in the women’s 200 metres and boosted home in a time of 22.89 seconds, thus sparking the many celebratory lighting of cigars with Cayman currency back home.

Prospects for Glasgow
You think the Caymans are playing around? Then you better think again!

Put simply, Glasgow 2014 is go-time for the island nation. You can tell they mean business, as they are shipping across a 28-man strong party to rock the socks off seven of their favourite sports in an attempt to improve on their all-time medal count of two.

It’s the biggest team ever sent from their shores and it means one thing – they’ve had enough of making up the numbers. This campaign has a ‘Team Great Britain post-shameful sporting malaise’ feel about it. You can feel them saying “here’s the resources, now it’s time to produce”. Otherwise, they may have to prepare their faces for the ferocious wrath of a nation of ticked-off barons.

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While Mothersille has retired to play mother hen to the athletics team, there’s plenty of other weapons on board, including world-class freestyle swimmer Brett Fraser and 110m hurdler Ronald Forbes. The aptly-named Forbes has just returned from a knee injury and is hungry to call first dibs on the finishing tape.

Alternatively, if you’re in to good form, then there’s Alexander Pascal, a man who has been braining inter-island javelin competition in the months leading up to the tournament. If you like a punt, he could be a man to throw a few sans-levy dollars on for the win too.

This article was first published on the Tenplay website here.

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