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Three Rugby Championship captains walk into a bar

Roar Guru
18th August, 2014
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Michael Hooper breaks free from a tackle against the All Blacks. (Photo: Paul Barkley/LookPro)
Roar Guru
18th August, 2014
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1834 Reads

Jean de Villiers, Richie McCaw and Michael Hooper decide to spend some time away from it international rugby. They book a five-day trip off the west coast of Mexico, at the Rancho Leonero resort.

The plan is to do some fishing, enjoy the golden beaches and relax.

On day two Richie pulls out a black marlin of 617 pounds, and on day three Michael reciprocates with a 324 pound yellow fin tuna.

By the evening of day four Jean is perplexed at his failure to compete and turns to his two rivals for some advice.

Richie decides to let Jean into a secret, “Well I use the SWOT technique for facing a challenge.”

“What on earth is that?” Jean asks.

“It is a method we use on the field of play as well, regardless of the preparation we do pre-match, I assess the strengths and weaknesses of the two teams on the field, I seek for opportunities and threats, and then decide how we will approach the rest of the match.

“Haven’t you noticed how we put teams away in the last quarter of a match? Everyone believes it is fitness, but that is a complete misnomer, it is simply the plan coming together.”

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Michael weighs in, “Similar to Richie we use the GROW model during the match, we find SWOT to be so passé.

“Our goal is defined and processes are in place when we run onto the field, however the match brings its own reality to the table, and within that we must find the obstacles within the match, be it the referee, the conditions, the opposition pack outmuscling us or whatever. Once we have identified those we can weigh up the options for going forward and play accordingly.”

“Huh?” says Jean, now even more perplexed.

“The proof is in the eating,” says Michael. “We have been using it at the Waratahs this year, and it works, we scored more points in the last quarter than any other team this season.”

Richie asks, “What method do you guys use Jean?”

“Well we use the KISS method,” Jean replies.

Michael falling of his deck chair laughing “KISS? Don’t you mean BASH method?”

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“No, KISS – keep it simple, stupid.”

“Well, how does that work?” Richie asks.

“We do what coach tells us,” Jean replies.

“When?”

“Before the game starts and then at half time.”

“What about during the halves?”

“Well, duh, we can’t talk to him during the halves now, can we?”

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“So explain to me how this works.”

“You see, Heyneke Meyer believes in discipline, he showed us how it works with his doberman. When he tells him a command the dog just does it, if he fails he is taken to the pound, and he gets a new one.

“So we do the same. If coach says kick, we kick, if he says attack, we attack, if he says defend, we defend. Simple really, it allows us to focus.”

Richie asks, “What if the kicking isn’t working?”

Jean says, “We wait for coach to tell us what to do at halftime.”

“But Jean, that makes no sense at all, if something isn’t working you need to adapt or lose the match.”

Jean says, “Ja, err, well, your coach isn’t going to send you to the pound if you don’t do what he says, is he?”

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