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Now that this Sharks v ASADA bullkaka has finally been euthanised, let us give the episode it’s final rites by remembering how the whole hideous situation was spawned.
It was Canberra in February 2013. We humble sport-worshipping Aussies were treated to a chest-beating press conference from government senators that shook our beliefs to the core.
In hindsight, it was nothing more than a load of self-serving pee and breeze to rival a Warwick Capper spoken word album.
Yes people, we’ve been served tablets, creams, injections and fibs from a-hole to breakfast, and it’s all been the fault of those clowns in congress. Can you imagine if they had just told the truth?
Well imagine no longer. To help with your healing, here is the spin-free press release from the government from that fateful day, and in a tribute to ASADA and general ministerial practice, it’s only 18 months late.
The Australian Government has called this press conference to release the findings of our prolonged investigation in to the integrity of Australian sport. As you can tell, we’re really serious about this; there’s microphones everywhere and even Laurie Oakes has been forced from the canteen to hear what we’re about to say.
Over the last 12 months, specialised teams have been enlisted to review the relationships between professional sporting clubs, prohibited substances and organised crime rings. When I say ‘review’, I mean ‘thoroughly audit’ or ‘find smoke that we can pass off as fire’, and as a floundering government with questionable standards, we are stoked with the 50 per cent return on this directive.
The results of this report that I am about to exaggerate to you will rock the Australian sporting scene for decades to come, subsequently keeping boundless numbers of unqualified analysts in jobs and boring the public batty in the process.
Firstly, we would like to announce that Australian sport is riddled with rotten candy. Well, we believe it is anyway.
This report undeniably outlines a possible whiff of widespread drug use including peptides, hormones and party drugs that exists across all codes. We reckon this whiff is strong, however we’re just not sure where it’s coming from, or if it even exists. In fact, it could even be the toast that my adviser just burnt in the chamber lunchroom. In light of this, we say bugger it – it’s fresh and ballsy and we’re going to run with it.
Some of these substances reported as being used are highly dangerous. In some cases, just like XXXX, they’re not even approved for human use. In other cases, they are administered by that guy from the movie Dumb and Dumber. Apparently.
While the use of equine-standard growth hormones on athletes is awaiting confirmation, we can categorically certify that Gatorade powder and Deep Heat is rife as a performance enhancer, while Red Bull, unwashed beer bongs, and excessive hair product is commonplace for recreational use.
Secondly, many Australian sporting organisations have been linked with various criminal identities and underground organisations, resulting in the unwanted exposure to potential match-fixing and backyard tatts of poor standard.
While actual ‘connections’ between Australian athletes and anyone from a Channel Nine mini-series is yet to be fully confirmed with first-hand accounts or evidence, we can confirm that we have read Johnny Elias’ book- and that guy is a nasty scofflaw who has punched out a few cankers in his time!
Thirdly, the report notes the increasing number of personal relationships forming between professional athletes and various colourful racing identities with links to seedy subterranean gambling networks.
We can confirm that Nathan Tinkler has been seen transferring very small amounts of cash to a limited number of Newcastle Knights players, and that the Wolfman had five on this and parlayed it in to the Doggies 13+.
As you can see, these findings are as shocking and disturbing as they are flimsy, hence our desire to have this matter resolved as swiftly as possible sometime this century.
In due course, hopefully some real evidence will show up, most probably through talkback radio or some unqualified medical practitioner from Greystanes looking for his 15 minutes. If not, I guess we’ll just have to bully some fringe first-grader in to an admission of guilt over one too many protein shakes in Thailand.
In the interim, this report has been referred to relevant law enforcement agencies including the Australian Federal Police and NewsCorp. A process of further investigation is being formed with government units being granted further wide-ranging powers such as: the ability to seize the iPhones of anyone passing through Customs without a neck, and the power to compel players to attend interviews in casual streetwear to ‘paint a f*cking picture’.
In addition to this, all of the governing bodies of Australia’s major professional sporting codes have committed to the following three point plan in response to these findings:
In summary, we would like to send this warning to those who chose to play outside of the laws of the game in Australia.
If you choose to take drugs, we will catch you. Or bluff you with a sweet penalty bargain.
If you choose to mix with underworld figures, then hang with John Ibrahim. His nightclubs are off the hook.
And finally, if you choose to gamble, you choose to run the gauntlet. So just get your missus to put on your multis, you galoot!