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They’re buffed and brutish blokey blown-ins that have bashed our back-rowers black and blue – and they’re just about to bugger off.
Sonny Bill Williams and Sam Burgess – those two blue chip lens-magnets from far-off alien lands – are finally reaching the end of their expensive lease periods, so commence weeping now.
That’s right, only a handful of opportunities remain in 2014 to see them frolicking in Oz league before they leave us for a twilight of clean jerseys and confused looks in rugby union, never to be seen again lest an offer surface that packs too many zeroes to refuse.
Strewth, I’m getting emotional just thinking about all of the boppings and the brainings and the babes from over the years. Just reminiscing about these two pain purveyors has my eyes filling with tears and swelling for a shiner all at once.
With their similar yarns of local stardom running at an eerie parallel towards finality, what a great opportunity to force you all to choose which one you love most. After all, this is the NAPLAN generation where everything is graded from coolest to crappest, so why should these two heathens be immune from a good ranking?
Sure, you could use Thursday night’s gladiatorial two-try return from Burgess or tonight’s simple sighting of the glorious Williams shoulders to help reach a decision, but that would just be logical. I would much rather you use this easy-to-bin comparison of achievements from various criteria.
It will certainly help you to do the maths or at least assist you with sleeping.
1. Good times
Let’s start with a quantifiable classic: wins. Because good old numbers aren’t the dodgy tradies of decision making – they don’t stuff you around and leave you with a load of confusing paint samples, they just get the job done.
Williams has won 68 of his 111 NRL games played (61% win ratio) while Burgess has won 52 of his 90 games played (57%). It’s a rice cracker’s difference overall, however the kicker is in the fine print – both have played in seven finals games, with Burgess winning two and Williams winning an imposing six, including two champagne-lathered premiership medals.
2. Season 2014
While Williams may have two more ritzy coasters at his joint than Burgess, it’s the latter who is so hot right now. Some of his numbers are so burgeoning that even Pi be all like ‘daaaaamn!’
The Rabbit is killing it in 2014 with an average of 169 running metres and 34 tackles per game, and he’s even found the time for eight glorious tries. While the Williams analysis of 126 metres and 22 tackles per game isn’t anything to turn a symmetrically perfect nose up to, it’s a clear second in this mano-a-mano, especially considering he trails Burgess in tackle busts, line breaks and kinsperson per game.
Okay, now that I’ve fulfilled my contractual obligation regarding statistical content, let’s get on to the meaningful stuff.
3. Ill-discipline
Sure, Williams may have fled for escargot mid-contract plus shoulder-charged the lips off just about everybody, but it’s Burgess who can adeptly fill the alphabet with his collection of indiscretions.
If he doesn’t home-run your head off the top of your shoulders, he’ll grossly contort your arm out of your socket before trying to rake a 20-cent piece from inside your face. If you’re still agitating for a quick play-the-ball after this, he’ll frisk your shorts and then clutch. Hard.
Basically speaking, while Williams is a casual recidivist and a flight risk, Burgess is a walking collection of carryover points. I’ll opt to keep my knackers in commission and take a punt on there being a problem with Sonny’s passport at check-in.
4. Extra-curricular
This is where it gets murky. Both Williams and Burgess have been more exposed than Hindy’s tush in the past, so much so that they’ve had to make a conscious effort to give Weidler and the glossies a wide berth indefinitely.
However, before they closed shop, both were fierce challengers to Eddie McGuire’s crown on Channel Nine. Burgess was a regular panel member on The Footy Show and 25 minutes of every broadcast hour was filled with Blue Steel sideways glances from Williams. Add the regular shots of Sonny’s abs and Sam’s mum in the social pages, near-nightly news features and a fleet of family members arriving, and you practically had two foreigners running this town.
However, the individual phenom angle totally jumped the shark when we were treated to the pre-recorded thoughts of Williams just as he entered the fray in his comeback game. It made Burgess appear like a regular Kirk Reynoldson in comparison.
5. Trivialities
Now the bits and bobs that can’t be shoehorned in to any other category.
Burgess is a charismatic knockabout with an awesomely oversized head for the scrum, but Williams is a cool cat with a state-of-the-art hairstyle and superior rig. Both are men of scripture; Williams reads the Koran on the train while Burgess lives by The Book of Feuds, and both have been excellent sports in the face of Beau Ryan’s endless weekly taunting.
So when you can’t split the differences on two things from overseas, it simply comes down to one important factor: funniest accent.
The Williams delivery is one of the more finely-crafted Kiwi accents going round, but it’s the muffled northern trumpet of Burgess that surely takes the cake. True story: he once said he’s never had Thai food delivered to his house from his local because they can never understand what he’s asking for. That’s your tiebreaker right there.
Give it to me, Roarers: In this Williams versus Burgess verdict that has no bearing on footy whatsoever, what is your final decision? Will you remember the artistry of Sonny more fondly or is it Sammy that floats your boat?