After two weeks it seems harder than ever to get a read on most teams, with plenty of the impressive week one performers failing to show up for their second outing.
It would appear league parity is alive and well, perhaps the only thing that Roger Goodell can claim as a win right now.
There were some big upsets last Sunday with the Chargers knocking over the Seahawks, San Francisco finding a way to lose to Chicago and Cleveland managing to chalk up a W against the hapless Saints.
The Big Dawg made a small improvement from week one by picking an even 50 per cent over 16 games but my confidence is as big as Troy Polamalu’s hair and there’s cash to be made in week three. Home teams listed first. Let’s begin.
Atlanta ($1.34) versus Tampa Bay ($3.38)
Matty Ice was shut down last week against what appears to be one of the league’s most fearsome defences in the Bengals. This week he’s back at home against a Tampa team that is falling apart.
The Bucs defensive line is in tatters and Matty Ice’s mum might get away with not having to wash his jersey this week. Rumour has it they’re so desperate they’ve been trying to convince Warren Sapp to come out of retirement.
The sadder truth is that the Sapp rumour is a smokescreen and they’re really after Boomer Esiason.
Tip: Falcons
Seattle ($1.42) versus Denver ($2.96)
Superbowl rematch. Can you believe the hype? The hype!? Can Peyton claim revenge? Can Rusty do it again? Is Richard Sherman infallible? Will Wes Welker still be on the disco biscuits? I’m Big Kev excited about it and I have a sneaky suspicion that Denver will somehow get it done.
Whatever happens on Sunday, that smiling assassin Pete Carroll will always have last year’s ring.
Tip: Broncos
Buffalo ($1.72) versus San Diego ($2.18)
So, Bills fans. They’re pretty happy right now. The Bills are staying in Buffalo, Jim Kelly beat cancer, and their team is somehow 2-0 and top of the division. They beat up on Miami last week and now face a Chargers team with a cyborg quarterback and a mountain of confidence. Call me a cynic but I still can’t believe that Buffalo is actually a good team while EJ Manuel is playing quarterback.
They’re getting great value from the running game but Philip Rivers is going to dink and dunk the Chargers up and down the field all day and I have no faith EJ Manuel can win a shootout. If the D can keep the Chargers to less than 17 the Bills are a chance but I think the Bolts are the business here.
Tip: Chargers
Cincinnati ($1.35) versus Tennessee ($3.32)
Sometimes when I watch the Bengals I wonder if Old Sauce Andy Dalton would play better without a helmet, unrestricted, and just some black stripes spray painted on his head. Last week, he didn’t need to go helmet-less and he may have silenced a few critics by playing at a high level even when AJ Green went off the field in the first half.
Good work Ginger. Cincinnati have one of the stingiest defences in the league, which means the Titans will struggle to move the ball and end up settling for too many field goals to scrape through with a win.
Tennessee quarterback Jake “the Hurt” Locker may not survive. You all saw the movie right? This is going to be worse.
Tip: Bengals
Cleveland ($2.03) versus Baltimore ($1.82)
What is even happening in Brown Town? Brian Hoyer won a game of professional football. Read that again and then pinch yourself. This is not a dream. This is reality. Brian Hoyer is the devil who has set the Johnny Football movement back at least a week.
In other news the most ethically bankrupt team in the NFL not from Washington had their way with division rivals Pittsburgh last week. Joe Flacco looked engorged and strong and there’s actually a little bit to like about the team when they’re on the gridiron.
I fear the ‘Brian Hoyer for mayor’ bandwagon loses its wheels this week.
Tip: He-Man Woman Hating Club
Detroit ($1.75) versus Green Bay ($2.12)
Two teams who are both 1-1 and demonstrating some pretty glaring flaws. Detroit was smothered by a seriously good Panthers D on the weekend and Green Bay managed to win their game against the Jets despite only playing one half of football.
The Pack’s D continues to look shaky and if Rodgers makes it through a full season it will be some kind of holy cheese-loving miracle.
I see this one turning into a shootout and when that’s the case you have to ask yourself one question: Stafford or Rodgers? Yeah, that’s what I think too.
Tip: Rodgers. I mean, Packers.
Jacksonville ($3.47) versus Indianapolis ($1.33)
At this point the Jaguars need to at least think about playing Blake Bortles on defence. They are without question the worst team in the league, and if anyone can help them it’s the chosen one playing both ways. Alternatively they could just keep being terrible and eventually move the franchise to LA. Indy remind me of Green Bay: awesome quarterback, strong receivers, bad offensive line, remarkably terrible defence.
The only difference is they also have Trent Richardson, which is the equivalent of trying to win football games if you run a quarterback kneel play on every second down that you have. Kinda makes things tough but even Richo won’t be enough to stop Indy from beating the Jags.
Tip: Colts
New England ($1.07) versus Oakland ($9.50)
Just in case you weren’t sure about it, I am pro-rookie quarterbacks. So despite being a blood relative of David Carr, I’m in the Derek Carr camp. You know who else is going to be in the Derek Carr camp?
The New England Patriots. On Sunday they’re going to be in his camp putting out his fire, breaking his esky and urinating in his tent. Derek Carr may not have a camp left after Sunday; he’ll just have a soiled sleeping bag.
This is a shame but I can live with it when I remember Derek Carr is David Carr’s brother. Do you remember when Oakland used to be good? Is Rich Gannon an insurance salesman these days?
Tip: Patriots
New Orleans ($1.18) versus Minnesota ($5.25)
Before you completely write off the Saints, take a moment and remind yourself they were only two plays away from being 2-0, instead of 0-2… I don’t buy that argument either. Their secondary is shoddy, and for some reason they’re not playing the sweet three-safety package that was so effective for them last year.
I’m really disappointed in Rob ‘the Dude’ Ryan for the way he’s handled things this season. Very un-Lebowski, very uncool. And here I was thinking that Jarius Byrd was going to tie the whole defence together.
Fortunately for the Bourbon St locals, the Minnesota Vikings are the NFL’s nihilists: It’s clear they believe in nothing if they let AP play (AP won’t play but the point almost still stands).
Tip: Saints
NY Giants ($2.10) versus Houston ($1.77)
New York why are you doing this to Eli? I mean, I’m glad that you are but why? He refused to go to San Diego for you, he won you two rings and now you’re treating him like he’s Archie Manning.
Let’s be clear, Eli Manning is not the reason the Giants are losing. There are 51 other players and a bunch of coaches and terrible management responsible for that.
The thing is Eli acts like he’s solely responsible for them losing. And because of that he’s the league’s most lovable bum. Houston are just playing for fun at the moment and will cruise to a cushy 3-0 start. It is only a matter of time before JJ Watt starts playing quarterback for them though.
Tip: Texans
Philadelphia ($1.35) versus Washington ($3.33)
This is the game where Kirk Cousins steps into RGIII’s boots, tries to avoid any career-threatening leg injuries, and begins his quest to prove he is either the saviour of Washington (Clinton) or just another guy in a long line of Capital Hill deadbeats (Carter). I’m thinking Kirk Cousins is a lot more Carter than Clinton. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball: Unbelievably, Nick Foles continues to win professional football games.
Tip: Eagles
St Louis ($1.96) versus Dallas ($1.88)
The thought of this game almost makes me physically sick. What’s more confusing is that both teams are coming off wins last week. What universe are we living in? I think Dallas run the ball all day to victory but I would prefer to see the young Rams quarterback Austin Davis win and be the most excited person in the world for a second week in a row.
Tip: Cowboys
Arizona ($2.28) versus San Francisco ($1.66)
This is a juicy match-up. San Francisco imploded last week and Arizona found a way to win despite losing Carson Palmer. I’m pretty sure this is how ColKap thinks on every play: Calm down, stay in the pocket, go through read one read…run run run!
Look the kids got wheels but he’s a maniac, which is why everyone loves watching the 49ers. I thought SF would be legit contenders this year but I’m re-thinking that. Their D has been ordinary and other teams have improved around them.
I think they’ll beat the Cards here because of the Arizona quarterback situation but I’m losing faith in the ColKap and the Bay Boys.
Tip: 49ers
Miami ($1.48) versus Kansas City ($2.75)
Ah Miami, you flatter to deceive. Meanwhile, KC is just putting it all out there, warts and all, and boy are there plenty of warts. The Chiefs don’t do anything particularly well, and they do plenty of things badly.
On Sunday they managed to drive for 10 consecutive, excruciating, minutes only for their kicker to miss a FG attempt, so they came away with zero points. This is excellent game management when you’re in front. The Chiefs weren’t in front. I can see Andy Reid game managing the Chiefs to a seven point loss here.
Tip: Dolphins
Carolina ($1.54) versus Pittsburgh ($2.55)
This game is quite simple. Carolina are good. Pittsburgh are bad. The end.
Tip: Panthers
NY Jets ($1.66) versus Chicago ($2.27)
Last week the Jets showed some grit and went down to the Packers at Lambeau. No shame in that. Last week the Bears won a crazy game against SF. Not-dead Mike Ditka was happy and bigoted and pro-guns and all was as it should be.
This week, for some reason, Chicago is an underdog with the bookies to stroll down the road and handle the Jets. How can this be? Didn’t they see Brandon Marshall snatch victory from the jaws of defeat!? What’s that you say? They didn’t deserve to win on Sunday. Injuries to key defensive players. Jay Cutler. Ah, I see…
Tip: Jets
Happy punting and god bless ‘Murica!
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