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Advice from 1984: Don't play rugby league

30th September, 2014
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Would the Burgess brothers still be around in 2021? (AAP Image/Action Photographics, Robb Cox)
Roar Guru
30th September, 2014
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1542 Reads

Before he passed away in 1984, my grandfather wrote a letter to an unborn me, scrawled across a series of TAB tickets.

The letter warned of the perils of playing rugby league. This is what he wrote.

Dear future (BR2 no.12 Progeny),

I’ve seen a few things in my time on this mortal coil but of all the advice I can pass on to you, the most important is to warn you to steer clear of playing bloody rugby league. It’s a game that is rotten to the core, and the future of the sport is looking (MR3 no.6 Stuffed).

I’ve watched rugby league my entire life and, let me tell you, the sport will keep getting more violent. I remember seeing John Sattler play an entire game of footy with (MR4 no.7 Busted Jowls) and thought nothing of it ten years ago. It was a one off.

But these days it seems like the fibros and their ilk are more interested in having a boxing match than scoring a try. I can only imagine the sort of biff that will be happening 20 years from now. The 70s and 80s will seem like lawn bowls compared to what the game will look like in the future. For god’s sake boy, don’t risk your surely (PR1 no.1 Idyllic Features).

Besides league’s inevitable descent into violence, judging by the gene pool you’re likely to inherit, you’re going to stack on a few stone when you’ve experienced (PR6 no.6 Falling Plums) and there’s just no place for a big fella in the game anymore. It’s only the little runts who do well these days. You’d think the game would have moved on from Clive Churchill!

What I’m saying lad, is that you won’t make it as a big bugger playing league in the future; to succeed you have to be a (VG7 no.7 Trackwork Hoop). You’d be able to make more of a go of things in the VFL, just look at how well that fat bloke Lockett goes.

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As for the management of the game, well you can bet that the (Exacta MR 6 no.1 Richard, no.4 Craniums) won’t bother keeping up with all the new technology floating around and will continue to rely on plonkers like Hollywood Hartley and co. to make all the right decisions themselves.

Humans are flawed mate, the game needs to start looking to the future. The other day I saw a bloke with a phone he could walk around with! And just look at the film that came out recently (MR8 no.4 Big Arnie), that’s what the technology of the future is going to look like and league will never get on board with that kind of stuff.

Lastly, if you’re anything like your dad you’ll be a shy kid and things like big crowds will frighten you something chronic (BR3 no.6 Damp Trousers). It’s probably best that you steer clear of league and play something that no one wants to watch like soccer or rugby union. Rugby league is a damn popular game with the punters these days and, trust me, all that pressure and atmosphere will get to your fragile little psyche, you’d be hard pressed avoiding (MR1 no.1 Russet Stains).

I can only imagine what it’s going to be like in ten or twenty years when fans are packing out grounds and stadiums, doing anything they can to catch a glimpse of their beloved teams in real life. People are getting fed up with the wireless and I’m sure the clubs will be rolling in (BR 1 no.1 Cashola) with all the takings from the gate on game day. You just won’t deal well with that kind of carnival atmosphere.

So stay away from rugby league young fella. If you’re going to play a sport make it (PR2 no.13 Mexican Ballet). The stories I’ve heard from my mates down in Hawthorn make me reckon it’d be a bloody wonderful thing being at one of those games. Apparently, the beers are cheap, the crowd is relaxed and jovial, and no one takes the game too seriously (MR5 no.4 Delusional).

Word is just last week there was a (BR6 no.3 Starkers Sheila) getting around in the stands! With a full set of teeth too, if you don’t mind. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a full set of chompers on the hill at a game of league.

So head south mate, I’m sure in time you’ll get used to Melbourne being such a (BR8 no.11 Cultural Wasteland).

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Love, (MR9 no.1 Soothsayer)

To this day I’m thankful for the old bloke’s sage advice. Clearly, nothing has changed…

For more idiocy follow me on twitter: @brinpaulsen

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