When the trippers and beatniks seek footy predictions that are vague and baseless, they come to Dr Dane, the people’s part-time septic dialogist and just-credited astrologer. First reading free, or your money back.
Today, we’re gazing deeply in to what awaits us on the NRL’s day of days, and what a game the moons and stuff have bestowed upon us! Who of the Dogs and the Rabbits will reign as they both chase the celestial sphere while staying back the ten behind the vernal equinox?
Nobody really knows, except for maybe the inner planet cluster and Tom Waterhouse.
The tea leaves I just found in this putrid cup under my bed are giving off two particularly strong signs. Firstly, that they’re a biohazard, and secondly, that the Roarers are hungry for the good oil – and who am I to ignore such demands from a pushy mug of moss-covered Bushells?
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So in conformity, here’s some ambiguous forecasts for you all at $5.95 for the first two minutes and $10 for every minute after that. For full effect, please light some questionable incense and have your credit card at the ready.
Now press one to continue.
Bulldogs
The galactical pull will cause you confusion initially, so you may start the day with some inward reflection. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself the important questions, like ‘Who’s Damien Cook and how the hell did we get here?
Once this uncertainty passes, you will forget that this stage of the zodiac is usually for abusing female journalists and fattening yourself up, and you will embrace your unlikely surroundings.
Take guidance from a fatherly force with Farrah Fawcett hair who speaks in tongues and fill Michael Ennis with a tonne of calcium and Nurofen. Saturn also says you should hurry up and name your hooker because he’s thinking of taking you with the line.
Rabbitohs
Old friends have come out of the woodwork in the aftermath of recent events, but you must be circumspect. Some of these are fair-weathered, whereas one wants a majority of the limelight plus $100k.
Smith’s Crisps jerseys could be back in mothballs as quickly as they arrived if you are not careful. Also, beware of the unforgiving front of pressure coming from your familiar star from Hollywood; it can be grouchy and hairy and it may release another album of amateur pub rock should you not find success.
Hard work alone may not be enough to reach your destination, so look to family for assistance, preferably one you’ve purchased from overseas. If this doesn’t work, just bust out some ice chips.
Broadcasters
There is an irregular burst of solar activity coming from a demanding cosmos that will force your hand.
This frightening power is emerging from the outer Gynge fringe to compel you to fill every stoppage with a minimum of two adverts from the highest bidder.
Compliance is recommended or he’ll wait outside your house to give you a hiding. Additionally, asteroid patterns say this will be a strong day of biased narrative and cross-promotion from your more vocal delegates, with most communications coming directly from Uranus.
Lower graders
You will be consumed by a feeling of emptiness, but don’t be troubled. It’s not your search for meaning or that you’ve reached your journey’s end, it’s just ANZ Stadium anytime before 2pm.
Mercury’s rotational path will ensure you are not overwhelmed and that you cradle the moment, so absorb your surroundings and make your mark with a courageous play or by putting on a stink.
Be vocal with your emotions; a friendly word with a colleague will go far, as will a bellowed cuss at the ref in the acoustics of a barren stadium. And it will sound mad on the telly.
Referees
Having faith in your own ability and trusting your own judgement- these are two things that you should avoid at all costs today.
Decisions you make will require great contemplation, so don’t be afraid to review the finer details- even as many as 25-30 times from differing angles if necessary.
Also, a gravitational pull from Pluto will urge you to refrain from the whistle, but this should be ignored, as it’s just an indecipherable lunar machination coming from the Hasler cosmos and it’s not the full quid.
Overall, a strenuous day awaits you – but at least you won’t have to put up with Ennis.
Pre-match entertainers
Bring your usual enthusiasm and panache to today’s show, but also bring your own power supply. You will realise that money isn’t everything, and from this a connection with your inner-youth will materialise.
This will inspire you to perform with the freedom of your amateur days – provided the NRL have paid you up front. The Saturn pattern says an uncomfortable situation awaits – most probably an interview with Brett Finch – but remain stoic. Under such duress, your true colours will shine through and you’ll call him ‘Brad’.
Neutrals
Apathy may be your overriding feeling in the morning, but your numerology report encourages you to embrace the day’s real meaning – an excuse to drink, gamble and act oafishly for close to 15 hours straight.
Be wary of potential pitfalls though. Look both ways before you cross the road due to an increased number of bandwagons, and feign the need to pee if cornered by a supporter, as they are desperate, dangerous and sometimes unwashed.
Also, if preparing a feast, remember the coveted third law of the Tarot: ‘Eating’s cheating.’
To my flower children of The Roar community. Now that you know what’s in the stars for today, I want to know your predictions for the NRL’s big dance.
Will there be streakers? Lip-syncing? Tears? A refereeing balls-up? Or maybe even a commentary box f-bomb?
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