Faithful readers, after four weeks of sub-par tipping performances the Big Dawg finally delivered something resembling a decent round of selections hitting 10/15 for week 5.

However, with only three of the favourites losing, a blind monkey could have picked ten, so it’s best to assume that even this middling level of success won’t continue.

On the field the big news was the return of vintage Tom Brady, the unfailing excellence of Philly Riv and Cleveland continuing to deny lovers of the game of American football a chance to see Johnny Manziel throw ‘cash money’ hand gestures.

This week’s match-ups present us with an abundance of dross and a handful of interesting games with serious divisional implications. Home teams first. Let’s begin.

Houston ($2.29) versus Indianapolis ($1.65)
You know what everyone in Houston wishes right now? That they traded down in the draft and took Johnny Football instead of Clowney. You know why they wish that? Because they’re all drunk and stupid.

However, I do understand where they’re coming from. Ryan Fitzpatrick is a frustratingly average quarterback and with a name like Fitzpatrick belongs as a third stringer on an East Coast team. Probably the Jets. Although he’d be a starter there too.

On the other side of the field Professor Luck and his Colts are really warming into the season. Despite the final score, Indy had the Ravens covered all game last weekend and after starting the season 0-2 against the Broncos and Eagles, the Colts have won three in a row.

Even Dallas beat the Texans last week so the Professor should take Houston to school on Thursday Night Football.

Tip: Colts

Cleveland ($1.83) versus Pittsburgh ($2.02)
Brian Hoyer is the worst person alive. Every week he comes out and performs at a reasonably high level is another week that we have to wait for the unveiling of the next ordained hero of the NFL – Johnny Football. Sure, Hoyer might have just pulled off the biggest road comeback in NFL history but it doesn’t stop me hating Hoyer and everything that he stands for.

What I’d give to see him playing for the Texans right now. The drunks in Houston would probably be agreeable to it as well.

Pittsburgh are doing their best impression of a semi-decent football team but just like the bottom fell out of the steel industry, I’ve got a feeling that Jerome Bettis’ old team is about to hit the skids too.

Antonio Brown is awesome but this Steel Town defence is pathetic. Unfortunately I need to stick by my word and go with my heart instead of my head. #startJohnnyFootball

Tip: Steelers

Buffalo ($2.27) versus New England ($.166)
Headlines across America on Monday morning read “Tom Brady not dead. Belichick still a zombie”. Whatever Giselle promised Tom if he won worked like a charm because the Pats came out and walked all over the Bengals.

In divisional news Dave Grohl fell into the Bills starting quarterback job and, while not looking anything like Jim Kelly, did exactly what Jim Kelly used to do: he won.

The Billies D continues to keep the team in games and the only question is will Tom Brady be too exhausted after claiming his reward from Giselle to perform on the field for two weeks in a row?

Tip: Patriots

Cincinnati ($1.32) versus Carolina ($3.55)
It was pretty nice of Marvin Lewis to take his team up to Massachusetts on holiday and give them the weekend off. Hopefully Sauce Dalton and the rest of the Cincy crew are feeling refreshed after playing at practice pace against the Patriots and are a little more focussed when SuperCam and the Panthers come to town.

Until last Sunday’s drubbing the Bengals were looking like one of the top three AFC teams but with AJ Green in doubt and their defence bleeding yards on the ground the early season optimism might be on the wane.

I don’t think they’ll win but Carolina at the line with a seven point start looks an enticing prospect.

Tip: Bengals

Tennessee versus Jacksonville (No market released)
So the Titans blew a 25 point lead last week against Cleveland! Does this mean that there’s a chance the Bortler can lead the Jaguars to victory this weekend? Just maybe.

The market for this game hasn’t been released yet because there’s some uncertainty about who will be playing quarterback for the Titans. The thing is it doesn’t matter who gets to throw the pigskin around for Tennessee because the Jags defence is terrible.

Even if the Bortler can put four on the board I don’t have faith that will be enough.

Tip: Titans

Miami ($2.48) versus Green Bay ($1.57)
A fortnight ago, like an Asterix comic, Ryan Tannehill drank the druid’s brew aka London water and became a one many wrecking crew against the Romans. I mean Raiders.

Tannehill turned into Tannemountain, and at one point in the game he ripped off 14 consecutive completions.

Maybe Tannemountain just needs to be situated in a colder climate than Miami? Maybe he could be MVP if he was the Buffalo quarterback. Unfortunately this week he’s back in Florida.

Fortunately he’s going up against the Packers D, which stinks. You know who doesn’t stink though, the Green Bay offense. Those guys are good. Real good. Too good.

Tip: Packers

Minnesota versus Detroit (No market released)
Calvin Johnson is out. This is awful news for whatever remaining vagrants are still living in the shell of a city that is Detroit.

The Lions have form being completely terrible when Megatron is out, and the Vikes will be hoping that Teddy B is healthy and can make it purple rain touchdowns on what is proving to be a pretty stout Lions defence. I’ve got faith in the rook this week.

Tip: Vikings

NY Jets ($4.30) versus Denver ($1.24)
This doesn’t seem fair to Rex Ryan’s struggling heart. quarterback Geno Smith finally got the hook and reformed Dog-fighting tsar Michael Vick will start for the Jets this week, not that it will matter.

Denver dismantled a pretty good Arizona team last week at Mile High while the Jets couldn’t find the endzone and posted a big donut in San Diego.

Expect the Jets to put a few more points on the board this week, if only through dumb luck, but Peyton is playing quarterback at an Eli Manning-level so the Jets have got no chance of winning. Someone just needs to send a memo to Muhammad Wilkerson to watch out for chop blocks from Denver TEs. It’s good to see that John Fox knows how to coach dirty.

Tip: Broncos

Tampa Bay ($2.57) versus Baltimore ($1.53)
Last week the Bucs found a way to lose a game that they really shouldn’t have and Baltimore were outplayed by the Colts way beyond the final 20-13 score. Mike Glennon is actually playing okay football since he’s come in as starting quarterback for the Bucs while Baltimore have gone from looking like a decent team with divisional title hopes to just another mediocre member on the AFC North.

If only Baltimore played a team that Steve Smith had a vendetta against every week. Word is that the Ravens worked out Champ Bailey this week, which is extremely troubling news. The Ravens are a team on the slide but my no-picking-Florida teams rule is still in place.
Tip: Ravens

Oakland ($3.70) versus San Diego ($1.30)
This game would be something of a local derby if anyone cared enough about the Raiders to show up.

The Cyborg Philly Riv is the league’s MVP through five games and the only thing that Bolts fans should be concerned about is whether they can find a centre who will last longer than one game. The Raiders are likely to be refreshed after their bye last week although the same could be said for the Chargers, who only had to play the Jets.

Tip: Chargers

Atlanta ($1.55) versus Chicago ($2.53)
I am not excited about this game between two teams struggling to find their identity in this crazy world of NFL. Yet again, Mr Kristin Cavallari put in a wonderful shift for his team turning the ball over three times last week.

To be fair to JayCut the Bears defence is absolutely godawful too; they can’t stop anyone at present. While Matty Ice was solid yet unspectacular last week for Atlanta, I’ve got a feeling that he can lead the Dirty Birds to an impressive offensive showing this Sunday.

Tip: Falcons

Seattle ($1.27) versus Dallas ($3.95)
What do you mean Dallas won again? Srsly? Good job ‘Murica’s team for proving the haterz wrong and getting it done against your fellow Texans.

I hope they had a parade to celebrate and that Tony Romo got to ride a giant papier maché horse. To be fair, DeMarco Murray is a player and that O-line is road-grading at present. That match-up with Seattle’s front seven should be fun.

Meanwhile, Seattle let in a 60 yard touchdown last week against Washington so it’s clear now that the entire secondary is clearly falling apart.

I love Richard Sherman and his embodiment of ‘Murican values like self-belief and vocalising self-belief excessively.

It’s so un-‘Murican the way that the US sports media wants to bring him down. Tall poppy syndrome, man. Oh and in case you’d forgotten, Rusty Wilson is pretty darn good quarterback.

Tip: Seahawks

Arizona versus Washington (No market released)
‘Zona will be without its best player, Calais Campbell, for a few weeks because of dirty John Fox tactics. The loss of big CC Babcock will likely see a drop in the effectiveness of the Cards’ current run defence but the main concern for Arizona is at quarterback.

There’s talk that it might be Logan Thomas, which explains why there’s no market out on this game yet. This is just another example of a team who should have drafted Johnny Football. No sympathy ‘Zona!

The Washington Professional Football Team continue to suck. Captain Kirk Cousins was actually very good in the loss to Seattle and had three touchdowns, all to Percy Harvin, called back because of penalties. The Capitol Hill boys aren’t without hope in this one.

Tip: Cardinals

Philadelphia ($1.66) versus NY Giants ($2.27)
It’s that time again folks, time for Eli and the Roadwarriorz to pop down the road to where ‘Murica was born and take on Hot Chip Kelly and the Eagles. ‘Murica’s favourite hangdog bum Eli has gotten the G-Men back on course after a shaky start while Nick Foles inexplicably continues to win football games despite severely lacklustre performances.

This divisional match-up is my most anticipated game of the week. While the Eagles have fallen over the line a couple of times this season thanks to some defensive and special teams excellence it’s been the emergence of a pass rush that has generated Dubyas for big blue.

Tip: Giants

St Louis ($2.53) versus San Francisco ($1.55)
Rams quarterback Austin Davis just seems like such a rad dude. I get the feeling that he’d be the guy at a party offering people beers that weren’t his and doing backflips off the roof into the pool.

Basically, what I’m saying is that he’s wasted in St Louis. Last week the kid threw 375 and three scores to a receiving group no one can name. Sure, he lost a couple of fumbles early in the game but he’s just a young buck trying to make stuff happen. Cut him some slack.

ColKap and his tiny head scraped home with a victory against Kansas City but all the murmurs coming out of the Bay Area are whether or not head coach Jim Harbaugh is going back to college next year to study international diplomacy, I mean build an empire in Michigan.

Apparently the entire locker room hates him all of a sudden but that never John Gruden from winning a Superbowl.

Tip: 49ers

Happy punting and god bless ‘Murica!

For more idiocy follow me on Twitter: @brinpaulsen